( 7:07 PM ) K
Tired. Very, very tired. 8 and a half hours of almost constant movement. Oh, so very tired. Little sleep. Went out with Debbie last night and couldn't calm down afterwards. Played "Zoo Tycoon" until late. Biiig mistake. House is filled with grandparents now. The big poobah is tomorrow. Eek. Deb's coming. Nobody else. Yay deb. Talked to Joe yesterday before he hung up on me (thanks for that, love). Turns out he's frustrated and annoyed with everyone, not just me. So I'm not being ignored, since he's not talking to anyone. Which makes me worried for him and more relaxed for me. Care package is likely. Being yelled at again. They want me to eat. Too many people. Just too many people.
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( 4:27 PM ) K
There is laundry to do and I think after I put a load in, I shall walk down to McDonalds. Because, and how sad is this, McDonalds has become my comfort food. On the happy side of things, Joe and I are going to try to make the distance thing work and I got bumped up to full time today. Benefits, yay! On the not too happy side, yesterday marked nine months and while that wasn't really a big deal, Joe did leave for Syracuse (I think) and now I haven't heard from him in about three days. No phone conversations for about 5. Debbie cheered me up last night, but now I'm kinda bummed again. It's not so much the distance thing, 'cause I had lots of time to get used to that, but it's the fact that we didn't get to say goodbye and with the communications breakdown, I don't know what's going on in his life. I feel like I've been put on a need-to-know basis. And what I feel I need to know, he doesn't. *sigh* It's all confuzzling. But work is going good, which is good, because if work wasn't good, I wouldn't be doing too good. Confuzzling. Definitely confuzzling.
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( 12:11 PM ) K
I don't think there's much to say today except I don't understand any of life. I just don't get it.
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( 6:47 PM ) K
Finally talked to Joe last night for longer than three minutes. Just long enough for me to tell him about my work stuff and the fact that a hospital stay might be in my future. And then he told me that they instituted a new policy for the summer RAs. Where the RAs have to abide by the same rules as the students. Which means no overnight guests. Which means that if I don't see Joe before he leaves on Monday, I'm not going to see him again for a very, very long time. So I started crying at the kitchen table which pretty much capped off the horribleness of the last couple days. Well, until I said to him, I'm afraid because it's been so hard to talk to you these last couple of days, what's going to happen when you get back to school and you have RA stuff and thesis stuff to deal with. That's when he told me that he was too tired to "pay [me] the attention [I] deserve." That capped it all off.
*sigh* I dunno. I'm just scared. I feel like I'm clinging to some intangible thing, something that's very loosely defined and could drift away at any moment. And frankly, the thought of not seeing him at all for months is very unsettling. I think the real problem is that I don't have any real way of understanding what it's like for him. I love my family and everything, but if it's a choice between time with Joe and time with my family, I've generally always picked Joe. He complained to me once in Syracuse because I was calling Debbie too much and he was upset because Deb would get to see me all summer, but we only had a couple of weeks. Emotionally, I think I feel the same way about his family. Which is selfish and boneheaded on my part. He doesn't have the luxury of a choice like I do. My family does not need or depend on me, whereas things are going to get difficult for his when he leaves. In my head, I get all this. My heart, however, feels like I'm losing him.
I can't write anymore. Mom's riding my ass again and I'm going to fall to pieces in a manner of minutes. See, this, this is why I don't understand. I'd give almost anything to be almost anywhere else right now. Anywhere instead of this house where everything dies and I'm just a fucking piece of property that is supposed to be properly displayed without causing a fuss. And yet I'm willing to consider staying here if it means being closer to him. I just don't get it.
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( 1:45 PM ) K
I am not a happy camper. Honestly, lately, I've been more content happy, instead of happy happy. Happiness dropped to contentness and now I'm just not happy. Why am I not happy? I'll tell you why.
