( 1:16 PM ) K
I had a bad night.
#
( 12:39 PM ) K
I'm getting that antsy feeling. This feeling generally means I'm anticipating something to happen. I've been thinking a lot about Joe lately, and I'm on earlier than normal which bugs me. Because I want to talk to him. About what, I don't really know. I just wanna know what's going on in his life. Bleah. I dunno. I'll probably just email him or something. I want to talk talk to him, but somehow I don't think he'll go for that. He has these preconceived notions when it comes to being friends with his exes. He should know by now that I don't fit any moulds.
Cross stitching is still going good. It's funny, 'cause I was doing some the other day on my hour and the human resource manager, Stacey, was walking into the office. Then she stops, comes back and says to me, "You're always doing something. Everytime I see you, you're always physically doing something. Can't you just sit and relax?" All I could say was the lame-ass comeback of "I have an active mind." It occurred to me that this was why I had so much trouble in college. It was different for the others because they all had some classes with practical applications. I had diddlyshit. Just sat on my ass, taking notes, that I threw out as soon as the semester was over. Bored out of my skull. I probably would have done better if I could have sewn during lecture class. With my hands busy, my mind prolly woulda been more focused. If I had realized this about myself two years ago, I probably could have arranged things so that I'd have more active classes. Oh well. Too late now. Btw, I am graduated now. Took care of the outstanding credits. So I'm allll done now. I am, however, thinking of taking a class or two at NCC. It's one of the few schools in NY with a retail management program. I don't think I'll get the AS degree, but it wouldn't hurt to take a few classes.
I've also decided, that while I'd like to get out of here ASAP, I've given myself until June of next year to get to Michigan. Because 1) I don't want to move during the winter and 2) I'll have sufficient enough time to be experienced and possibly be a supervisor as well.
I'm in a quicksilver mood today. The 'rents invested in an air conditioner for the living room, so it's cool in here, but it's the warm, soothing heat outside. The kind that makes you want to sprawl out on a lawn chair and sleep in the sunlight, as the sweat beads on your forehead. So I can't really concentrate. Or more precisely, I don't want to think today. I just want to do. heh. Later all.
#
( 5:44 PM ) K
My language skills are severly imparied as I worked Merch night last night from 4-12 and then had a 8-4pm shift today. Expect mispellings and weired sentence strutcutre. I cannot write decently on only 3 hours of sleep. I do have tomorrow off which is good and I'd like to do something with Deb, but we'll see.
No lengthy entry today, just some quick bullet points.
Started taking vitamins.
Still losing weight. If this keeps up, in another two weeks, I'll be down yet another pant size.
My hair apparently looks really good with the blondeness as one of my co-workers who quit preblonde came by last night to help out with Merch Night and thought the blonde looked "really good."
My main project now is cross-stitching. It's quite relaxing and I can do it while I watch the myraid of videos I've been renting from the library.
I had to shelve the sex section today.
I realized you can always tell when I've shelved a section that today, because I always end up imposing some kind of organization on at least one part of it.
The erotica section is nice and pretty now.
I had to deal with a really mean customer this morning who almost made me cry.
I really missed Joe today.
The first fifty customers who buy the "Lord of the Rings" movie on August 6th in a Borders store get a free five dollar gift certificate.
I want a puppy.
What I really want is a baby.
I will get neither because I can't afford either. It would also be very impractical as well, but my biological clock is ticking.
I am very weird.
I miss having someone to take care of.
My feet hurt.
...sigh...
#
( 2:09 PM ) K
One last thing I forgot to mention. I may not have a hole in my palate after all. It's possible I've just developed a severe allergy to dairy products. From the frying pan...
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( 2:04 PM ) K
I swear to God, I really believe that my life is a tv show for some omipotent beings. Today started off good. Got some sleep for once, came downstairs, got online. Mom called, I picked up the phone. Turns out nobody's going to be home until late tonight. Woo hoo. I'm feeling good, yeah. Then I head through my list of favorites (IE alphabetizes them), checking out all my daily comics and all the journals. So after Nelys's journal, I come to Joe's. He's going through more drama, to borrow Heather's word, and the Senior staff has forced him to take a weekend off. Plus he gets to have an overnight guest. Cue the laugh track.
I have mixed feelings on the issue. On the one hand, I do want to see him again, but I don't think I want to stay overnight. That would just be too weird. This is all academic as he's already asked someone, which brings me to my second feeling. I don't know who it is. I very much want it to be Chris, but I am also aware the majority of his friends are girls. So there's jealousy over that and there's those quicksilver little flecks of pain I always get when faced with the reality that I now know nothing of what's going on in his life. But that's it. I didn't start crying, there were no depressed sighs, just, "Oh, Joe got the chance to invite someone up and it wasn't me. Ow." Then I started pondering the irony of it all. So there's still pain and the MJ syndrome, but it's started to fade into the background. Like I'm so used to it now, that I don't notice it much anymore. I think this is what is called "moving on."
