( 2:44 PM ) K
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! It's my favoritest holiday! Right after Christmas. Even before my birthday! I look very hot today. It's weird because I can really see how much weight I lost. My chest looks rather pronounced, which is interesting. Don't have much to say today, but I should be able to write more on Saturday. Later all.
#
( 2:31 PM ) K
I'm feeling much better. I woke up, came down to use the bathroom and didn't realize until afterwards that I'd navigated the stairs without pain. My nose is still stuffed up, but the throat is better. I'm just writing a quick note to confirm that I am indeed alive and ambulatory. Right now I'm cheering myself up by busting Joe's chops, with regards to my upcoming champagne birthday. That's what it's called when you turn the age of your birthday. The champagne birthday. 21 on the 21st. I'm not really expecting much, especially in comparision to last year. *sigh* Life can be just so complicated.
#
( 5:27 PM ) K
Well, I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and an incredibly stuffy nose. My head was all congested and I could barely hear anything. I made it through two hours of my shift before I requested to be sent home. They were only too glad to agree. If the comments of my co-workers are to be believed, as apparently I looked quite ill. So I only briefly saw the Distraction before I staggered out the door for a daring drive home. Both my father and I called in sick today. He's sleeping now and I'm sitting here, after having eaten a fairly tasteless lunch of McDonalds. It was interesting because the food tasted so much different. Probably the way it used to taste before my nose was reopened. Only the tiny twix bar I had for dessert really tasted strong. I am still losing weight, although I think the rate of dispersal is dropping again. *shrugs*
My legs are just about back to normal. I can rise from a chair without too much dread and climbing the stairs is much less challenging than it was two days ago. I think I could have probably handled this cold much better if it hadn't been for my legs. It's funny...I always think of things to write about when I'm not sitting in this chair, but when I am here, I'm just filled with a sense of weariness. I suppose, to put it bluntly, it's because I have little fulfillment in my life. My job is physically satisfying but not intellectually stimulating, I don't feel like I have any real space of my own, I'm lonely with very few, if any, friends, and there are no prospects for a relationship anywhere in my future. Yes, I feel like I could handle a relationship now. But there's absolutely nobody here. God, I wish I was attracted to the Distraction. I like him and everything, we have common interests, but there's just no real spark between us. Heh. Ironically, it occurs to me that Kate would probably get a big charge out of him, new boyfriend aside. It's ironic because I don't think he would be too interested in her. I don't know why exactly because everybody's always attracted to Kate, but my gut vibe tells me that the Distraction would lose patience with her rather easily. It's also ironic because I think he and I have the same type of approach towards relationship, what we're looking for and all that, but neither one of us are really interested in testing those waters. And this is all my own suppositions as this is not a topic the Distraction and I have really discussed. Anyway, if there's one thing I've gotten out of my relationship with Joe, it's that I want the guy to put actual effort into pursuing me. I don't want our relationship to "just happen." Being the acceptable alternative once was quite enough for me. I deserve more than that.
I don't think I ever wrote an entry about it, but my big ephinany about why I came back here was this: I have to reconcile my past and my future. Y'know, like come to terms with who I was and what I want to be. Who I want to be. I was reading some of the stuff I wrote in high school and middle school and I was just blown away by how clear my voice was. It was like a stranger had written it. Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with my core, with who I really am. With everything changing so fast, I haven't really had the opportunity to just reflect on things. Or maybe I have, but I've been too blind to see it. I think I need to start going back to church again. I always feel better after going to church, like I'm connected to something bigger than myself. Maybe that is what has been missing. The sense of being part of something. That's what I had for a time with Sara and Kate, what I tried to find with Joe. All this time I've been focusing on myself, trying to make peace with my flaws, trying to understand why I do certain things. What I probably should be doing is reverting back to a time when my major concern was how I related to others. In other words, maybe it's time I stopped procrastinating and freaking grew up.
#
( 6:01 PM ) K
Pain, oh good God, the pain. Danielle's sweet 16 was last night from 8-12. I worked yesterday from 7:30am-4pm and today from 8am-4pm. I can barely walk because I strained the muscles in my legs last night making a fool of myself on the dance floor. Oh whelp. It's not like I'm going to see any of those people again. Aunt Dianne and Michelle are coming over tonight for pizza, and the grandparents are leaving tomorrow. I have a crazy schedule at work this week (an overnight and a merch night), but hopefully I'll get a chance to update this thing. With a decently sized entry. I dunno. I think I've been rather depressed lately. It was hard enough being single without really knowing what it was like to be with someone. Now...*sigh* I think I'm just lonely. I'll see the Distraction tomorrow night. Hopefully things will continue to progress there. We definitely have a shot at being friends and I'd hate to see it go bye-bye. Family's home. Later.
