( 10:32 AM ) K
As much as I would like to enjoy the last day of my "weekend," I have things to do today. So no gadding about for me. I am, however, incredibly sore, but I don't know why. My neck and muscles hurt. My kingdom for a backrub. *whimpers* I absolutely have to finish the chapter of the "Wolf Lake" fic I've been working on. My readers have been incredibly patient and the damn thing just needs a few filler scenes anyway. So must add that to the list. Daddy took off from work today, so I must dash off. There just three things I wanted to mention for no real reason. I got my diploma. The video of the graduation ceremony arrived. Have not and do not intend to watch it. I also have September 11th off and I don't know what I'm going to do that day. I have to watch that CNN dvd I bought before then because that will let me know if I can handle the newcasts. Finally, the current Lady of Soul, Ashanti, is coming to my Borders in November to do a signing. She has a book coming out. Later all.
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( 4:41 PM ) K
From Colorgenics Personality Test:
"You seem to be trying to sweep aside the situations (and maybe the people) that you feel are standing in your way. You are impulsive and apt to follow these impulses seeking to be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way you hope to deaden the intensity of your conflicts, but your impulsive behavior is leading you to take some unnecessary risks. Back down a little and remember 'more haste - less speed'.
You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted. You need to be recognized as a 'caring person' and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new, but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.
It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.
You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.
Whatever you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong and you are now quite convinced that there is little point of formulating new objectives and it is this belief that has resulted in the stress and anxiety. You would like to be able to communicate with other people who think as you do. At this time there seems to be no one on the horizon nor is there any prospect of meeting anyone in the immediate future. But it must be said that you are really a 'trier' and indications are that you will, as indeed you have in the past, 'bounce back'.
The fear that you may not be able to fulfill or realize all of your ambitions makes you work and play hard. The thought of being prevented from achieving the things you want leads you to play your part with frantic fervor."
Creeeepy....
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( 4:23 PM ) K
John and I are arguing again about the future of my love life. He's convinced that all I need to do is go out and have fun. I think it's a tad bit more complicated than that. Either way, like I've said, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I just wanted someone to hang out with. I miss having guy friends who are local. Anyway, I don't have much to say. Since my brother's home, I accomplished very little today. However, I do think it's worth noting that over the last seven days, I have finished 20+ books. I've started keeping a list. I'm very impressed with myself.
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( 6:03 PM ) K
I'm okay now. I'm...well, my pride was hurt more than anything. And my self-esteem took a beating as well. I really was making my peace with the fact that Joe and I weren't meant to be. I wasn't coping too well with alone and defenseless again, but I was getting used to it again. So I'm okay with him dating someone else. There are four or five candidates that I can think of for this mysterious person, and only one really makes me ill. And I rank her third on the list. This is the one time I really, really want to be right. The top candidate doesn't do much for me either, because I'm relatively sure it's a long distance thing, which is like another dig at my alreday puny ego, but it doesn't devastate me. If it's Candidate Number 3, there is going to be devastation. Big time.
After I posted yesterday, I went upstairs and I started writing him a letter. I wanted to say all the things that I've held back over the months, all the things I was afraid would hurt him. At this point, as long as I don't devastate him, I think I'm allowed to hurt him a bit. I got three pages into it before I just collapsed from exhaustion. I slept for four hours and then woke up, put my jammies on, and choked down four cookies. I literally had to force myself to eat cookies, which should tell you how messed up I was. The only reason I tried to eat was because, aside from a granola bar, I hadn't eaten all day. My head was pounding when I woke up. I resorted to taking an advil as well.
Anyway, I never finished the letter, but I did send him an email. I am going to be okay. I sorta forget for a while and then something reminds me, and then this jagged spike of pain goes ripping through me, but I have a high tolerance for pain. My class at NCC starts next week and who knows? Maybe God will have a surprise in store for me. There's no way in hell I'm ready for a relationship, but I wouldn't mind making some new friends, dating a bit. I think, though, I am going to be a) older than my classmates and b) way more mature. This is opposed to work where I am a) much younger than my co-workers and b) a rectangle peg trying to fit into a square hole. I get along with everyone, but there's still this indefinable thing keeping me separate. Well, if I keep losing all this weight, eventually I'll fit. I think that was a semi-pun. Let me put it to you this way how much weight I've lost. I've had to wear a belt with my jeans, but I was off work one day and I went to the library sans belt & bra. I reached up to grab a book off one of the top shelves and my pants nearly slid off. My butt is still comfortably padded. The rest of me, including my chest (sorry fellas), is slimming down. I'll never be thin, but who knows? Maybe I'll be passable someday. I'm also reconsidering my decision not to get my nose done. Remodel the whole package, y'know?
Yep, my self-esteem is in the toilet. But I will be ok. So long as God doesn't flush.