Yesterday was a good day. The eight hours zipped right by. Plus I got to do my first Merchandising related project. I put out the new books on the "New" tables. I really only made one mistake and it wasn't my fault, 'cause I didn't know. Mary (the merchandising supervisor) said it was a big help, because she could unpack all her boxes that have been piling up. It wasn't very efficient, though, because I had to keep shuttling between the tables, Info and the register. I'm becoming quite the force to be reckoned with. Avinash, this guy I've been helping along, has dubbed me the "Human Computer," which causes me to whack him quite firmly every time he calls me that in front of a customer. "Oh, this is Kay, our human computer. She knows where everything is." "Oh, if Kay says, we're out, we're probably out. She's the human computer." It's better than the Movie theater nickname, but it's still aggravating. Everybody always just wants me for my mind. If I keep losing weight, maybe somebody will eventually want me for my body. *sigh* Everytime I think something like that, I keep remembering that Joe wasn't initially attracted to me. He had to "think about it." I'm never going to be a mommy.
#
( 2:29 PM ) K
Not much time to update as work is in a hour and a half. At last count, I've finished six lollipops, another three roses and somewhere around sixteen hearts. All chocolate and vanilla flavored. I am also in the process of putting the finishing touches on two cross-stitch, uh, things...patterns? Whatever. I have his mom to thank for this because I was complaining to her once that I tried it and couldn't do it, and she recommended these beginner kits, which I am doing, and my little froggie is quite cute. And it glows in the dark, which, y'know, is always a plus. Still reading, although the big thing right now is movie watching. I'm watching like two a day. I dunno why. Worrying about Joe and not wanting to worry about Joe. Wondering if it would really be so hectic moving down to Florida, since there's not much here anymore. Realized that 1/3 of my fertility years are gone and that if I continue to concentrate on my goal of being a buyer, I will likely never have kids. In another four months, I will be older than my mom was when she got married. And I've also come up with some new story ideas, which I will have to put in the ladylioness journal. Scott is wanting the computer and I must get the lead out, so au revoire.
#
( 1:14 PM ) K
Work's been kinda hectic over the last couple of days, and I haven't had a chance to update. But today of all days, I have absolutely nothing to say.
#
( 11:34 AM ) K
First another Heather quiz...
what movie symbolism are you? find out!
Quote from a sign outside the "Church on the Garden," which I passed on the way to the plastic surgeon's. "You think it's hot there? - God" I love those quotes. So very wittyish.
So I'm having a crappy day and it's only 11am in the morning. Got back from the drs half an hour ago. Was a major waste of time as this lady they stuck me with was the medical equivalant of a secterary. So I drove there, feeling like a little girl, who keeps reaching up for someone to pick her up, except there's no one there. And I drove home, feeling a combination of anger and what I've decided to call the "MJ" syndrome. For those of you who can't guess, that's an abbrievation for "missing Joe." It feels worse every time I read his sporadic updates in his journal because I know that there are things happening to him that I don't know. I'm not part of his life anymore. And that hurts. I will also admit to having feelings of jealousy because other people, who are girls, know what's going on in his life. And he wants to talk to them, whereas with me, it's almost been two months since the last time he called me.
Deb and I went out last night for her birthday and ended up getting into it. Y'know, it's funny, but lately, she and Joe remind me so much of each other. I wouldn't be surprised if I make her feel trapped too, the same way I did him. It makes me wonder if everyone I love will always end up leaving me and if there will ever be someone who will decide to stick around. And I hate knowing he created himself a larger bed, but not getting to try it out with him. I hate the fact that I'm still jealous over him, but I don't even know if he misses me at all. I hate working in a friggin' convent, where in a perfect world, there would be at least one guy I could focus my hormones on, but no. Instead, I'm lost in a quagmire of emotions and lust, when all I really want is the ability and opportunity to have a simple, uncomplicated bout of sex. I hate continually feeling lonely, lost and self-pitying. I hate living here, hate having no purpose in life, hate having to be all strong when all I want to do is go away for a couple of days and just cry. I hate being different and I hate being a goddamn experiment.
And that really is the crux of the matter. Having that woman say, "Hmm...unusual," after watching the world as I know it shift on its axis is a little more than I can deal with right now. All I really want is someone to hug me and tell me they love me, but there's no one left anymore.
#
( 4:05 PM ) K
Okay, so this is weird. The archives are updating okay. Just not the main page. Hmm...Livejournal is looking better and better...
#
( 3:57 PM ) K
Which Newsies Character Is Most Like You?
Find out at Newsies Meets Anime...Anime Meets Newsies...
Yes, I finally caved and bought "Newsies." On DVD, no less. I must recommend this movie to Meli. The slash potential is unlimited. I watched my favorite scenes last night while practicing my new craft of calligraphy. I kinda suck at it right now. Even though it's with a pen, you do still need some drawing ability. And I can't draw a straight line. So this will be an interesting experiment. Anyways, I was up 'til about 5am and then I settled myself down for a good six hours of uninterrupted, no dreams, sleep.
