( 5:46 PM ) K
Just drove all the way out to Clarke to pick up my brother, only to find that he decided to walk to Kelly's. The chaffeur should know these things, no? This summer is hot and sticky. Definitely not my favorite weather conditions. Okay, I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to talk about.
Things I wanted to Talk about
1. How I've not seen Debbie in a while and i miss her
2. The fact that Joe is going up to 'cuse in three weeks and I already miss him
3. I got paid today
4. Why I think the song "Not Pretty" appeals to me so much
5. I had the Chlorox bleach jingle stuck in my head today
6. My almost certain decision to switch from blogger to livejournal just for the feedback potential
7. The truth behind Sean and the "sigggghhh"
8. My eating habits
9. The fact that Joe came over yesterday and he cooked dinner for my family and I actually teared up when he left
10. My guilt over my lack of fanfiction writing
11. I have yet to see the Harry Potter DVD despite the fact that I work in a store that sells them
12. How my relationship with Joe affected my friendships with Kate and Sara
13. Joe.
However, I had to get up at 5:30 because I had to be at work at 7 this morning and I'm currently not very coherent. Plus my mom will be home soon and I think I'd like to play some computer blackjack before she kicks me off. I'm boring, aren't I?
#
( 2:34 PM ) K
Just a brief note to tell y'all my new song of the week. Check out this song by Kasey Chambers, "Not Pretty Enough." It's a little odd, but it's strangely compelling to me.
Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough
Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can
Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
#
( 1:18 PM ) K
Heading to work soon, just doing my nails now. I forgot to mention something yesterday. Joe let me drive the truck. Yes, I drove the vehicle that I need a boost into. And it was fun. He only chanted, "I'm gonna die," a little in the beginning and then he calmed down. fun, fun, fun! That is all.
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( 7:42 PM ) K
Quite an exciting couple of days. Relatively speaking. Worked on Friday. Enjoyed it muchly. Then I hopped on a train and went into the city where my boy met me with a rose. Excuse me while I blush. That's four flowers in as many days. *foolish grin* Saturday and Sunday were pretty uneventful, mostly me handing stuff to Joe as he fixed things in the new apartment. It was expected, but I was still largely bored. Poor Joe. I kept falling asleep on him. All that boredom catching up to me. Still, I'm glad I got the chance to spend time with him. And I got to paint and caulk, much to the amusement of my family when they found out.
On Monday, Joe drove me back to the Island and we went to see the "Spirit" movie before having a barbeque with my parents and Scott and his girlfriend. The morning was good, but I gradually became more and more pensive as the day went on. Joe bonds with my family by mocking me. Continually. Relentlessly. He waits for them to start it and then he dives in head first. Then Joe spent most of the early evening fiddling around with our new digital cable. Yes, my Dad decided to subscribe and now we have 100+ channels. Mom then decided we also needed a new tv. Hmm. Ya. Anyways, the new tv has a picture in picture option, but they can't get a different channel in the picture in picture. Joe thought he knew what the problem was. So there was moving of the tv, fiddling around with different wires and the end result is that we still can't get two different channels with the picture in picture, but we can play a movie and watch tv at the same time.
Today I bought the new Nora Roberts book and three new pairs of sneakers. All on sale, of course. Joe's lent me his old bookcase 'til he gets his own place next year, so I made the executive decision to free my books today. Two suitcases, three boxes (one really little) and one bag. And I think some are missing. So after I finish this entry, I'm going to get my laptop and check the books against my database. There's one title in particular I want to read, but I can't find it. I know I own it, but I can't find the book. Grrr... There might be another box in the garage. I couldn't reach it.
Tomorrow, I'm working from 4-12am. Then on Thursday, it looks like I'm heading into the city again to hang with Joe for the day. Friday, a 7-3 shift. Working the weekend, too. *sigh* Stuff bubbling in my head. Gonna go mess around now. Later all. Miss you all muchly.