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( 4:50 PM ) K
Once again, I'm driven to tears in front of the computer. It's been less than two months since Joe and I officially broke up. He's seeing someone else. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, that I'm not trying to work through what I'm feeling for him. And he's alreday fucking seeing somebody else. I knew it. 45 days. That's what I said. That's the limit I set. We were together for nine months. He said he loved me. And he replaced me with someone else less than 60 days later. I so cannot deal with this. I thought I'd have more time to deal with this. All I need now is for it to be someone I know. Aside from Heather, who I vetted and approved of from the beginning. But it's not her, because he'd tell me and he's not talking. Oh God. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Hurt. Worthless. Discarded. Those are the predominant emotions right now. Fucking replaced so goddamn soon. I'm in a state of shock. His last words to me in this conversation were that he still loved me, but that it was different now. HOw could he love me? I'm been struggling for the last three months to keep things together. Every day I wake up and there's a tiny voice in the back of my mind that hopes God will kill me today. Living at home with my parents, bein g alone again, dealing with all this future stuff, I'm falling to pieces. And once upon a time, he knew me well enough to know all this stuff would overwhelm me. But not one phone call, not one letter, not one email. He cut me off cold turkey after saying he wanted us to stay friends. You don't abandon someone you love. You don't walk away, not saying goodbye, and then just expect them to adjust to being suddenly alone again. There's no way I can see him in October now. It'll just be too weird. Winter break he'll spend with her. He asked someone else out. He's dating someone else. The last time I saw him is going to be the alst time I ever see him.
I feel like Meg Ryan in "When Harry met Sally." He didn't want space. He didn't want time on his own. It wasn't the distance. He just didn't want to be with me. 55 days since we broke up. He's been seeing her before today, otherwise he wouldn't have told me if it was just one date. No, he thinks this has potential. I just can't deal with this now. I'm exhausted from working a 4-12 last night and then a 7-3 today. Debbie's taking the goddamn ASVAB test today. And he's starting a relationship with someone else. H never really missed me and he stopped having feelings for me long before we broke up. Before he emailed me to say it was over. Damn it damn it damn it. What the hell did I do to deserve this shitass life? It took twenty years before someone fell in love with me and he replaces me less than two months later. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone ever stay? Oh god
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( 6:33 PM ) K
tirrrreeed....
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( 1:34 PM ) K
I have to run to NCC and I'm going to the diner for lunch, but there are some things that I've realized. First of all, the Taliban shot itself in the foot by excluding women from its upper ranks. Why do I believe this? Well, we all know that my mom knew Liz, Tom Gardner's wife, and that Tom Gardner was a member of HazMat Team 1, of which all members died on 9-11. What I haven't mentioned is that Liz has started two scholarships in her husband's name. It's meant to be a sentimental legacy, but from the cold-hearted political side of things, it's also a great way to pass on the revenge. These students know they're getting the money to help accomplish their dreams because "those people" killed that man. A hero. A firefighter who was callously murdered and left behind a wife and two kids. Bastards.
See? It's subtle and unintentional, but it ensures that the feelings invoked by the terrorist attacks will live on. Pesonally, I always thought the Towers were a bad target, strategically thinking. The Towers aren't just an American symbol, because there were international corporations who had offices there, ensuring the attacks were going to piss a lot of people off, not just the Americans. Secondly, I believe that Bin Laden or whomever was trying to make a statement, trying to make a dent in our spirit. All they succeeded in doing was, as one editorialist put it, "woke up the sleeping giant." Because so many people worked together to evacuate, because of the rescue workers, so many more people survived than expected. Death tolls were originally in the five thousands. While two thousand deaths are still too many, if those people hadn't cooperated, it could have been so much worse. The terrorists underestimated us, which is a stupid thing to do. You should always expect more from your enemy than he expects from himself.
We Americans are spoiled because we pretty much control the entire continent. Anyone who wants to attacks us has to cross a body of water to do so. Even after 9-11, we feel a measure of security, because it was such a grand scale attack. Those of us who live quietly in our little homes, who don't work in skyscrapers, we feel safe, because blowing up a suburban business doesn't qualify as a grand scale attack. But it definitely would make a statement. If the terrorists really wanted to prove to America how vulnerable we are, what it really feels like to be in the midst of constant war, they should ignore the grand statements and blow up a grocery store instead. The sense of brotherhood that sprung up after 9-11 has unfortunately begun to fade and, while I would hope differently, I'm relatively sure that if more police state-like measures were put into affect, this country would begin to splinter. As Americans, we value our freedom and our individuality. A police state, by its very nature, is designed to curtail those qualities as much as possible. All in the name of safety.