At 9:30am, my brother comes banging on the door. Get up. Mom wants to talk to you. So down the stairs I schlep, only to discover my plastic surgeon app't has been moved up to 1:30. Okay, fine. Back to bed for more sleep. Scott wakes me up again around 10:30. The app't has been cancelled. Well, this sucks, but at least now, I can get a few more hours of sleep. At 11:30, the alarm clock goes off. It goes off again at 12. I'm not really sleeping well at this point, because since I'm no longer teetering on the edge of exhaustion, I'm dreaming. I don't get good sleep when I'm dreaming. It doesn't much matter because I get woken up again by the boy at 2:30, this time because Mom's on the phone. "When's your new appointment?" I didn't make on, Ma, because I've been TRYING to sleep. "It's 2:30, what are you sleeping for? Make an appointment now." So I've made the new appointment. I'm meeting with Andrea, the physican's "assistant" tomorrow morning at ten. Excuse me while I raise a skeptical eyebrow and think to myself that I'm definitely not sharing the change in doctors with my dear mother. She'll throw a hissy fit and then she'll want to come. Which is not acceptable.
I tried calling Debbie to wish her a happy birthday, but nobody picked up and I hate their new answering machine. So Debs, if you're reading this now, Happy 21st! We have to get together so I can give you your present. She's gonna yell at me for it, but I don't care. I like buying presents for my friends and a girl doesn't turn 21 every year. Plus I went for more sentimentality this year, as compared to last year when I tried to top Amy's present of NSYNC concert tickets for year 19. This year I just got something special. Call me when you read this and I'll make another stab at talking to that machine. I've got no plans for tomorrow, aside from the "physican's appointment."
Okay, now I'm going to go get dressed and then I think I'm going to the dinner. I want chicken parmagania. And potatoes. Later all. Again, I don't know when you'll be reading this because Blogger is still screwy. Oh, and the Song of the Week is "Seize the Day," from the Newsies soundtrack, warbled by cutie pie David Moscow.
Seize the Day
Music by Alan Menken.
Lyrics by Jack Feldman.
DAVID:
Open the gates and seize the day
Don't be afraid and don't delay
Nothing can break us
No one can make us
Give our rights away
Arise and seize the day
DAVID and NEWSIES:
Now is the time to seize the day
Send out the call and join the fray
DAVID:
Wrongs will be righted
If we're united
DAVID and NEWSIES:
Let us seize the day
Friends of the friendless, seize the day
Raise up the torch and light the way
Proud and defiant
We'll slay the giant
Let us seize the day
Neighbor to neighbor
Father to son
One for all and all for one
Open the gates and seize the day
Don't be afraid and don't delay
Nothing can break us
No one can make us
Give our rights away
Neighbor to neighbor
Father to son
One for all and all for one
#
( 2:01 PM ) K
Blogger is acting screwy which is making me formulate a plan to move over to livejournal and keep it hidden from my mother. Not much to say now, because my cousin is asking me why Joe and I broke up, and I don't know what to tell her because I don't think I really understand it either. And I'm also talking to Joe again and I'm in such a dangerous mood, if I don't stop talking to him right now, I'm going to start using my powers for evil. Plus I'm hungry now and I'm going to nuke some food for lunch. Work awaits and tomorrow is Debbie's birthday and Plastic Surgeon day. Yipee. I hate July.
#
( 2:26 PM ) K
I should really switch to livejournal, but my mother knows about livejournal, so I'd have to cover my tracks very carefully. I'm not sure if it's worth it. Though it is a pain in the neck every time Blogger doesn't publish right. Like today and yesterday, for example.
I got pissed at Joe one day after the Fourth and I told him that I was deleting his numbers off my cell phone. I never actually did it. I tried, sat there with the phone in my hand and everything, but I just couldn't do it. So when I got my new phone, I programmed in his home number and his cell. I didn't put in his dorm room number. Largely because after Debbie told me she wanted to go to Texas, I found myself sitting in the car, staring at his number. I wanted to call him so badly, just to have him tell me about his day, anything to make myself feel connected. But all I kept remembering the last time I called, how happy he sounded before he realized it was me and how sad he sounded afterwards. So I didn't call. The lines of communication have opened up again, largely at my instigation. I've discovered the key is not to be completely open with him and treat him like I would someone at work. It's hard. I feel like I'm balancing on the fine line between love and bitterness. I keep wanting to say things that are no longer appropriate for me to say.
I am formulating a plan. A "How to Get to Michigan As Soon as Possible" plan. I shall devote my time here in Hell to becoming the perfect candidate for the job. I will begin exerting my sweetness and light on the human resource people in the corporate office from here, so that when they meet me in person, they will have no choice, but to let me have the position. It's rather ironic that I'm drawing up this plan on the first day I called in sick. My hip is bothering me and my head is hurting a little. I needed some downtime from everything. After I finish up here, I'm going downstairs to watch my new "Wizard of Oz" dvd and either play "Dinosaur Digs," the "Zoo Tycoon" Expansion pack or finish up cataloging my books. 26 left downstairs and a bunch more upstairs. It was Employee weekend at Borders, you know. 40% off. I didn't spend too much, but I did spend enough.
Not much else to talk about today. Feeling kinda sucky now, so I think I'll just leave you with some more Star Trek quotes. Only five for today.
"Jim, you're no different than anyone else. We all have our darker side. We need it. It's half of what we are. It's not ugly, it's human."