#
( 11:49 AM ) K
I love my job. Let me demonstrate how much I like this job. I woke up this morning, a bit late, since I'm not scheduled to be on today. I'm lying in my bed, the sheets hanging off the bed (since I'm such a restless sleeper, I invariably wake up on the bare mattress) and I thought about all the things that had to get done today. Then, I swear to you, I thought, "I wish I was working today." Some of my co-workers asked me to eat lunch with them and I said sure, even though I brownbagged it. It's a wonderful environment and I feel so comfortable in it. I've already started harrassing Sean, the head stock guy. *sigggghhh*
It's our anniversary today. Me and Joe. Eight months. Broke up four times during those eight months and then just always got back together. It's ironic in a way, our anniversary, I mean. Since we decided to have an anniversary (though, surprisingly, he was the one who told me to pick a date), we have yet to spend it together. Well, we did spend a couple of hours together one time, but it was right after the Big Fight and most of those hours I helped him move the File Cabinet of Hell. As far as I can remember, this is the first time that he's actually expressing regret we're not together today. It's confuzzling. I dunno. Joe's been making such an effort to be sweet and attentive lately. And I appreciate it and everything, but goodness, it's a little odd. I'm not used to it.
Did you guys see Buffy on Tuesday? OOOOOHhh. I loved it. I taped it. It will go down in history as my favoritest season finale ever. Xander and Willow possibilities, the surprise with Spike (so did not see it coming), Buffy's revelation re Dawn, the closeness between Anya & Giles, it was wonderful. I was a little disappointed with Angel's season finale. With Cordelia's going up and Angel going down, I found it a bit trite and cliched. I liked Vincent whathisname, the guy who played Connor/Steven. I wanted to see more of him. I'll be looking forward to seeing how Joss resolves all this. Plus he has a new show coming out for Fox, "Firefly." I'm a little skeptical. We shall see.
Okay, much to do, people to see. I need to obtain food for myself, but I'm just not hungry anymore. I haven't had any cravings for anything. I dunno. I'll find something before I head off on my errands. Miss you all .
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( 7:26 PM ) K
For the last twenty minutes, I've sat here clutching three lovely roses, surfing the net with one hand. Joe drove from the City, came to my house, stuck the flowers in my door and then drove back to the City. Because of traffic, it took him three hours. It was funny, because originally, we all thought the flowers from Kelly to Scott. I had a slight suspicion that this might not be the case, but Daddy said there was no card. I called Joe and there was in fact a card, near the bottom of the bouqet. He wanted to wish me luck on my first day at work.
Yes, I got the job at Borders. I am now a bookseller. It sounds like the job will be very challenging, flexible yet structured, all perfect for me. Plus 33% discount on books and first crack at what comes out. The only slightly odd thing is that I'm now "Kay." There was already a Kristen and a Chris so I said, well, people also call me "K." The training supervisor decided it would look nicer if they spelled out the letter. *shrugs* I'll get used to it. I'm getting paid more than at Loews, but the suckyish thing is that apparently most of my shifts will take place at 7am in the morning. Bleah.
Well, I'm working 21 hours this week (not counting breaks) and then after my shift on Friday, I'm driving right over to the train station to spend the weekend with Joe. Then I'm off on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and working the rest of the week for a total of 32 hours. I'm likely going to be exhausted, but it'll be money coming in and I want to look good so I can get a shot at a full-time position and maybe even a promotion. I'm lucky to have gotten this. I actually interviewed yesterday and the manager liked me so much she hired me on the spot. Today I saw that she has a stack of applications for basically two positions. Definitely counting my lucky stars here.
Okay, it's Buffy's season finale tonight and I have to get these roses in water. I want them to last a long time. *foolishly grins* My, it's been such a good day.