Personally, if it were me, I'd know exactly what I'd go after and they're all civilian locations. I'm hesitant to go into more detail, because I'm paranoid and the last thing in the world I'd want is for some random person to stumble across this entry and take my words to heart. But, anyway, back to the original point in hand. Women are just more ruthless than men. Men will go slaughter people and suffer a public relations backlash after it's learned that an entire village was taken out because of "orders." Women would just put poison in the water supply. Either way, everyone in that village will end up dead. It's ironic, but after all those years of male domination, women learned how to be cunning, subtle and sneaky. We are what the men forced us to be.
It's tangents like these that make me resist being labelled "nice." Nice people don't come up with cost effective ways to kill large groups of people. Oy. Sometimes I'm too scary for myself.
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( 11:49 AM ) K
This is an excerpt from a essay in the book, "Before and After: Stories from New York," edited by Thomas Beller. Another finished book in my 9-11 fascination. The essay itself is called, "The View from Long Island," and is written by Adam Baer. The excerpt I'm quoting pretty much sums up my feelings on 9-11, even though I was in Syracuse at the time.
"Like many people, I saw Tower Two leveled live from the safety of my suburb. And since, I've had a sharp pain in my left shoulder, right at its meeting-point with my neck, been short of breath, and mildly nauseated. Why? Not entirely because of the tragedy. Because I can't feel what I should about it, because I'm not there, because I can't really help.
"See, I can't give blood (health reasons). I write about the arts and technology (not news). And I live on Long Island, to boot, a strip of land safely cut off from the city.
"Am I still a New Yorker? Part of what's happened? Or a spoiled bystander?
"I'm told not to donate food or clothes. The Red Cross doesn't need it.
"So what's a guilty Long Islander to do besides donate cash?
"My answer? Watch. Listen to the same information reported over and over again. Meet those who recount their escape. Force my self to experience the pain of my neighbors until my eyes give out on me.
"It's a small price to pay for safety."
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( 11:41 AM ) K
Since it seems that I will be working days from now on, I got up this morning at 7:30, even though it's my day off. But I did go to bed at midnight last night, so everything works out. I am quite confused on several different things. The one thing I am sure of is that I am not happy. And I know I'm not happy because Joe and I broke up. I do not like the fact that my happiness is dependent on another person. Unfortunately, it seems likely that, in order for me to get what I need to be happy, another person must be present. I am well aware of my weaknesses, so how can I feel a sense of security and safety when I know all I have to rely on is myself? You see my dilemma. To be happy, I need to feel safe, and to feel safe, I need someone I can depend on. So I'm all confused on how I'm going to resolve this issue, because I don't want to be de-evolve into what I was in high school and I don't want to spend the time until Joe actually does get a new girlfriend obsessing over what happened between us (because once it happens, I'll have worked myself into such a state, that the mere news will devastate me). The reasons our relationship didn't work come down to a few simple points:
1) The fact that I was graduating led him to believe from the beginning that we would never last, leading him to exclude me from as much as his life as possible, thereby protecting himself and inadvertantly hurting me.
2) My inexperience and immediate inappropriate expectations led me to expect more from him that he could logically give. I also was unable to retain perspective on the larger picture, since I was so focused on the "us," I didn't realize that neither of us really had the "me" part figured out yet.
3) Again with me graduating, my surgery, and the succession of tragedies in his life, the timing was not at all appropriate for the type of relationship we both wanted to maintain.
4) He had trouble verbalizing exactly what he wanted and would occasionally resort to immature, manipulative tactics to get his way.I was obsessive and insecure, leading me to doubt and question his behavior, and I was so focused on what I wanted, I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me.
So, as you can see, there really is no one person to blame for this happening. I understand all this logically, but I am still unbearably lonely and I miss him. I thought I had moved on, but, and maybe it's the hormones talking, I just keep thinking about those nine months. What does it all mean and what do I plan to do about it? The ideal solution (for me) would be for me to talk about it with him. Like I've always wanted to know when he realized he loved me for the first time. I know the exact moment I knew I fell for him, and I can still remember feeling frightened and dismayed. I want to know if he really believes that if 9-11 hadn't happened, if he thinks he would have noticed me. I want to know what made him decide to ask me out after that week of pondering the question I posed to him: "Why Sara and not me?" Basically, I want reassurance. I want to be reassured that, even though I instigated our relationship, even though "us" no longer works, some guy, somewhere, will eventually find me attractive. I want some kernel of hope to cling to because all I see right now is the fact that if I hadn't said anything, if 9-11 hadn't happened, Joe and I likely would have never gotten together. I see that he broke up with me numerous times during our nine months and we kept getting back together because of me. Although, now that I really think about it, I think the first time we got back together was because of him, the rest were because of me. I'd have to check the hard-copy journal to be sure. Anyway, the point is that I want to know that Joe woulda been attracted to me anyway and that he wasn't miserable with me.