-McCoy to Kirk
TOS/ "The Enemy Within"
"Data, when you get involved with another person, there're always risks. Of disappointment. Of getting hurt."
-Riker to Data
TNG/ "In Theory"
"And it's been my observation that you humanoids have a hard time giving up the things you love...no matter how much they might hurt you."
-Odo to Kira
DS9/ "Heart of Stone"
"Without the darkness...how would we recognize the light?"
-Tuvok to Kes
VGR/ "Cold Fire"
"Jim, you don't ask the Almighty for his ID."
-McCoy to Kirk, on encountering a being who claims to be God
The Final Frontier
#
( 1:31 PM ) K
I forgot to mention something else. Besides the fact that I've gone down nearly three pant sizes, I'm also blondish now. It's an interesting look and the ladies at work think I look nice, especially when my hair's down. That and everything in the last entry is pretty much all that's changed around here.
#
( 12:52 PM ) K
I just went out to get the mail and there were these two brown packages sitting on the front stoop. My heart stopped. I've been living in mortal fear that Joe will send that blue pillow back to me. If he does, I know I'm going to feel just like I did the first time: like he's completely rejected me and everything we were. I still miss him and I've become so used to the feeling, I don't even notice it anymore until I read his journal or I talk to someone and mention him, or a ton of other little things. I have come to an ironic realization over the last couple of days. I think my insecurities ran so deep that I really underestimated what Joe felt for me. He loved me more than I gave him credit for. See, usage of past tense, missingness ensues. I wish there was some way I could just be able to move on. But there's no guy at work and no friends outside of work. Debbie has decided to join the Reserves, which means she'll be leaving, and I'll be stuck on this Island alone, except for my family. And I've definitely seen that the less time I spend with them, the more stable I am. So, although I'll have my family, I'm not going to have any social life or anyone to talk to. The two most important people in my life made these huge life-altering decisions that affect my life as well as theirs, and neither of them bothered to ask my opinion on the subject. She said the same thing he did: "It has nothing to do with you." So Joe's already left, started moving on, and Debbie will leave, and I'll end up here alone, with just this journal to talk to and no one tp read it. Because Sara abandoned me long before they did and Kate can't be bothered. And there's nobody else. I wonder if this is God's punishment for daring to be happy senior year. I had a guy who I love and who loved me, friends in my building, my family six hours away, a purpose in life and a best friend who listened when I needed her, and who needed me. Now it's all gone.
I'm rapidly moving along the path to adulthood. Got the health insurance covered, picked out a new credit card application, bought my own cell phone and got half of the payment for my car insurance together already. I've decided to go to a podatrist, because while my feet are perfect if I plan on hunting barefoot in a forest, they're kinda sucky for wearing sandals. Plus they ache continually. Three days til the plastic surgeon app't. Mom offered to go with me, but if she does, they're both going to put pressure on me to have more cosmetic work done and I just want to get the hole in my mouth fixed. Have to see the optometrist and the dentist too. I've been putting off the dentist for a while, but I think three years is long enough. I'm scared of the dentist. To this day, the smell of mouthwash still has the power to invoke a sense of dread in me. I never really told Joe the real reason I was apprehensive about learning Scuba diving. It wasn't so much the wetsuit as it was the breathing apparatus. If anything reminds me of the jaw surgery, I panic, even if it's just a little. And if I panic underwater, it's dangerous for the both of us. I tried to shield him from my panic attacks Fall semester, and the last thing in the world I would ever do would be to put his life in danger. I was gradually accustoming myself to the idea of learning from him, since it is such a big piece of his life, but now I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore.
I'm definitely brooding too much of late. Well, both Debbie and Joe are Star Trek fans, so I'm sure they won't mind if I quit talking about myself and do some quoting instead. Only ten from now and I chose them all from the book, "Quotable Star Trek," by Jill Sherwin. Live long and prosper.
"Sometimes you've got to look back, in order to move forward."
-Janeway to Seven of Nine
VGR/ "Hope and Fear"
"If there is a cosmic plan, is it not the height of hubris to think that we can, or should, interfere?"
-Riker to Picard, on the interfering with a planet's course toward destruction
TNG/ "Pen Pals"
"If there is a cosmic plan, are we not part of it? Our presence at this place at this moment in time could be a part of that fate."
-Troi to senior staff, on the interfering with a planet's course toward destruction
TNG/ "Pen Pals"
"If you drop a hammer on your foot, it's hardly useful to get mad at the hammer."
-Riker to Picard
TNG/ "Shades of Grey"
"I do believe there's more within each of us than science has yet explained."
-Tuvok to Elani
VGR/ "Innocence"
"When faced with desperate circumstances...we must adapt."
-Seven of Nine to Chakotay
VGR/ "Demon"
"How do you know so much?"
"I asked them."
-Kirk and Spock on the androids' plans
TOS/ "I, Mudd"
"Focus on the goal...not the task."
-Tanis to Kes
VGR/ "Cold Fire"
"What your eyes show you is only the surface of reality. Look deeper."
-Tanis to Kes
VGR/ "Cold Fire"
"I've noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million."