#
( 2:35 PM ) K
I've barely had any time to do anything computer related and honestly, aside from a brief pang over the fanfiction, I don't miss it much. I've started writing in my real, hard copy, journal again so I have that when I have late night emotional issues I must resolve. But I don't want to abandon this thing completely since I have a feeling that this is likely to be how most people keep in touch with me. After I finish here, it's off to the DMV for my Dad, the library for my brother, and then to pack/unpacking for me. As I unpack the stuff I'll need for the summer, I have to pack up the stuff in my room for Florida. I have a lot of things. Mostly collectibles that must all go some place, but there is nowhere really for them to go. To quote Kate: O_o I dunno what I'm going to do with all of this.
Nothing really big has been happening in Kristinland. Getting alone with the parents okayish, because it's only for another five months and then I'm leaving! *does little chair dance of joy* Plus we have the three cars now so it's easier for me to have wheels. Buuttt only another couple weeks and then Scott gets his license. Scary. Saw "Attack of the Clones" yesterday. Wasn't thrilledish. It was definitely better than "Phantom Menance," but everything Hayden started whining about something, I just wanted to whack him, most powerful Jedi or not. Also, I dropped off my application to Borders yesterday. Gonna call tomorrow to follow up. Please, oh, please, I want this badly. Gonna do things the right way this time, learn from my mistakes at Loews. Plus, not only is there likely to be a discount, they don't have to wear uniforms. YAY!
Joe also came over last night. Just for like two hours. They needed bubblewrap for the packing process and so he said he was going to drive out here to get it. Mostly he only came out here to see me. *blush* I dunno. Things between us always go more smoothly when he's here. Trouble is, he's only going to be here for another month. Then he's going back up to Syracuse. I've decided that I'm just going to keep an open mind and wait and see what happens. If it was meant to be, it'll happen. Gotta go now. I'll try to post more later.
#
( 4:39 PM ) K
So it's official now. Mostly. I'm all graduated. As I moved my tassal from the right to the left, I thought, "I just graduated. Holy shit." Yes, it's a bit overwhelming, but for the most part, I'm feeling pretty good. Florida looks like a go, and while I'll miss my friends, I'm looking forward to the next adventure in my life. I picked up an application for Borders and I'll drop it off tomorrow. I should get the job as they're hiring. Cross your fingers. Well, Joe's over so I must go, but I just wanted to briefly update and let everyone know that I'm home safe and sane. Later.
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( 2:54 AM ) K
Here are the songs of the week! There are two, because they're both rather short. Both of them were sung by Majandra Delfino on "Roswell." I have the MP3s if anyone wants to listen to the actual songs.
"Behavior"
(aka "Bring Me Back")
You're like an angel with the sweetest smile,
But when you use it you're one evil child.
Oh-ohhh, that's what brings me back again.
We get along, but only half the time.
The other half you ain't no friend of mine.
No-ohhh, that's what brings me back again.
I love you on your best behavior.
I love you more when you are doing something wrong.
But that's what's wrong with me.
You said you ached yesterday,
And now you're telling me I can't stay.
It's all your crazy, messed up ways that bring me back.
That bring me back...
That bring me back...
You bring me back.
"Alone"
Breathe again.
I'm living on your air tonight,
Never knowing when you'll cut it off.
Oh you have a way
That makes it hard to sleep alone.
Just when the dream gets good
You always seem to have to go.
So here I am, alone again,
Waiting for the story to finally end.
While the world spins around,
It's out of my hands;
Don't even try to understand.
And I guess it's time to tell you
What you should already know.
Oh, you know, I'm better breathing on my own,
All alone.
#
( 1:07 AM ) K
On May 2nd, I posted an entry about what I'd always wanted in a guy and how Joe pretty much embodied all those qualities. Well, I still want all those things, but I have a new request. If there's ever anybody else, I want him to fight for me. I want him to not let me walk away unless it's what I really want. But what I really want right now, and I'd even go through the whole surgery again, is I want it to be December again. I wouldn't want to relive any of the rest of the year, but I would give almost anything to have that single month one more time. Just so I could feel the way I felt then. One last time. Wishes don't come true unless we make them come true and there's no way I can get those feelings back. So it's time for me to be an adult now. When you've tried everything you can, explored every possible option and you still can't make it work or change, well, then there's nothing left to do but give up. I'm not ready to give up quite yet, but soon. Soon. I know I can't go back, but I don't want to move forward yet. Soon, though, I'm going to have to.