How I'm ever going to find out the answers to any of those questions is another puzzle for me to solve... *sigh* So confused... Anyway, I leave you with this link to an entry in Heather's journal. She wrote a song that pretty much describes how I feel right now. I think everybody can relate in part to this song. Go read it and tell her how talented she is.
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( 6:19 PM ) K
funny quotes I found on the 'net:
"It's God's responsibility to forgive Bin Laden. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting."
--United States Marine Corps
"If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished."
--Anon.
I would put more, but Mom's home and I'm being banished.
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( 6:14 PM ) K
K is not a happy camper. K's feet hurt and her three month evaluation was today and basically she was told that she is too bossy. K already knew this, but it's that time of the month and K is overly emotional. K also says this is the explanation for why she is feeling lonely and missing J. K wanted to call J after her evaluation, but she knew that a) he wasn't likely to be home or call her back and b) J wouldn't be very sympathetic since bossiness is a well-known K trait. And he would tell her to deal with it. K would prefer to wallow in self-pity some more since she knows damn well she's overbearing, but she'd like someone to tell her she's still lovable. K does not think she'd believe J if he did tell her she's still lovable, even though he'd really mean it, because if she was so lovable, he wouldn't have been planning how he would deal with her leaving from day one. So even though she'd know he meant it, she wouldn't really believe it. K also thinks that the reoccurance of the J syndrome is because her grandparents were visiting. They're gone now. K is alone in the house now and is morphing back into Kristin.
K is neurotic, anal, constantly moving, bossy, and can charm someone into buying something they didn't originally want. Kristin is moody, depressed, a major procrastinator, and has to make dinner for her puppy dog. Both K and Kristin hate being alone, feeling lonely and desperately wish they could move to Florida so they'd have their own space. Kristin is off to feed Molly and leaves you with this quote from American Sweethearts: "I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. I am my own entourage."
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( 5:59 PM ) K
Okay, so I'm doing alright. Been thinking a lot about the whole Joe sitch and I'm pretty sure, over time, I'll be able to look back over this last year fondly. Right now, it's still kinda sore. Which brings me to the main reason I'm pondering. We're going upstate. In October. For three or four days. And I'll only be three hours away from Syracuse. I could visit for the day. ... I dunno. Do I ask him if he wants to see me? Do I do it now, wait until it's closer to October? I do want to see him again and I think Syracuse would kinda be neutral ground. There wouldn't be the hassle of dealing with either of our families or transportation or stuff. 'Cause, frankly, I would rather brave the Interstate than go to Queens. If it's awkward and weird at Syracuse, at least it'll be in a semi-new place. There are memories in the Queens place. And I don't think it'd be the bestest idea for him to drive out here, because we'd have to time it so he wouldn't run into my family and I think it would be very awkward and weird for him to be here. Because there are more memories for him here than there would be for me at the new apartment. So Syracuse. But what if he doesn't want me there? What if I ask and he stalls me? What if I do go and it turns bad? What if we decide I'll come up and, between now and then, he gets a girlfriend, 'cause really, he doesn't stay single that long. I wouldn't want to make someone else feel the way I felt with Audra or Maria. Hell, I know right now, I don't want to be confronted with the image of him and somebody else. Damn. I wish I knew what to do. I'm so afraid I'm going to put myself on the line and he's going to tell me it'll be too hard or that maybe we'll get together over winter break. I should just accept the fact that he doesn't want me in his life any longer. It's ironic. I promised him we'd stay friends, but he never promised me anything.
My grandparents are still here. Not only am I homesick for Syracuse, I want to go to Florida so bad, I can taste it. I think a change of scenery and my own place is exactly what I need right now. Unfortunately, my job's too good to pass up, so I'm stuck here. It wouldn't be so bad if Joe and I were still together because at least then I could leave here and visit him once a month. All my escape routes are effectively cut off and I'm going insane. God, I am such a failure.
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( 1:24 PM ) K
I hate it when he calls me "hon." A generic endearment he uses for the various females in his life. I'm so confused. I don't necessarily want to be his girlfriend or whatever I was again, but I don't want to be part of the pack either. I think, really, I don't have a fucking clue what I want.