1. It's taking a little longer for me to fit in at work than I would like.
2. Mom has me all hyped up about my cholestrol level.
3. Mom is not working for a month and is home. All the time.
4. My room has moved beyond messy and is now a disaster area.
5. I'm still bummed about my academic failures.
6. I posted my new chapter and got a grand total of three replies.
7. It's hot and I get all sticky and uncomfortable.
8. I really hate it when my feet hurt, which they pretty much do all the time now.
9. I desperately want my own place, but I don't really want to leave Joe or Debbie.
10. I don't know what the hell I want to do in regards to where I'm going to live and what job I want.
11. Joe's been moody and depressed because of the move and stuff.
12. Joe has been very unavailable of late.
13. I moved more of his sister's stuff than she has.
14. I figured out a way to go up with him to 'Cuse so he wouldn't have to make the drive alone because I know he hates that and I figured I could help him move in. However, I have not been able to tell Joe about the plan because he has neither the time, the energy, or the inclination to return any of my phone calls.
15. I am very, very tired of moving things, hence the disaster area room.
16. I am very, very tired of making phone calls that are never returned.
17. Despite the avoidance, I still miss Joe, a fact which pisses me off further.
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST...
18. I'm relatively sure, thanks to another hidden minefield in this fucked up thing I call a body, that I will need yet another surgery which will mean another hospital visit, despite Mom's optomistic hope for an office job because I do not think they can mess around with my palate within the confines of an office.
Those 18 reasons, dear reader, is why I am not happy. There are a few more floating around inside my head, including the fact that Joe will be leaving a week from today, but I figured 18 was quite enough. Plus I have work tonight from 4-12. I work closing on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, opening on Fridays, and I midshift from 11-7 on Sundays. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have off. I'm going to go find something to eat now as I shake my head at my own stupidity because the sad, sad thing is that nearly half of the 18 reasons are my own damn fault. Thank you and good night.
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( 10:45 PM ) K
Heather took more quizzes...
 |  | I am strong. Almost invincibly so. To attack me physically is foolish. I am not however without my soft spots. I am quiet by nature, but am in command of great force. All I ask is a little peace, and a little solidarity. Deny me my space, and I just might get angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
What's your superpower? |
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>
What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com /
<º>
Heh. I like these.
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( 10:32 PM ) K
I just finished a microwaveble dinner. I think there's something rather sad about someone eating a microwaveble dinner alone. Regular cooking, okay, that doesn't seem so pathetic. But microwaveble? Sad. Very sad. I would have liked to make tortellini with a meat sauce. Me and my silly dreams.
Kate called me. Quite unexpectedly. I called Joe. He couldn't talk. I'm going to try him again at 11, but his normal phone is disconnected already. Tomorrow's the big day. I wish there was some way I could make this not happen for him, but at the same time, I'll be a little relieved when this is over. I'm already thinking about possible visitation dates and I'm not even sure if he'd want me coming up. *sigh* Sometimes it's hard for me. There are one or two dark clouds hovering in my mind, but compared to the stormfront with Joe, I feel like the sky is practically clear. But those clouds are still there...I dunno. I think it's because I feel rather good. It's unusual for me.
I had one of those "huh, that's strange" moments. I don't have very good visual memory. I have a detailed, well-trained memory, but it's very hard for me to pull up images in my mind. Unless I have photographs, I have trouble remembering what people's faces look like. I'm more apt to see a photograph clearly in my head than a memory. Here's the thing, though. I can remember what Joe was wearing at the Supergush concert, where he and Audra met for the first time, can actually see the outfit in my head. Joe's mentioned once or twice that he wishes it'd been me he clicked with that night, instead of Audra. Me, I've always thought that things happen when they're supposed to happen. But now I'm wondering a bit. About fate and intution and all that. In that WRT 205 class, Joe and I were on opposite sides of the circle, practically facing each other. He remembered me and I remembered him, after a year of not seeing each other at all. I thought he was an ass in class and he thought I was a snob. The point is, we stood out to each other. In a classroom of thirty, out of five different classes (at least), we noticed each other. In not positive ways, yes, but still. I dunno. Maybe this is one of my exhaustion delusions. Am I talking crazy? I'm probably talking crazy.
I'm going to hunt up some ice cream now. The problem with having a regular nighttime phone time is, by the time it rolls around, I'm too tired to really converse. *sigh* I wish Debbie hadn't been working tonight. I wish Joe wasn't moving. I wish too many wishes.