#
( 10:24 PM ) K
So here I am, sitting here alone at 9:20pm, all dressed up and starving. Tonight was supposed to be the night where the four of us would go out for what was likely to be the last time in a very long time, or perhaps, ever. At 7:30, I am all ready to go and I start trying to find people. Sara is not in her room. Nobody's talked to her in hours. Kate's parents and her teacher chose tonight to discuss their concerns about her academic future. Joe is ready to go, but says he came home early from scuba because he knew I wanted this badly and he doesn't know what I expect him to do. At 8pm, Sara shows up and after I tell her that the dinner is off because Kate couldn't go and we were supposed to leave a half hour ago, she marches off, saying she doesn't accept that and she's going to make it happen. I start to feel better. At 8:30pm, The Simpsons are over and I'm growing even more hungry. So I go knock on Sara's door, hoping she's going to tell me everything is worked out. What she tells me is that she wants to take me out for ice cream since Kate is still dealing with parent stuff and Joe apparently is now covering for another RA at the main desk. So the three of them have decided we will go out tomorrow night.
I thank Sara for the ice cream offer, she gets distracted by Chad and so I head over to Kimmel to scrounge up some dinner. There is no chicken salad and no honey BBQ chicken wings. Pasta is stopped being served at 8. Therefore, I end up with some fries. I am thinking about Sara's ice cream offer and start debating whether she meant Kimmel or Friendly's. Prior to this, Sara has decided she will not drive the Saturn anymore until it is checked out again as the "Service Engine" light is on, which is odd because the car just went in the shop. So I think about asking her to give me a lift to McDonald's so I can get some real food. I run into an old acquaintice from freshman year and I stand outside with him, eating my french fries and flirting with him. Geoffrey is also graduating early and his twin actually managed to graduate last semester. The boys are extremely smart and rather sensitive as well. I met them through a English class. They write. Geoffrey says he's not going to any of the graduation ceremonies and so that was probably the last I'll see of him ever. Too bad.
Geoffrey's ride finally comes and I head back inside, in a much better mood. Sara confirms that she is still not driving the Saturn, which means I am unable to obtain food unless I order from Dominos, but I really don't want pizza. I show Sara what I bought today (new dress, new skirt w/ top, all black) and now here I am.
Now I'm in an even worse mood because I'm on the phone with my dad. He just hung up on me. Excuse me while I start crying again. And after I spent so much time on my make-up too. Now I'm on the phone with Kate. She's telling me about her shit. Now I'm ranting about things in general and she's paralleling it to her own stuff. Ironically, it's making me more pissed off. I feel like I'm wronged here. I'm the injured party. I didn't ask anybody to come to commencement or the convocation. I don't expect anyone to make the trek for my graduation party. I just asked for one fucking night. A few hours where we could just eat dinner and talk and stuff. Hang out. Why couldn't I just get one night?
Tomorrow's probably going to be shitty because my goals for the day are to a) pick up my cap & gown, b) finish the WRT 431 website, and c) finish the copy for the Hall of Languages section. Joe has a final. Sara has two papers due and a final. Kate has a jury on Tuesday, which she says she's not going to do because she feels unprepared. Nobody is going to be either awake or stress-free tomorrow night. Nobody's going to be carefree or sentimental, they're all going to be thinking about the shitload of work they have.
Now I'm talking to Joe on IM. I'm not happy with him because I had thought at least he and I could go out, when I found out from Sara about his enforced desk time. He's a RA, I understand sometimes he gets stuck with shit. But why the hell didn't he call me and tell me? He knew I was upset, he knew I suggested he and I go out instead. I was practically crying on the phone with him. What I wanted him to do was to get righteously angry on my behalf, drive over here and give me a hug. I kept waiting for him to show up and sweep me away. Apparently I would have been waiting for a while. Now he's asking if I have finals. So I tell him, as I have told him the last three times he's asked me that question: no. no finals. at all. Then he says what he always says. Oh, that's right. I forgot.