#
( 1:33 PM ) K
I blame Heather again for these....
What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Sexy Comic Book Woman Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a pheonix.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Less Obvious Savage Garden Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am so weak...
#
( 1:30 PM ) K
Which Moon Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
#
( 2:00 PM ) K
It was teacher apprecitation weekend, and my grandparents came in on Friday. They're staying a week, for my cousin's Sweet 16 party on the 25th. I don't have much time to talk today either, because I had another bad morning, physically speaking, and I've come to the conclusion that it's either my grandfather or the herring. Either one. So due to time constraints, I will use the bullet update method.
I got my first speeding ticket for going 13 miles over the limit in Eisenhower Park. It was a speed trap.
I figured out how to decopauge.
The Distraction has a girlfriend. I learned this because she called at work, asking for him. Her name's Lynn. Bah.
Kate has made a reappearance and now I have the proper contact info. Must now figure out when to call.
I am going to entirely lose my Wolf Lake fanbase if I don't finish the damn chapter.
A fascination with Harry Potter fanfic has begun, although I have no urge to actually write anything.
Still no response to my resume.
I have come to the conclusion that I am an affection junkie.
Deb hasn't gotten in touch with me in ages, leading me to wonder again why I continually make friends with people who don't care whether or not I'm in their lives.
That is all.
#
( 11:50 AM ) K
Blogger was acting screwy yesterday, so that entry is posted here. It's an old livejournal I've been keeping around. I was going to write a good entry today, 'cept I just spent like the last two hours submitting my resume to Random House's parent company and now I really don't want to sit here any more. I'll probably write more later. Adios.
#
( 7:02 PM ) K
Joey gave me back my tape today and taped me the pilot of "Birds of Prey" without me asking. I went "Oh, Joey," and then I looked around and thought, "Where did Kate come from?" The vacation did not go all that well. I feel much more refreshed, physically speaking, but I'm rather depressed. A combo of hormones, a bit of spending time that would equal most of a day cleaning my room. Sure, out of three, one day isn't that much, but for me, it's very wrong. Besides, I kept thinking about SU Joe and how if I told him I cleaned, he'd roll his eyes and be like, "Did you really or did you just make new piles?" I condensed and moved things around. Finally put the new computer desk together. Hey, in my book, if more carpet is showing than before, it counts as cleaning.
#
( 7:20 PM ) K
More creepiness... The results from Colorgenics' Mood of the Day quiz:
You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.
You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.
Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.
You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavors and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.
The critizing part is true. But I think I'm a tad bit more arrogant than they give me credit for. Either way, it's spooky. The spinning colorful blocks know me!
#
( 7:10 PM ) K
I am so fucking burned out. Eight straight days of work. Egad. I'm very surprised I'm still functional rihgt now. Almighty Lord. 'Course I stll havent packed yet, and we eave tomorrow at 6am. I am also leaving all the typos in because i'm too damn tired to go back and fix them. I'm off to the library now to return books, but i wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive .Barely. *sigh* Idon't wannna go!
"Don't Let Me Get Me"
Pink
Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
#
( 1:55 PM ) K
My brain is fried. I do not have the capicity to put words together in sentences. I don't think a long entry will be forthcoming until next week. *siiiigggghhh*
#
( 5:34 PM ) K
I had a bad day today. I think it's time I start seriously considering options for the future. Like a new job. *sigh* It's no wonder Joe's afraid to call me. My moods change like the wind. I swear, I hate my life. Have to finish the Wolf Lake chapt. Wanna do the present for Michelle for tomorrow. Need to do laundry. Hate. My. Life.