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( 4:29 PM ) K
I woke up this morning after four hours of restless sleep, feeling rather ill. I really wanted to call in sick, but the knowledge that my mother (and Scott) would be home as well as the fact that I want to be considered for a promotion to full-time, prompted me to slosh my way to work (it's pouring). By hour six, I was getting a fair bit cranky. It was getting hard for me to maintain my cherubic-like demeanor. However, the fact that I spent the last hour doing RPLs (don't ask me what it stands for, I don't remember) in the stockroom, away from the rapacious demands of the customers, I left work rather content. I've nearly got the Sports section completely alphabetized. Then, because I got the largest paycheck I have ever received today, I decided it would be a good day to open my new savings account. So I stopped by the bank on my way home from work. I skipped out to my car, quite pleased with my maturity and foresight. And then, then dear readers, I went home. The yelling started as I placed one 8 1/2 wide sized foot in the door.
It continued on as I proudly displayed my savings account log (quite killing the joy I'd mustered) and while I've enjoyed a brief respite since I finally did remove my "damn sneakers" from this floor, the respite has ended and the fifteen minutes I've had to check my email and write this is now over. I want a dorm room, that is right next to Joe's, but I don't want to have to go to class. *sigh* I do dream the impossible dreams, don't I?
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( 5:29 PM ) K
Joe is coming, Joe is coming! And he's in a justifiable aggravated mood (lots and lots of traffic), but I'll coax him out of it. I baked. Muffins. Blueberry. It's old and cliched, but the way to a man's heart is still through his stomach. Kate, if you're reading this, call now!
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( 2:47 PM ) K
Originally saw this in Joe's and then I found it this morning in Heather's. So I did it. *shakes head* I'm so weak.
Fallen for your best friend?: Yes
Made out w/ JUST a friend?: Technically yes.
Been rejected?: Yes.
Been in love?: Yes.
Been in lust?: Naturally
Used someone?: I've manipulated.
Been used?: Oh yeah.
Cheated on someone?: Never have, never would.
Been cheated on?: I don't think so.
Been kissed?: Yes.
Done something you regret?: More in the past than recently.
Who was the last person...
You talked to?: Joe.
You kissed?: See above.
You had sex with?: Nice try. Good girls don't tell.
Who told you they loved you?: I don't remember.
Do you..
Color your hair?: A few highlights.
Have tattoos?: Nope. Just some scars.
Have piercings?: Not really.
Own a thong?: Thank you, no.
Have you / do you / are you...
Stolen anything?: Yeah.
Smoke?: Hell no.
Schizophrenic?: Not really.
Obsessive compulsive?: I like to shop. And eat. And talk...
Panic?: Occasionally.
Anxiety?: I've been known to overreact.
Depressed?: Yes.
Suicidal?: Yes. Only came close once or twice, though.
If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: Disney World. Without the family.
Can you do anything freakish with your body?: I'm very, very flexible.
Most attractive on others?: Smiles.
Would you marry for money?: Not just for money.
Have you had braces?: For 8 bloody years.
When was the last time you had a hickey?: Uh...no comment.
Could you live without a computer?: I suppose I could as long as I had books.
What is your favorite place to visit?: The mountains
What is the last movie you saw?: I don't remember. I think it was "Spirit" with Joe.
Do you kiss on the first date?: Well, in my limited experience, I haven't really.
Do you have any dimples?: It depends.
Do you drink alcohol?: I so cannot handle booze. No head for it at all. My Celtic ancestors are rolling in their graves.
Did you like or do you like high school?: Freshman year was good. The next two sucked. Senior year was livable.
Who do you want to kiss?: Heh heh.
When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: Depends on the sitch.
Do you think you can draw well?: I've been told I really don't have any real artistic ability.
How many pairs of shoes do you have in your closet?: I have three pairs of sneakers that I rotate. And dress shoes that I wear only when forced to.
Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: See above.
Do you write poetry?: Occasionally. Short stories mostly. Fanfic really.
Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: Stomach actually.