-Spock to Doctor McCoy
TOS/ "The Immunity Syndrome"
#
( 9:00 PM ) K
Today didn't suck. Largely, I think, because it passed by in a work-stress blur. Of course, it could also be due to the fact that I am sleep-deprived. I can fill my day with busyiness, but my nights are mostly for thinking. Nothing else to do in this house.
Mom's in the den as well, so there's not going to be much to say now. Plus it looks like the blog publishing capacity is also down again, so who knows when this will go up. However, it does appear that I've screwed up again and there's something I want to say. I miss Joe so much. This is the longest that I've gone without seeing him since we started. Sure, this is for the best and everything, but he's still the first person I think of when something bad happens and the first person I want to call when something good does. Even now, after all this, I'd give almost anything if he could come to the surgeon's with me on the 18th. If they tell me there's nothing they can do, that I'll just have to live with it, or if they tell me I'll need more surgery, it would still be more bearable if he was there with me. And though I suspected how this might end, even if I had known for sure, I wouldn't change anything. I'd go through everything again, every bad thing, every good thing, because being with him is always better than being without him. No regrets.
#
( 2:26 PM ) K
Today is going to be a quote day, because yesterday sucked just as much as the day before it. So very little originality here. First off, we have a quote from the Buffy 2nd season episode, "Passion." Evil Angel does a voice-over towards the end of the episode and as I was watching the episode yesterday, I said, "Hmm." Here's that quote for you:
"It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... Without passion, we'd be truly dead."
Well, that's kinda uplifting in a depressing sort of way. Veyr similar to how I feel right now. Hollow, like everything's been burned away inside of me. The next quotes are taken from my past entries in this journal. I call this section, "Why I feel like an Idiot Because I Should Listen to Myself More, but I Wish I Was Wrong Sometimes."
From March 29: I highly doubt we'd be able to last beyond graduation. At the very max, we might be able to stretch it out until he comes back up here at the end of June.
From April 15: Now I'm depressed because my head (he loves me, there's no one else he wants to be with) and my insecurities (he's ashamed of me, maybe he should be with someone else) are battling it out and in the midst of it all is still the rock hard fact that once he's back up here and I'm stuck at home, our relationship is likely going to be over.
From June 18: I feel like I'm clinging to some intangible thing, something that's very loosely defined and could drift away at any moment.
From July 1: I'm just afraid that this isn't real and Joe's going to turn around in Syracuse, see all those other girls, and realize that he's not supposed to be with me.
Wasn't that enlightening? Granted, the last one is a bit off, because there were no other girls involved, but this proves what I've been saying all along. This particular breakup has been a long time coming. Probably why I am merely throwing pity parties for myself instead of wallowing in depression. I saw it coming from a ways back. No real quote from this, but in my last entry I mentioned a funeral. Well, I won't be going to the funeral, but somebody did die in my little world. It was more of a paper cut death than a frying pan, so my prayers for her and her family, but I'm largely unaffected except to go, "Huh. Woulda look at that?"
I leave you now with the Song of the Week. Prior to the Fourth, I'd picked out two other songs which were "I'd Rather" by Luther Vandross and Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me". But I was listening to the radio in my car yesterday, as always, and I heard this song and I knew that this was the right choice. If you've never heard the song before, the female vocalist sings the first verse, the male one sings the third verse, and the middle one (the chorus). they sing together. So the Song of the Week selection follows. Adios.
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Patty Smyth and Don Henley
I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
#
( 2:25 PM ) K
This has been a bad month. A very, very bad month. Let's see...in, oh, about ten days, I will likely be told that I require further surgery if I ever want a normal life. I'm expecting at least one death in my family before the year is up, likely before the summer is over. I need to go to the dentist, something I've been putting off for two years, but I want to do all of this necessary stuff before my old insurance runs out. The managers at work had like a meeting or something about my stress levels. Relations with my mom have suffered because she cannot be trusted at all. My brother will not be working this summer, as he is instead in three plays, so right now he is in the basement playing video games with his girlfriend. And, oh yes, here's another little tidbit for you: I never actually graduated from college. Not completely, anyway. So say what you want about my BA, I never earned the damn thing anyway.
I get dressed in the morning and I look down at my body and I think, "It took the deaths of thousands of people, the start of a war, a big dose of fate and a very, very pointed question asked while sitting in the shadows before someone found this attractive." Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if Brian had just opened his door that morning. I probably would have never gone up to Joe's room and all of this would never have happened. But his door remained closed and my mind went to the next likely person to be in pain. So off I went into the river of destiny and all that crap. He had nine months of knowing that through all the loss and turmoil he was experiencing, there was at least one person who wouldn't leave. And me, well, I'm still alive. I didn't kill myself or give up. I kept going and now here I am. There are times when I very much regret not being selfish enough.
But if God wanted me dead, I'd be dead. So there must be some purpose as to my continued existence. Some reason that I'm still here when all I ever really get to feel is hurt, pain, anger and loss, whether it be mine or someone else's. Still, there were times when I was happy. And that's more than anything I had before. So I'll just keep slogging along through the slush, keeping pushing myself forward, and then I'll move to Michigan when the time's right. Hopefully within a year. Florida's not looking like it's going to happen because I only want to have to move once and at this point, it would be more like running away than anything else. With everything else I've learned over the last nine months, I've learned how strong I really am. I'm a survivor. Even when it's the last thing I want to do.