#
( 1:37 PM ) K
Blah, blah, blah. I think I just spend most of my time being bored these days. I need something new. A new challenge. Work just isn't going to cut it. I think it's time I seriously consider cutting my losses and opting for a change in scenery. I dunno. Mom says Joe can come see me next weekend if he wants, since I'll only be a few hours away, and the family won't mind, but I don't think I'm even going to suggest it. Why bother? It's not like he'd care enough to make the effort and he probably has diving stuff or something. He's not going to want to drive out that way, even if I meet him halfway. Dammit. Stupid IM conversation from yesterday. I'm still all out of sorts. Just once, just fuckin' once, I want to hear him say that he misses me or that he has no regrets or he's glad we happened or that he didn't settle. Because that's what the crux was yesterday. I said to him that he always made me feel like if Kate had been willing, he'd dropped me and gone to her. And he didn't deny it. He diverted, he hedged, but he didn't say, "No, you're wrong." I spent nine months with a man who settled for me. Who loved me, not because he chose to, but because it just effing happened. The kicker for me is that he knows that I was much better for him that Kate or Sara would've been. That by all rights and purposes, he should have been deliriously happy to be with someone who loved him as much as I did, who supported him through everything, and tried as hard as I did to make things work. He wasn't happy. Everytime I was a bitch, everytime I pushed him too hard, everytime I was incredibly naive and made an error of judgement, Joe looked at her and wished. He wished his life was different, that things had gone down a different path. Joe stayed with me because he loved me, but he was always wishing for something else. And deep down, I knew it. I knew it everytime he said he hated that year in his life, everytime he got so upset when Kate used him or ignored him, everytime he made excuses why he didn't want to introduce me to his friends, everytime he shied away from calling me his girlfriend or from admitting to others we were a couple, everytime he complained that all the "good" girls only liked bad boys, everytime he chose to talk to her over me...I knew. But the last thing I wanted was to believe that the only man who ever loved me back had settled for me because the girl he really wanted didn't want him. I believe it now.
I attributed our relationship failing to so many different things. The timing, my naivete, he was afraid, I pushed too hard, the distance, his refusal to bend, my passive-agressiveness, my graduating, his insecurities. But it really boils down to one thing. I'm not "certain people," whose absence causes him to spiral into depression. We failed because I'm not Kate. No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much he ended up loving me, it didn't matter because love couldn't change that fact. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
*sigh* I needed to get all that out. The problem I have is that nobody wants to talk about Joe with me. Debbie, my parents, they remain fixated on the way he broke up with me. Shitty, yes, but I contributed problems to this relationship too. The difficulties we faced were not all his fault. But nobody seems to understand why I don't hate him, why I still want him in my life, and why I still care about him. All they say is that he'll regret giving me up. Yes, well, what does it say about me that I'll stay with a guy who, I know on some level, is settling for me? Was I so desperate for love, so afraid of being alone, that I accepted being the consolation prize? Or am I being irrational now because I'm hurt he refuses to call, so I devise this elaborate explanation about him never wanting me to begin with? I should go back into therapy for this. There are times, like now, when everything blends together and I don't know what's true or false. *sigh*
I have to jump into the shower, got a 4-12am shift. I leave you with this quote from the April 24th entry in this thing.
"You know you're an 80s child when the crossword puzzle clue is 'CBer's need' and you automatically think of the Care Bears and go to write 'caring' as the response."
#
( 4:39 PM ) K
I am all not happy. I just back from work, a very busy day. I changed over all the displays for the front of the store. Go me. However, I did not sleep well last night. Two reasons for that. I was still a little anxiety-ridden over the dentist. The procedure was actually rather painless, but the sensations and smells were enough to send me hurtling back almost six years. Even my face, after he was done, felt swollen, but that was just due to the Novicaine. Hell, when the drug kicked in, I freaked, because I got that same lightheaded feeling that I get when they dope me up before a surgery. I think I'm still a little on edge because of yesterday. Reason Two why I didn't sleep well is because Joe is a hypocrite. I wrote more here, but I deleted it because I IMed him and now I have to leave. Plus frankly, I just don't care anymore. Viva la resistance!
#
( 5:28 PM ) K
*sigh* My bloodwork results came back. Thyroid is indeed an issue. Joe finally updated his journal and I feel all weird now. Plus I had my dentist appointment today. Had a nice little anxiety attack in the chair. For the entire 45 minutes that the appointment lasted. Going out with Debbie tonight, which will be good. Seeing a movie and then eating. Normal stuff. Very normal. Must tape "Friends." I called him. Joe, I mean. There are times when I just miss him so much. Like right now. I deal with a lot of fear, but right now I'm also a little afraid that I'm not really over him. That I just tell myself I am because otherwise it means I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me. *sigh* Maybe I'll never really stop loving him. All I know for sure is that I miss him. And my life sucks.
#
( 12:41 PM ) K
*sigh* I need a vacation. Or strenous physical activity involving a member of the opposite sex. *cough* I need stress relief, if you will. I'm just blah today. All blah. Stupid dreams.
#
( 12:14 PM ) K
More quizzes...Interesting results...hmm...
Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna
Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla
#
|
I speak.
|
|
|