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( 1:14 PM ) K
So I'm sick. My grandparents brought a bug with them, I assume, since my grandfather is under the weather as well. My head hurts and I had a restless night. I was going to call in sick to work. Then I called Joe as I'd planned, wanting to check to see if he'd received the package and just to generally see how he was doing today. A female answered. One who was not his sister or his mother. One who was allowed to remain in his room alone and answer his phone, something I never did. My grandparents are here too and I missed him, 'cause Grandma was bitching about how Grandpa always hogs the mattress and how he's impossible to sleep with. Joe and I both agreed once that my grandparents reminded us a lot of ourselves. I'm shaken because it's the last thing I expected to happen. Him moving on, okay, I can deal with that. If I can reconcile myself to him being happier without me, I can deal with him dating someone else. Interacting with the new person, that, I'm not ready for. So I'm going to work today. I'm likely going to call him first, because I still want to talk to him and now I also want to know who that girl was. I want him to tell me it's Susan. Because if it's Susan, I will be no less shaken, but I can make my peace with the call. However, if he says she's "just a friend," I'm leaving for work asap because that's the way he talked about me. God almighty. I just want one thing in my life to be simple.
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( 6:10 PM ) K
Thomas Gardner
Squad 288
From NY Jets News:
"The firehouse that Rescue Squad 288 and Haz-Mat Company 1 call home sits on the crest of a hill in Maspeth, Queens. All the windows of this two-story building offer expansive views of the Manhattan skyline. On the morning of September 11th, two firefighters looked out those windows and saw the explosions at the World Trade Towers. A few minutes later the first call came in for them to respond to the Trade Center site. Like many other firehouses throughout the city they were in the middle of a shift change, but every man there got on a truck. Nobody returned. No firehouse in the city lost more people than Squad 288 and Haz-Mat 1 -- 19 of 55 men."
An article from the Dec. 23, 2001 NY Times:
Mets Adopt a Firehouse
By DAVE ANDERSON
OUTSIDE the redbrick firehouse of Squad 288 and Hazmat 1 in Maspeth, Queens, you can look across the Long Island Expressway to the Manhattan skyline. And as firefighters assembled there for roll call that warm September morning, Kevin Smith saw a burst of flame high in the north tower of the World Trade Center.
"Kevin saw the first plane hit," the firefighter Tim Murphy said.
No one saw the other hijacked jetliner hit the south tower because by then, they were on their way through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel.
"Eight minutes," Murphy said. "We were there in eight minutes."
But 19 of those men never returned to that firehouse — eight from Hazmat 1, six from Squad 288, three who were in a Brooklyn medical office, one who happened to be there during a tour change, another who was in Rescue 1. Eight of the bodies have yet to be recovered.
"We took the biggest hit of any firehouse in the city," Murphy said. "You'd think one in Manhattan would've, but it was us."
His right hand bandaged, Tim Murphy was sitting on a couch in the firehouse kitchen that is known now as their "war room." In an explosion during the Astoria hardware-store fire that killed three firefighters last June, he was blown 30 feet, but survived. And on Friday, as for more than three months, Murphy was trying to help the families suddenly without fathers.
"Those 19 guys," he said, "left their widows and a total of 49 kids, from babies to grown adults."
• • •
While the ruins smouldered in Lower Manhattan, the Maspeth neighbors hurried to the firehouse with food, water, clothing. But that wasn't enough for Mary Fasone, a mother of two who lives four blocks away. Her children had grown up waving to the firefighters whenever they went by the firehouse. On Oct. 22 she sent an e-mail message to the Mets at nearby Shea Stadium:
"You guys are from Queens, and I'm going to ask you to step up to the plate," it read in part. "We have lost 19 firefighters from our house. Can you imagine, 19 from one firehouse. I am rip-roaring mad that no one has honored them with a special story. We have attended four candlelight vigils. We have made banners for the bridge over the Expressway. It's not enough.
"The news has us reported as living in Staten Island and Manhattan. We live in Queens. I know you have visited Manhattan firehouses and I commend you for that, but we play in Queens — please come honor our own. All I'm asking for is recognition for a firehouse I'm so proud to call my own. It's not about me, it's about them. Please step up to the plate. A loyal fan."
When the message was put on the desk of Jay Horwitz, the Mets' vice president for media relations, he phoned Fasone.
"Mary is our guardian angel," Lt. Vinny Ungaro was saying now. "She's the one who got the Mets to adopt our firehouse."
All around Ungaro were stacks of Mets T-shirts and Mets caps, some with a white "F" and "D" on each side of the orange "NY" logo above "Squad 288." Some children and widows attended the charity bowling tournament at Chelsea Piers sponsored by Robin Ventura (before his trade to the Yankees), some went to the Planet Hollywood dinner sponsored by Al Leiter after a showing of the movie "Joe Somebody."
Virtually all the children and many of the firefighters were at the Christmas party last Sunday at Bobby Valentine's restaurant in the Ramada Inn near Shea Stadium.
"You should've seen Bobby V wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and stuffing them into backpacks — portable CD's, baseballs, games," Murphy said. "We were there for four hours, from 1 to 5. I think he paid for most of it himself. He had a magician. He had a face-painter for the kids who was painting one kid's face into a tiger's face and we joked, `Can you paint one of them into Juan Gonzalez?' "
Most of the firefighters are Met fans; a few are Yankee fans.