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( 11:15 PM ) K
ARGH! *seethes quietly* Let me tell you how my day went. Oh what a day, what a cruel, cruel day. It started off with a melachonly morning. I was sitting on my bed in my jammies, reading a book, with my purple velvety pillow in my lap. John called last night and regaled me with more frat house antics, which made me think thoughts which I shouldn't be thinking because 1) he has a girlfriend 2) we're much better long distance and 3) it really wasn't him I was thinking of. So I was all mopey because the thoughts of last night followed me into the morning. My velvety pillow wasn't cheering me up because I kept thinking about the blue one. The blue one that was mine, that I left in his respective rooms, and that I gave him after I graduated. It was more like "our" pillow, though. After the Big Fight, he left it outside my door and I put it in my closet until he bailed and went home early, and then I slept with it. Because it still kinda smelled liked him and all sorts of pathetic things like that. So I was missing the blue pillow, when I remembered the last time Audra came over to see him, she laid on the pillow all night and it ended up smelling like her, which I wasn't too happy about. And I remembered reading in his journal that she had slept over his place on the 3rd, and I got more depressed, thinking she'd probably slept with it.
Later on, as I was getting ready for work, I was thinking I should modify my vacation plans. Originally, I thought I'd drive upstate to my grandparents' place in Livingston Manor. For like a couple of days or something. During one day, I'd make the three hour drive over to Syracuse to see Joe, and then just drive back at night, since Joe wasn't allowed to have overnight visitors, one of the main excuses he gave me why I couldn't go up to see him. Then something clicked in my brain finally and I can only say it was the shock that prevented me from picking up on it before. I remembered again what I thought that morning and what he wrote:
"All of the breakups were hard but in the end id do anything for them which includes audra staying here last night because she didnt want to stay alone in her new apartment."
Audra slept over. In his room. On a floor with minors. While he was officially the Senior RA. Which is supposed to be against the rules. The same night where, at 6:25pm, he wrote an email breaking up with me. I wasn't much worried about the timing at this point, as I am with the swift and sudden rejection I am feeling. She got to stay, while I got excuse after excuse why it wasn't possible.
Off I went to work, with this leaden ball of achiness in my stomach. Work was nice and distracting. I had my break the same time as one of the cashiers, Michelle. And we talked for the hour, mostly about her. It was interesting. She's 29, soon to be 30, but she looks much younger than that. She's a teacher, and her husband's a firefighter. So we talked for a while about 9-11 and I mentioned Joe every so often. Except I kept wanting to say "my boyfriend." I slipped once, but the rest of the time, it was my ex-boyfriend. No longer my guy and I'm not his girl anymore. Exes. The ache is pulsing now.
Somehow a large golden retriver plush by Ty ends up at Info, and I developed an attachment for the toy. It's soft and cuddly, and as I'm feeling right now, I desperately need the comfort. I was planning on holding it for myself until I could get 40% off, but I couldn't wait and decided I really needed it now. I planned (and still plan) on sleeping with it tonight. It's like my surrogate pillow. So work calmed me down and I drive home with my new friend, feeling reasonably in control. Then I walk in the door, where every light is blazing, everyone is still up and Scott is on the computer.
Normally, after a night shift, I like to take the next two hours to wind down. Tonight I was planning on going on the computer quickly to write this, and then enjoying a nice quiet meal in the kitchen, while reading my book. But this was not to be. Scott wasn't budging, and both parents felt the need to speak to me about very trival things. It was highly irritating and my calmness quickly evaporated. Finally, everybody went to bed and I got the computer.
I started writing this entry and, all of the sudden, for no apparent reason, the computer begins to shut down. More irritation. So now here I am and after writing the fourth paragraph, I am suddenly consumed with the timing of it all. I took Scott and Kelly to see an 8:00 showing of MIB2 and I know I called him after we got home. I left a message on his machine saying how much I missed him and that I saw the movie and that he would probably enjoy it. He'd already sent the email at this point. Was she there? Was she, God, listening to me as I said all this, knowing that he dumped me? I'm trying futilely to remember if I called him when I got home from work at 5ish. I would have left another message. What time did they get together? God please, PLEASE, tell me he didn't take any advice from her about this. It was bad enough knowing he talked to Sara about this, but Audra? She ripped out his heart and stomped on it, countless of times. I can't count the number of times I found him all depressed after talking to her. If he took advice from her about this, I swear to God I'll...I don't know. Probably cry some more.
A small part of me is terrified they slept together. Even though I didn't get the email until 12:30ish on the 4th, he might've considered us broken up that night. Or, God, what if they slept together and that's why he chose then to break up with me? What if when I called, they were in bed together and that's what sparked everything? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think he'd do that. But the very fact that I'm asking these questions tells me that our relationship was obviously in serious trouble. I didn't think anything of her sleeping over until I thought about the pillow and later connected the rest.