Dog/cat?: Like my puppies, but I don't mind kitties.
Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: Emotional for the most part, but I just hate when my feet hurt.
Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: Yes.
Are you a sex addict?: Define "addict."
Do you know someone who has cancer?: Not personally. Cancer scares, yeah.
Do you like to argue?: I've been known to speak up when I'm right and somebody else persistently ignores my wisdom.
Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: A zoo in the spring/fall, museum in the summer/winter
Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: Not yet, but I'm sure I will be consuming soda at some point.
How many phones and TVs do you have in your house?: Oh geez. Let me count. Four TVs that are plugged in, one that is not. There are four cell phones, one portable, one regular and a fax machine.
How long is your hair?: Longish. Joe won't let me cut it.
Do you get along with your parents?: My Dad, usually. Mom, not often.
What color of eyes do you prefer?: I lust for blue, but I fall for brown.
If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?: I'm a good person, but I'm not very sociable. I think it would be hard for me to get to know me.
Are you a daredevil?: Not when it comes to physical stuff.
Do looks matter?: Not in most cases.
Are you trendy?: I wear jeans and t-shirts. I'm a rebel, baby.
What do you look for in a guy/girl?: Compassion and a good heart.
What is your nickname?: The only one people use with regularity is K and Kris. My family has a multitude of embarassing pet names for me and Joe has one or two.
Would you bungee jump?: Hell no.
Do you think you are strong?: Sometimes. In recent months, I've learned I can be strong when I need to be. But I think most of the time I'm still a coward.
What's your least favorite thing in the world?: Blind hatred.
What would you change about yourself?: I wish that I didn't have such a narrow view of the world.
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( 2:10 PM ) K
It's not like I didn't know it could happen. Hell, all the signs were there. Mom even warned me. The possibility was just too awful to confront, so I reduced it down to this nebulous blob. But I can't ignore it any longer. It's happened...Mom has a month off from work. She's going to be home. During the day. And I have mostly night shifts for the next two weeks. She's saying things like, "keep you hopping" and "bonding time." She's already yelled at me three times this morning. I'm only on the computer because she's working out. I'm scared. Very, very scared. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get dressed and go to work two hours early. Pray for me.
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( 12:49 PM ) K
I have long known that Joe is much more comfortable sharing deep dark thoughts through writing. Still, it is a bit unsettling when I think I know a story and how he feels about things and then I read his journal and I discover all these missing pieces that make me go, "Ohhh. So that's why." What is it about online journals that make it so easy to express ourselves?
More quiz results, thanks to Heather Feather (as Joe and Kate have dubbed her): Primary
Ability:
Farseeker
Farseekers posses the ability to communicate over great distances via telepathy. They are great friends who know when they're needed, and seem to be able to detect others thoughts.
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Secondary
Ability:
Futureteller
Futuretellers have an uncanny knack of knowing what is going to happen, well before anybody else. Alot of futuretellers have truedreams, whereas some, like Brydda, have what they call a 'sixth sense'. Futuretellers are usually very quiet, and reserved, yet they are loyal and trustworthy.
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What
is your Misfit Talent? |
Heather always finds the neat quizzes. Meli hasn't partaken of any lately and I'm just too lazy and pressed for time these days to find any.
Finally tracked Debbie down. It turns out that her answering machine and her portable phone are broken, so now the only time the phone gets answered is if her parents are home. I've found that I am more likely to track her down at work where they are obligated to answer the phone. I'm sure some of her co-workers think I'm a stalker, but at least we went out to dinner the other night. We were gonna go see "Insomia," but there was a massive lightening storm and I was heading into the city the next morning, so we decided to scrap that plan.
Hung out with Joe yesterday. And it was good. Very good. Aside from one unfortunate IM by Maria, ex-girlfriend 501(I would be #503...I think), I had a great time vegging out with him. He was cranky in the morning, which was understandable since the train got in at 7:45am. I would expound more on yesterday and the other things in my list from the previous entry except the brief vacation from the yelling is over. More yelling has commenced.
I leave you with this chilling fact: My brother passed his road test. In eight days, he will turn 17 and have his full license. Eeep.
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I speak.
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