Can I just say that this has been the most damaging couple of months to my self-esteem? There's not even anyone to really blame. Could Kate, Sara, and Joe maybe have put in a little more effort into pulling this off? Maybe, but I wasn't exactly out there coordinating things either. Could Joe maybe face up to it and admit that he's involved with me and that he cares what happens to me? Possibly, if it wasn't for the last seven months of emotional scarring (besides us). Do I feel like a pathetic loser who continually makes excuses for people treating her shittily because she is terrified of being alone? Definitely, but that's my problem. Currently, I feel like if I disappeared off the face of the planet, nothing would be affected at all. Oh yes, everyone would be very worried and very sad and look for me and stuff, but eventually their lives would move on. Now I feel like a spoiled little brat demanding attention.
I guess in a way I feel cheated. I feel like I struggled so hard to keep this group together, so hard to stay friends with them. Things could have gotten messy and imploded at so many different times. I hung on though, because they were mine and I worried about them and cared about them. So what if Sara and Joe made fun of me because I knew everybody's schedule? I took the time to listen, to ask questions, to learn about them because they were important to me. I know what Sara used to want to be, what it was like for her in high school, her siblings, her parents, her cats and the fact that she prefers green apples. I almost know just about every single thing (including his final schedule) about Joe--what he hasn't told me, his mom has. I know what Kate wants in a relationship beyond what she actually says, what she's afraid of, the reasons she doesn't get along with her family and I know she scents her sheets after she makes her bed.
I've known Sara for three years, Kate for two, and Joe for nearly one year now. I feel like I've known them all for so much longer than that. All I wanted was one night to say goodbye.
#
( 3:52 AM ) K
Was reading Heather's journal and I came across these quizzes. So I took em. Here are the results:
Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
You are a Queen!
Beautiful, Wise, Strong
Righteous, Commanding, Humble
You are the beautiful and compassionate Queen. You are the epitomy of what every woman should be. You are confident, bold, aggressive, smart, womanly and feminine. You know the right thing to do and do it. You command respect and earn praise. You are moral and loving. In times of trouble, you draw strength from within, and are a source of strength for others.
Oh, I like that one. And next we have this one:
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
[Angel.]
Eh. I suppose it's true. I'm not quite power-hungry, but I do like to be in charge in RPing. Generally because I think I'm the only one who can tell a story properly. Then this one:
Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
It seems like a cop-out, but I read the other answers and I really do fit them all. This next one I found in the journal of the person who created both of the above women quizzes.
You are Artemis, the goddess of the hunt and the moon. You personify the independent, achievement-oriented feminine spirit.
'Nother interesting one. Okay, I'm going to stop playing around now. It's getting late and I've accomplished jackshit today. Sheesh. I can't believe it's 3:50am. I don't know why I've developed the habit of staying up to practically sunset on Fridays. Probably because there's very little reason to get up early on a Saturday. Joe's got diving tomorrow, Sara's parents are coming over and I dunno what Kate's doing, but she probably won't be available until the afternoon anyway. I do need to go to the mall though. Maybe I'll catch the OnTrack Shuttle and do that tomorrow. Supposed to rain though. Oh well, we'll see. Night. Morning. Whatever.
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( 2:06 AM ) K
Once again I've been made to feel like shit. Like I'm somehow not good enough for Joe. Jay posted this:
"Well I have the idea in my head that I am glad I did not go to SU ... no hard feelings Joe, but some of your friends are way too out there for the likes of me. You know there is still a warm spot for you here dude :wink wink: you would get one hell of a welcome ... at least come down to our year end blow out party ... ill email you"
The "warm spot," the "hell of a welcome," it all refers to a girl this guy has been trying to set Joe up with, a girl Joe refers to as "blonde, chesty, and six feet, perfect for me." After having one (the first) IM conversation with me, this guy emails Joe this girl's picture. It was one of the most insulting things that I've ever had happen to me. However, after reading the above, I try not to freak out and I try to inject some levity into my reply. He's Joe friend and I want to like him, I really do. So I post:
"Hey, remember me? I'm not out there, I'm simply all that is sweetness and light. Joe enjoys my sweetness and light. It's probably why he keeps me around. Yup, I'm still here. Graduation's nine days away though. Geez, it seems like the year just started. What a memorable senior year this has been."