Dammit, dammit! He'd never cheat, but if he thought the relationship over already? Even if I didn't know it was? I don't know. He's online, home, probably at the computer. I want to call him. I need him to yell at me, to tell me I'm being paranoid. He's already said there's no one else, but I don't think he and Audra would work again as a couple. God. God. I don't know what to do. Why that night? I think I'm going to call. It's dangerous and risky, but I need to know why. I'm going to go get my new plushie, go into the kitchen and call. No, he couldn't have slept with her. No. I'm overreacting. I just need to calm down and call. whoosh.
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( 4:30 PM ) K
Couldn't publish yesterday because of a blog snafoo. So that entry plus today's will go up now. I think I'm going to go to the bank and then to Amok Time, Electronic Boutique to pick up another copy of zoo tycoon since Scott broke his, and then home again for a night of book databasing and Buffy. Mom and Dad are going to a wedding, so they won't be home. Unfortunately, Scott invited a friend over, so there'll be two of them here. I've already staked a claim on the basement though.
Scott had his first performance in "Sleeping Beauty" today. It was quite adorable. It was a really strong cast and the kids in the audience were all getting involved. It's a 45 minute production and he has it for every Saturday & Sunday til the end of the summer. I mentioned to Mom that we should start a website for him. He's in three productions, including Sleeping Beauty, this summer and he's been in a bunch prior to this.
All I want to say regarding the Joe thing is that I'm doing okay. But I can't trust my mother. A lesson I write here in hopes that I will remember it for the future. I cannot tell my mother any information because it ends up placing me in an uncomfortable position. I've ended up defending Joe several times over the last 72 hours. It makes me feel very odd to be defending a man who hurt me. Damn my sense of honor and fair play.
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( 8:18 PM ) K
I woke up this morning after another round of disturbing dreams (I'm thinking some therapy might not be a bad idea) feeling okay. I was sorrowful, still a bit tired, but I basically felt like a strong person. As awful as it sounds, this is the fourth or fifth time that Joe broke up with me, so by now, I'm kinda used to it. And again, I really do feel that this was the best decision for us. It was just the method of execution that I objected to. But before I left for work today, I read this in his journal:
"I ended my relationship with kristin via email this is true and I admit to it but I chose that method for one reason. In the last few weeks when this subject came up I felt it impossible for me to say anything I needed to say to her. I felt as if I was backed into a corner and was pinned down."
I didn't know what to think then. But as the day has gone by, I've felt steadily worse. Love shouldn't be a trap and the last thing, I of all people, want to do is make someone feel trapped. To know I made him feel that way...I'm sorry. It's all I can say. I'm sorry.
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( 9:51 PM ) K
Well, happy fuckin' fourth of july to me. Home now from work. There were some good points in that eight hour shift. I got new books. The eight hours flew by. The two co-workers who I told my plight to said all the nasty things about Joe that I can't say. But today has mostly sucked. I actually got called into a manager's office today because she wanted to say, that while I wasn't doing a bad job or anything, she felt I needed to relax more. I was too stressed out, she said. I had to then explain to her that a personal incident happened less than an hour before I left for work and I was still reeling from the shock. Much to my humilation, I started to cry again. I also broke down for about fifteen minutes during my break, which means I haven't eaten anything all day. Mom felt sorry for me and packed a lunch for me, but I got nauseous and I couldn't eat. I also couldn't leave my shift early because if I left before it was over, I would have received a demerit on my record.
Honestly, I don't think us breaking up was a bad idea. My feelings for Joe have always been much stronger than his for me, and it just wasn't fair for me to force him to try to match those feelings. So yeah, really, us breaking up was a possibility I was becoming adjusted to. I realized this morning that I was adapting to life without him. I miss him, almost constantly, but I can live without him. Plus the more he kept avoiding me, the less I trusted him. To this day, the whole Kate thing still bothers me as well as the weight incidences. I also had a hard time believing that he could just leave without saying goodbye. It was clear to see that I simply couldn't rely on him. Just because he had too much in his life to care about my own. I wrote in a previous entry that his situation couldn't change and I had to decide if I could deal with talking to him infrequently. I'd just about reached the decision that maybe some less committment would be a good thing. It was just a matter of pinning him down long enough to talk about it. Certainly, writing him an email never crossed my mind.
And that, dear readers, is what I cannot quite grasp. The fact that he had so little regard for me and our relationship that he chose to end it in this manner. Now I will admit his reasons for breaking up with me (as detailed further in his second email) are valid. And writing a letter to a second party detailing your feelings is a well-used psychological tool. However, when you are involved in a serious, nine month, relationship where the topic of marriage was, however lightly, discussed, you do not just sever all ties with that person by an email. And, while I am most definitely going to need time to recover from this, I do not rule out the possibility of becoming friends with him again. I did promise after all.
I will also admit that, in my scenario of us breaking up, the door was left open for us to perhaps (though unlikely) get back together. With a mutual break-up, where both parties agree that this is unfortunately for the best, reconcilation is always a possibility. Not now, however. How can I possibly trust him again? What guarantee do I have that he won't get scared and abandon me again? Furthermore, my parents will never like him now. Not after this. It would have been one thing if I walked down the stairs, teary but in control, and announced Joe and I were no longer together. Finding me sobbing hysterically at the computer screen, however, is not at all conducive to future relations. And Debbie? Whoo boy. She'd probably attack him. Most likely verbally, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of violence.