"The ones who weren't Met fans," Murphy said, "they might not have left as Met fans but they all left loving Bobby V."
At the party, John Walters, a firefighter, informed the Mets' manager of the trade that Sunday for left-hander Shawn Estes.
"I told him, `I guess you know about that already,' " Walters recalled. "He laughed and said, `I better know about it.' "
"He was on his cellphone," Murphy said, "when I thought I heard him say, `Steve,' like in Steve Phillips, `Steve, I don't want to hear about any more trades, I'm trying to run a Christmas party.' He talked with the kids. He even gave the wives little Swiss Army watches with an alarm."
"My wife Dianne," Ungaro said, "was amazed at Bobby V's regular-guy manner."
And in 2002, the Mets will continue to remember their adopted firehouse.
"We'll keep doing things with them; we'll bring the kids to games," Horwitz promised. "We won't forget."
And all the families of Squad 288, Hazmat 1 won't forget how Bobby V earned the ultimate compliment.
"We know that he's become a great manager," Tim Murphy said, "and he would've been a great fireman."
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( 6:03 PM ) K
I got a free promo copy of the "A Walk to Remember" soundtrack and, for the last thirty minutes, have just been listening to two songs on it. Over and over. Those, of course, are the lyrics to them in the previous entry. However, Blogger is acting screwy again and I dunno when y'all will read any of this.
How did the drs app't go today you ask? Not good. Bad, in fact. Not very bad, because while we are looking at hole confirmation, there may not be anything to do about it. See, most people have bone stretching from behind your teeth to the end of the roof of your mouth (your palate). Me, being the freak I am, was born with no bone, just one big-ass gaping hole. Now when I was little, they took the tissue together and sewed it together so that my mouth has a roof. Then at 10, I had the bone graft (bone from the hip to the palate) so now I have bone around my teeth. However, there is like a little alcove in my mouth where the tissue was folded together. And that's all just tissue. What the dr thinks happened is that a fold developed, creating a tiny crevice leading upward. Now that my nose is open again, everything that used to go down is coming up instead. I have to go see the head honcho in October to receive absolute confirmation and to see if there's anything we can do. Like I told my mom, it's going to require me going into the hospital, but it should only be a day job. In addition to all this, my current insurance will cover the drs, but not the usual hospital. The insurance I'll be on for work will cover the hospital, but not the drs. The answer seems simple, right? Don't join the other insurance plan until after the operation and use a different hospital. However, given the fact I'm no longer a student, the insurance will run out in January. So if I am to use the doctors I want, I will need to have the arrangements for the surgery made as quickly as possible after the Oct. app't and work out some kind of a delay with borders. To top it all off, I got home to find a cryptic note from Scott about my regular doctor. So I call them up to find out what's goin' on. The results of my bloodwork are in. While I am not as close to a heart attack as I would like and I guess my liver is alright now, it looks like I may be following in the footsteps of my brother and father, as I have developed the beginning of a thyroid problem. They are going to retest me to be sure.
The oral surgeon was fascinated by Dr. Harris's solution to my breathing problems (the last surgery). "Ingenious," she said. Then she pulled her gloves on to examine my palate, but before she started she said, "I want to touch it," and then examined that, saying how it had the same shape and everything. "Wow," she goes.
I have also, in recent times, developed a bit of an obsession with 9-11. I theorize I'm sublimating my grief over the break-up for that over 9-11. I don't feel so selfish then. Or worthless. Or abandoned. Usually. Anyway, I borrowed the book Brotherhood by Frank McCourt from the library. It was all pictures of the firefighting world, no real words. There's this one picture that I'm seriously considering getting photocopied for my own personal collection. It's this chalkboard, with the duty roster for Squad 288 and Haz-Mat Team 01 for 9-11. The reason it caught my attention was because Liz's husband, Thomas Gardner, was on the Haz-Mat team and his name is on the roster. "Gardner" and "K. Smith" were assigned as the entry team. So that was a bit shocking for me. Then a few pages later, there's a photo of the missing poster for Kevin Smith from Haz-Mat Team 01. That would be the Smith paired up with Tom. So I went back and I checked the rest of the names. There were 19 names on the duty roster. One made it back alive. Seven were never found. The majority of that seven are from the Haz-Mat Team. The deaths were the biggest loss in the department city-wide, according to Newsday. According to a brief article on the Battalion Chief, John Fanning, the guys were some of the first responders to the scene. There's evidence now that at least two firefighters, not from this unit, made it all the way up to the 78th floor.
I am supposed to be painting my grandmother's birthday present right now before my mom and brother getting home. I am instead reading various articles from firehouse.com and other websites.
I am not doing well.