Okay, so maybe I was trying to subtly be like "hello, he's still involved with me." And also I wanted this guy to know that I still read his journal. This was the first time he's posted in a couple of weeks and I wanted him to know that I'd been checking for updates. If he wants to try to convince Joe to break up with me through email, well, there's nothing I can do about that, but don't do it when you know I'm going to be reading it. Then he writes back:
"Kristin I like you a lot, I must admit ... however if you think that you are all that is sweetness and light you are (as far as I am concerned) a bit out there as well. I don't personally think that is a claim anyone can make ... aside from that Joe tells me you hate the sunlight ... is it not a paradox to be all that is light and yet not be fond of light at all?
Anyway I did not mean out there in an odd and/or bad way ... I just meant I do not believe I would fit into the schema of things there ...
I hope you do not take this the wrong way but Joe is a big boy ... and my friend ... I can invite him to a party if I wish and he can attend if he wishes ... I also know that he is a very good natured and honnorable guy (at least from what I have seen) ... even if he does come why do you worry so much and why are you so protective? I am sure if what you say is true all he would do is come and have some drinks with friends. Do you not trust him?"
First of all, I have never ever told Joe not to do something with his friends. Have I bitched when he would rather hang out with Sara than with me when he and I had plans? Yes, but that was back in the fall semester and I have mellowed considerably. I have tried my damndest not to let my possessive tendencies take over. This whole fiasco with this darkshade/jade relationship, hell yeah, I hated it. Because, well, duh, Meli developed the foundation of feelings for him. I saw it coming way back when. Do I trust him? Yes, of course. Do I trust the girls who don't know he's serious about someone else because he doesn't say anything? Um, no. I don't think that makes me a horrible person. It makes me slightly paranoid, but it doesn't make me a monster. Ironically, Joe and I were talking about all this (jealousy) today after I let a comment slip by my "will set Joe off" radar. Admittedly, it may have been on purpose. Sometimes I ignore the common sense of the radar because I want some kind of reaction from him. But if Jay's posts keep mirroring the conversations Joe and I have, I'm just going to start thinking that Joe's running his posts through spellchecker and posting under an assumed name. Anyway, by now, I'm not a happy camper. I feel like there's something wrong with me and that this guy is judging something he hasn't even seen in person, which makes me wonder exactly what, if anything, Joe is telling him about me. So I write:
"What on earth are you talking about? How did you get from my humorous comments on my personality (which I frequently say) to a lecture on my treatment of Joe? And why were you two discussing my distaste of light? This whole thing is rather odd to me, especially considering what Joe and I were talking about today. Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps you wouldn't fit in with us. Yet I wonder if it has less to do with our eccentrities and more to do with your own personality quirks. Who knows? We here at SU do tend to be tolerant. Hope the rest of finals go well for you."
I like to think that I'm good at being insulting without actually being insulting. I can't help it. I just hate people who judge me without knowing me. And after meeing Joe, I've had two such encounters in my life, both friends of his. I have to wonder about several things now. What does this say about me, that I'm so sure they're judging me? Am I judging them too quickly? What does this say about Joe, that these people are his friends? Does it have more to do with what Joe's been telling them rather than with their own personality? Do they sincerely think that I'm a bitch to him, in the same way it's been said that he's an asshole to me? And why can't he just say the words? Is there something wrong with me that he can't admit publically that he's with me? In the back of my mind, I've always wondered if maybe he was ashamed of me. Because of my weight and how I look. There was an incident once that sorta seemed to indicate that he didn't want to be seen with me, but in the end, I chose to interpret it as him trying to protect me. Now, though, I have to wonder again.