So where am I now? Hurt and angry mostly. I feel used and incredibly stupid. My head hurts from all the crying I've done today, but I think I'm finally starting to get hungry. The problem is that the house is full of him. In my car, there's the memory of him flirting with me, and then telling me my knuckles are getting white on the wheel. Of sitting out on the deck, just cuddling and enjoying the night. Him sitting on my bed next to me as I put on makeup to go see Scott in the "Sound of Music" and him saying how beautiful I am. The front lawn where he stood with Kelly's poodle in his arms as everybody conversed. The basement with the couch, where I laughed with him about milk in omelots, where I held him after his dad went in the hospital, where I played Harry Potter on my gameboy as he played Pokemon on the nintendo. Where we watched DVDs and made out. The kitchen where he cooked us dinner, where he sat around my kitchen table and helped my brother make fun of me. Forget all the physical objects in my room, it's the memories I can't deal it.
My parents are home now, so I'm going to end this. Mom just offered to take apart the couch and buy a new one. I told her no. The memories hurt now, but someday, they'll be good again. I just have to hang on until then.
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( 1:20 PM ) K
I can't breathe. My chest hurts and I just can't breathe. I had a nightmare last night that there was another terrorist attack, a mall or something. There were plumes of fire, horrible stenches in the air, and Joe was there, somewhere, in the middle of it all. I woke up gasping his name. I was so afraid, so paranoid, I called him this morning just to make sure he was alive. That he wasn't planning on going to the Carousel Mall. The whole conversation lasted 3 minutes and 26 seconds, or so my cell phone told me. It hurt that he didn't want to talk longer, but I was relieved that he was safe and alive. Then I check my email two hours later and find one that he sent me yesterday. And I was pitifully happy, thinking he was finally making an effort. Instead he broke up with me. Yesterday.
Oh God. If this had to happen, it wasn't supposed to happen like this. He wasn't supposed to let me find out sitting in my den. I never had the chance to say goodbye. He just walked alway and left me. He just walked away like everyone always does. I never got the chance to hear him say he loved me one last time. Why doesn't anyone ever love me enough to stay?
I have to go to work now. My parents already know and the pity is thick in their voices. It's going to be so difficult at work today. I had planned on finishing my letter to him during break. I wrote him a story. He said he liked my stories.
I can live without him. Eventually, I'll make it through the pain and heartbreak. I know this. But...now...I can't breathe.
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( 4:39 PM ) K
feet hurt
very hot.
work good
family insane
new books
yayness factor rising
letter almost done
Plan BtB ready
Kristin sleepy
Nap time
Zzzz
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( 2:06 PM ) K
Well, I have twenty five minutes to craft a heart-wrenching poignant entry, detailing my latest psychological ephinanies. This latest batch of ephinanies was sparked by my maternal grandmother. After mom said she had work-out today, grandma told her she didn't have to go. We all commented on that and then she said, "When I come to visit, I expect someone here to visit with." I immediately flashed back to Joe saying that this is why me visiting wouldn't be the bestest idea ever. If I go up, I'd want a visit. Plus I had a dream last night, indirectly involving Joe and when I woke up, I said to myself, "It was only a dream. I wouldn't do that in real life...would I?" This whole week has been like God is holding a mirror to my soul and going, "See? I warned you." I definitely don't care for the reflection I'm seeing.
I just reminded myself of those billboards where it's supposed to be God speaking. Like, "Don't make me come down there." Heh.
The whole point to all my ephinanies is the end realization. And the realization that came to me after this batch...okay, well, there was more than one. First off, I realized how damaged I really was. I think one of the main reasons I need to hear from Joe constantly is because I'm so afraid that this is all an illusion. As more and more time passes without talking to him, it's going to be like I made this all up. How could someone like me ever end up with a guy like him, in a relationship that, even in its low points, can make me happy? I'm just afraid that this is real and Joe's going to turn around in Syracuse, see all those other girls, and realize that he's not supposed to be with me. I remember the first time he said he loved me. Granted, I wasn't too awake at the time, but I remember that I didn't believe him. I thought he meant it more like, "You're a great gal," than the "I love you" love you. I just couldn't believe that he meant it. Actually, I'm fairly certain that he said it first, which lent credence to the not-romantic-love theory. After all, who would voluntarily say they love me?
So that was my first realization. The second one (and I'll make it brief, I'm running out of time) is the simple fact that my relationship with Joe is, quite frankly, depending on me. Right now, his life isn't under his control. There are things he needs to do, things he has to take care of. He cannot spend as much time as he has on me. It's just not possible. So I need to decide if I can accept a lesser role in his life for the time being. I've always hated coming last in his life, but now it's more of a necessity than a choice. He can't change what he has to do. So if he can't change, either I have to or we're both going to continue being miserable, one way or another. I'm still mulling that one over.
Okay, must dash now. If I get a chance later, remind me to tell you about the party and work. As a parting gift to you all, here's another quiz that Heather found. I figured I'd stick it here for a nice dose of irony.
What's Your Love Style?
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I speak.
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