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( 4:49 PM ) K
Mandy Moore - Cry
I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended to soon
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
And I was changed
In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
It was late September
And I'd seen you before
You were always the cold one
But I was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed
In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right
I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon
In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside
It was then that I realized That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman - Someday We'll Know
Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years and later
You're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?
Ohhh.....
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the ninety-seventh time tonight
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
Watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God one question (one question...question)
Why aren't you here with me tonight?
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
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( 4:59 PM ) K
My feet hurt. So very, very much. My brain was so fried by the end of work today. I was on the phone with a manager and I was telling him that I needed my register drawer open and then I started to tell him that Michelle needed him too, but I forgot her name. It took me like ten seconds to remember who the heck she was. Bleah. On the plus side, Medical & Nursing reference sections are now quite lovely looking. I was so very pleased with myself. I need to go eat now 'cause I haven't eaten since I had some carrots @11, and I didn't eat prior to that. So basically all I had were carrots today. See, if I had just wrote that, I could saved y'all another twenty seconds. Mind is totally fried. Tomorrow is the do-or-die day. 10:30 is the app't. I am a bit apprehensive. However, I believe that Debbie's father answered the phone when I called the house today, which means 1)he's alive and 2) he's not in the hospital anymore. It's very nice to know that I didn't kill off another one of my friends' fathers. Food now. Later.
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( 5:40 PM ) K
There are times when I look around at my life and wonder why God has kept me alive. This is one of those times.
#
( 10:20 PM ) K
No Stats today. Nothing interesting to report. Only finished one book and I just muttered uncomplimentary things about the customers underneath my breath today. Such a long shift it was. I'm closing tomorrow night, but my next three shifts will all be morning ones. Bleah. However, we did get in one of the books I needed so now I have all six of the Stephanie Laurens series. Plus one of her anthology books. It seems I'm reverting to my old obsession with strong, protective men. Now that Joe's no longer in my life, I feel vulnerable again and I don't like the feeling. Especially since I'm working with mostly females in an environment where I have contact with lots of older, strange men. Not good.
It's been a month since I've been fulltime now. Slowly adjusting to the 40 hours a week deal. Never did that before. I'm also registering for a class at Nassau on Monday. It's Visual Merchandising and I figure it'll look good on the resume. Made the app't for the oral surgeon for the 15th and then I guess we'll know one way or another. It's a bit ironic as my current insurance no longer covers my usual hospital, but my new insurance through the store won't cover the usual doctors. Mom thinks it may be something that can be corrected in the office, but I don't find that too reassuring, especially since the last office procedure I had done was after the jaw surgery and they needed to remove the wires from my skull. And since my gums are so sensitive, I didn't let them give me a novacaine shot after the first time because the shot itself was excruicating. This is also the main reason why I've avoided the dentist for the last three years. I scareded.
Tomorrow will be eleven months since 9-11 and I find it so hard to believe it's been that long. A lot of new books have been coming into the store and the one book about the passengers on the PA Flight is now a bestseller. I borrowed the Women at Ground Zero book and today I borrowed A Nation Challenged, the book published by the New York Times. The day still doesn't seem real to me. All my memories of the bombing are these vivid recollections of scattered events. Waking up to my mom's message. Racing down to check on Brian and then remembering Joe. Standing in Joe's room watching the Towers fall. Frantically trying to find my cell phone. Tears streaming down my face as Sara tells me that I know my father is safe and I reply, "But he's still there." Watching CNN when the cable comes back on and realizing there's no way off the Island, that my family is effectively trapped. Joe's face when he tells me that she's dead. Going to mass with him. Leaving him at the doorway to Haven after mass and heading to Hendricks with Kate, Sara and Scott. Breaking down on the steps of Hendricks when I think the others are inside because the vigil was almost too much to bear. Sitting for hours with Joe, just the two of us alone in the dark, talking to him about his losses. Alone in my room, afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares.
It all doesn't seem real. I think, maybe, in October or something, I'm gonna go to where the Towers used to stand. I never actually saw the Towers before 9-11, but I think I might need to see for myself where the gates of hell opened onto the Earth. Joe's friend died in the hospital, but they still haven't found anything for Liz's husband and by now, I don't think they will. He was a firefighter. I keep remembering that picture of the firefighters going up when everyone else was going down. That depth of bravery stuns me and I can barely grasp how they did what they did. I just don't have the words.