This is really starting to bug me now. Again, I suppose I should say. I want the public commitment, but the last time I broached the topic, the Big Fight occurred. This is always going to be a sticky point for us and frankly, I don't know if I would be able to handle a long distance relationship if he couldn't make that commitment. He's such a wonderful and great guy and this blonde girl Jay has been trying to set him up with has apparently been asking after Joe for months. If she knew he had a girlfriend, she would likely turn her attentions elsewhere. If she didn't, well, then she'd have no honor and I don't think he'd want her.
I don't know what to do. More and more lately, I've been feeling like he's with me because there's no one else around he wants for the moment. He tried with Sara, he tried with Kate, and he scored with me. Hell, I suppose I pushed at him until he gave in. Ironically, it's been all girls who say he's not good enough for me and it's been a mixed group who can see him with someone else. Do they know something we don't?
Frankly, I don't think he'll ever be able to admit I'm his girlfriend for whatever his reasons. So, once again, the decision's mine. Where do I draw the line in the sand? *sigh* Truth, I already know what's going to happen, but I'll continue to ignore it for now, just keep complaining when someone makes me feel awful because they have someone better in mind for Joe. There are only eight days left and I am going to be selfish. I want those eight days. The end will come soon enough.
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( 2:04 AM ) K
The first guy I was in love with has this for an away message: "sleeping in w/ my favorite person to sleep in with..." He's been dating his girl since "1-28-01" and he has this message for her in his profile: "I LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!" It's been up since at least last August. Now that's romantic.
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( 11:03 PM ) K
I just remembered I have chocolate chip cookies! Woo hoo! I was craving something chocolatey. I'm having a really good hair night. Naturally, I'm sitting here watching "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" and eating cookies. By myself. Which is cool. I just wish there was someone to see my hair. :p I'm so vain.
Hung out with Joe today. We nailed down the trailer and my boy got it for me nearly half price off. *beams* I was so proud of him. My mom was singularly unappreciative. When I said I was going to put her on the phone with him so that she could thank him, she said if I did it, she was going to ask him what his intentions are towards me. Until she can say, "This is Joe, Kristin's boyfriend," she is going to continually have a problem with us. Drives me crazy and then I start wondering why he can't just say I'm his girlfriend, which drives him crazy. And the fact that he refuses to use the simple word drives me even more crazy, which as you can see, prompts the continuance of the vicious cycle.
Joe took me to Barnes and Nobles, so I gots new books to read. But y'know what I really want to do? I want to put on my slinky brown velvet shirt, my pleather pants and I want to go dancing. Make myself all pretty-like. *sigh* Another little dream I probably wouldn't enjoy as much if it actually happened. I'm just going to watch TNG, eat my cookies and write my fanfic. Up to 48 feedbacks. Cool. Later all. K with the fantastic hair, signing off.
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( 3:08 AM ) K
Hung out with Kate, which always cheers me up. We played my Buffy board game (someone finally played with me!!) and watched "Prophecy Girl." Kate was thoroughly bored during the gameplay (I liked it, we needed more people though), but we had a grand old time setting it up. You should have seen us cursing at these clip things. She talked about Melkor, I talked about Joe. We've decided that Joe isn't actually a nice guy, but more of a bad boy, which made me feel better because that means I'm now "hot." At one point I said, in reference to Joe, "He's an ass, but he's my ass." Sometimes it just boggles the mind that I haven't drop kicked his ass into next Tuesday yet, but I know he often feels the same way about me. That's amor for you.
C+ in NHM 115, B in ENG 617. Still waiting on the rest. Note to self: write Jeanette's reference letter. Got my copy of Intertext today. My name, all shiny and glossy in print. It's pretty good in comparision to the other essays. I didn't win the upper level award, but then I didn't really expect to. My piece was mostly fluff, which made it easier to read than the others. Lots of wry humor as it is called. I'm published now. *beams* Wait 'til I show the family.
Applied for six more jobs. It's unlikely that I'll hear from anyone, but I figured I'd just put my resume out there and if it was to happen, it would happen. Haven't heard anything yet, but I'm waiting for the Florida rug to be yanked out from underneath me. I've decided to give up dreaming about having my own place and some measure of freedom. Instead, I'm resigning myself to my cage. It's a lot less stressful if you give up your dreams. For example:
Things That I Wanted to Do Before Leaving Syracuse That I Won't Get to Do
Go to the Zoo
Go the Everson Museum
Go clubbing
Go beyond buzzed and actually plummet into drunkeness
Go on a trip with my friends beyond city limits
Go apple picking
Go to the known Syracuse resteraunts
Go to the Fair at the Fairgrounds
Explore Armory Square
Go to Thorden Park
Go to a strip club
Okay, so the last was Georgette's idea that I just took a shine to. It was after Joe and I broke up the last time and she was trying to cheer me up. Georgette's nifty and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to know her better. Okay, I'm tired now. Have to get up earlyish since Joe has declared that he's only making one trip tomorrow so since I have to go to the U-Haul and Kate has to get her dress altered, we have to make a combo trip. I just know it's not going to work out right, which will make him cranky and Kate will get cranky as well. When we made the inital plans, everybody forgot Joe would be on call tonight, so the assumption was made that we'd go around dinner time. Which obviously will not work out now. I'll figure something out.
I have been trying for the last two, three days now to get Joe to hang out with me. Yesterday I left it totally up to him and I therefore did not hear from him at all until I IMed him around 9pm. He did invite me to crash at his place two nights ago, but the dream cycle is over for now so I told him it was late and I didn't feel like walking all the way over there. It was around 1am when the invite was issued. I don't want to just crash at his place. I want to do actual things with him. Take a walk on campus. Curl up and watch a movie. Me writing my fanfic on a legal pad while he works on the computer. Okay, so we rarely do the same thing simintaneously. To be perfectly blunt about it, I want attention. His full, focused totally on me, attention. I want to feel special, dammit. I guess it goes back to what I said before. I want a little romance.
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( 9:58 PM ) K
Y'know, all those years, I knew exactly what I wanted in a guy. Stubborn, intelligent, a sense of humor, kind and most importantly, I wanted someone who'd fight with me. Somebody who'd challenge me, keep me on my toes. Somebody who would argue with me. I also wanted someone who would make me feel safe. Someone who I could trust and rely on.
I was looking for all that. And I found it in Joe. However, now I've become aware of something I'm missing. Romance. Wooing. Courting. Call it whatever you want, but the simple truth of the matter is I've been the aggressor for this entire dance. I'm the one who put the blasted idea of this whole thing in his head. And I'm glad I did it. I wouldn't trade the last seven months for anything. But now I'm tired of hearing how romantic Joe is with other people. I'm tired of hearing what a great couple he would be with someone else. I also hate hearing him talk about how the nice guys never get the "hot," the "good" girls. So what the hell does that make me?
What does that mean he thinks about me?
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( 1:44 AM ) K
Hanging out with Kate can get really confuzzling sometimes. She, Joe and I went to Friendly's to get ice cream, kinda to celebrate last day of classes. A lot of other students had the same idea. So Joe knew a bunch of people. He was off socializing and I made a sarcastic comment when he left. Then Kate picked up the conversation we'd been having before Joe left about Melkor. My attention was split between her and Joe, which meant I had to ask for clarification again: "Do you mean your 'he' or my 'he'?" She said hers and then I told her what Sara said to me once: "You know, everytime you say 'he,' you always sound like you're saying it with a capital 'H.'" What can I say? Only one boy for me.
I'm putting off going to sleep. I think I'm afraid to sleep. I feel more stable today than I did yesterday and I didn't go to bed last night. I have the Writing Center tomorrow and I don't think I'll be able to function with two days of no sleep. *sigh* Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish tonight. *looks over to the bed* Nope. Didn't come true. *siiiiiiiiigggghhh*
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I speak.
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