There was a Borders store in a building adjacent to the Towers, 5 World Trade Center, I think. All of the employees got out, but it's still a bit eerie to all of us. See, apparently, when the second tower fell, a bunch of people became trapped right in front of the glass windows to the storefront. A cop shot out the windows and a firefighter directed everyone to the second floor where they escaped through another exit. I read this in the "Women" book (that firefighter was a woman) and she said that the store was almost perfectly preserved. There was even a live tree in the middle that was undamaged. By the store remaining intact, it saved the lives of those people. I was talking to one of my co-workers about this and she apparently worked for our store around that time. She said things were messed up for a while for the company because the majority of the records for the NY stores (possibly the entire US, I can't remember exactly) were kept in that building. I also found out that there are rumors of them opening another downtown Borders.
It's weird for me. I can't think of any other word to describe it. The number and address for the WTC store is still on all the Call lists. More and more merchandising is coming into the store. I pass our little 9-11 section almost everytime I go upstairs. I see it all and I think of Joe and it just boggles my mind how much my world, my life has changed in the last eleven months. We've yet to really see the long-term repercussions from the bombing and I'm wondering, if this one event has already changed so much, what can the future possibly hold?
#
( 4:58 PM ) K
Stats
Books I've Finished Today: 4 - A Rogue's Proposal, A Secret Love by Stephanie Laurens, Caught in the Act by Lori Foster and Secrets of a Perfect Night by Stephanie Laurens, et. al.
Books I'm Reading: Simple Riches by Mary Campisi
Worthwhile things I've accomplished today: 1
I know I said I'd write a real entry today, but as you can see, I pretty much fucked around today. The worthwhile thing I accomplished was finishing and re-editing a story I promised to Joe. I'm mailing that package that's been sitting around for practically two months now. There's just no reason to hang on to it any longer. I typed it up, but this printer isn't working, so he's going to get the original and I'll post it in the Fic Journal in a couple of days or so. Mom's being cranky now and I have to go change my shirt. We're going out to dinner before the show. Deb? How are things going?
Proud to Be An American
Lee Greenwood
If tomorrow all the things were gone
I'd worked for all my life,
And I had to start again
with just my children and my wife,
I'd thank my lucky stars
to be living here today,
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom
and they can't take that away.
I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota
to the hills of Tennessee,
Across the plains of Texas
from sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston
and New York to L.A.,
There's pride in every American heart
and it's time we stand and say:
I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.
#
( 7:53 PM ) K
I was gonna do a real entry, but my feet hurt. So no detailed analyses today. Tomorrow I'm off work, 'cause we're gonna go see Bill Cosby tomorrow night. I'll write then. Also, everybody pray for Deb's father. Apparently, he's going in for a quadruple by-pass today. Deb, call me when you can.
Stats
Books I've Finished Today: 0
Books I Finished Since 8-6: Women at Ground Zero, Delighted, Scandal's Bride & The Promise in a Kiss, both by Stephanie Laurens
Books I'm Reading: A Rogue's Proposal by Stephanie Laurens, Simple Riches by Mary Campisi,
Books I Bought Today: 3
Books I borrowed: 0
Books on hold: 0
Books that were on hold that I bought last night: 3 + 1 I found while cleaning
Ephinanies I've had since the 6th: 0 (too tired)
Number of cds ONE customer bought today: 18
Number of times I ran out of singles: 2
Number of skanky old men who flirted with me today: 1
Number of old guy friends from high school i ran into today: 1
Number of times I wanted to call a customer a dumbass: 4 at least
#
( 9:40 PM ) K
Stats
Books I've Finished Today: 0
Books I'm Reading: Simple Riches by Mary Campisi, Women at Ground Zero, and Delighted
Books I've Bought today: 1
Books I borrowed: 2
Books waiting to come home with me: 3
Ephinanies I've had since the 1st: 2.5
Number of times I wanted to do serious damage to Rick the manager: 5 at least
Too tired to write much tonight. Thought I'd be in the mood, but I'm not. I'll be on tomorrow, as I have a 4-12pm shift. Talking to John now. There was one thing that I wanted to talk about...oh yeah. Went to the drs yesterday. I'm not allergic to dairy. While there's no official confirmation yet, it's becoming more and more clear that there's a hole, which will mean some sort of procedure to repair it. Needless to say, this news does not make me happy and, indeed, I feel rather fragile. On the does-not-damage-my-sanity side, I got stuff for my feet, so I may be all pretty down there within a couple of months. Woo hoo. I'm going to bed now.
#
( 2:31 PM ) K
My job is the bestest. I won the raffle last night and I got a free fifteen dollar gift certificate. After I spent $39.38, of course, but still it was nifty cool. Plus I spent about 40 minutes talking to one of the cashiers, Michelle. She's 29, married, and her husband's a firefighter. So we like to share guy gripes. Michelle is the only person I can talk to about Joe in an objective way. Which is nice for me. Sometimes I think I should start therapy again just so I'd have someone to talk to. *sigh* Anyways, I'm feeling better today. Got some good sleep, my clothes are still too loose and I'm off to grab lunch. Later all.
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