Still awake. I forgot to call Joe last night to say good night (which makes like 3 nights in a row I haven't done it) and I'm almost tempted to see if I can make it to 5:30 to call him then. Gorgeous full moon out. I've been watching it track across the sky. There are virtually no clouds out and I can see the moon so clearly. It's nights like this that I wished I lived in a more rural environment. I would love to go walking, no street lamps, just the moonlight illuminating the world around me. Of course, in my fantasy world, I'd be walking with someone. I have one or two others, of those little fantasties, where I'm in a place that I've always wanted to share with someone special and there's actually someone with me. I guess that's why I was so insistent on going to Florida. I've seen all of Joe's places. The big ones, anyway. With the exception of his high school. He's seen my high school, but he hasn't seen Florida. Well, he has been to Florida before, but he hasn't seen my little piece of it. Where I'll be living and all that.

I've spent most of the last hour or so looking for Wolf Lake fanfiction. The show itself largely sucks, but I'm intrigued by the sexual tension between the two teenagers. Luke's a werewolf and Sophia's a half-breed who's just starting "The Change." The show will be cancelled after the episode on Wednesday, but apparently Blockbuster will rent out the eppies. Doesn't really matter. Like I said, aside from that one relationship, the rest of the show is crap. I think I watch it just because the teens remind me of the way Roswell used to be during the first season. Before it was flushed. That show is also being cancelled. Barring any new shows, the only thing I'm going to be watching come the new season is Angel, Buffy and maaaybe South Park and Gilmore Girls. And Friends. That's it. Oh wait, Enterprise too. But that's really it. Everything else will be reruns. I used to have a show for every night of the week. Then either I grew up or the shows really started to suck, so now I'm down to a select few.

Well, no television will give me time to concentrate on my reading. Now that I'm moving downwards, I can rescue my books. And actually use them as God intended. The damp in the garage has probably ruined them. I still don't understand why my brother gets a drafting table, a computer table, and space for his game systems, but I can't have one lousy bookcase in the basement. I miss my books. There are books that I think of and remember fondly. I can practically feel the pages beneath my fingers and I itch to read them. The hostage-taking of my books is one of the things I will continually hold against my parents until I am able to work through the resentment of having my most used and valued possessions packed away.

Y'know what else I miss? Writing. I haven't written anything aside from one short experimental piece in months. No fanfic at all. I'm thinking, though, with the dearth of Wolf Lake fanfic out there, I might try my hand at delving into that world. I spent five bucks for a Fiction Journal that hasn't been updated since the 16th. Prolly shoulda waited for somebody to finally send me a code, but then Kate would have expected me to use it for a RPG journal or something. Honestly, I really don't want to RP anymore. Been there, done that. People never do what I want them to do. I remember this one time I set up this elaborate trap-like thing for the Sailor Scouts (yes it was a Sailor Moon RPG) and I was all happy because it would have been interesting to see how the characters dealt with it. And the friggin' person playing Queen Serenity went and used the Silver Crystal to "clean" the Palace. The Silver Crystal was not meant to clean the Palace. I was so pissed. All that work and she destroyed it in two minutes. It would have helped further develop the storyline. That's the other thing that gets me. No respect for the story. Everybody RPs just for the sake of being a character. Nobody ever has a backstory or actually thinks logically about their actions. No, they just go merrily along, fucking up the continuity and the Natural Laws. Somebody does something really stupid or illogical and the poor smart people are left to deal with it.

I really like my character though.The Huntress is fantastic. She's strong, independent, with just enough cynicism to make her interesting. Plus she had a crossbow. Joe commented once on the fact that I don't like guns, but I gave the Huntress a crossbow. I dunno how to explain it. She's the Huntress, not a warrior-woman. Her day job's a bounty hunter. She had a sidekick of sorts, a giant cat named Isis. And, oh, the backstory was lovely. A true work of art. I carefully considered the Sailor Moon mythology and created an unique character whose past somewhat aligned with that history. There were no contradictions, but a nice meshing of ideas. Y'know, the Huntress would probably make a kickass short story. Hmm...think think think. Now that's definitely something to consider. Maybe I should start writing in my Fic Journal again, draw up some plot outlines for the Huntress. I do miss writing for her.

Okay, that's it for me now. Been reading all night and I want to finish my book. I'll probably head to bed once it's finished. So don't expect to see me until late this afternoon. Probably around 1-2pm. I wanna hang out with Kate. She's been calling a lot lately and I feel bad that I've been so bitchy this week. So maybe I'll just grab my buffy dvds and go hang out on her floor. She's probably going to want to discuss her relationship with Melkor again. I'm not going to be much help because I've pretty much just been skimming the journals these days. Haven't really read the comments. All I know is that she's still pregnant with Melkor's baby and it's going to be a boy. And from what I gather from her increasingly frustrated comments, he hasn't been online much. So she's going to be depressed about that. Darkshade threw a tantrum of some sort and Jade's dead. But she came back. If she died, are they still married? Because if not, my promise not to interfere with their marriage is null and void and for the chance to show up with Darkshade's illegimate child...ooo. That would almost be worth the hassle of RPing. And I wouldn't have to read any more of those gag-worthy posts I hate so very, very much. Must remember to ask Joe. I'll be Tanya, the woman from his past. Maybe somebody he knew in the university or bodyguard school or whatever he calls it. Ooo. My muse is all peppy and ready to go. I'm gonna have to run it by Joe first because if he's going to be all pissy about it, I'm not going to bother.

But all that can wait until tomorrow. Right now it's bed preparation time. Knowing me, I'm going to settle down to read and just pass out again. Whatever. Just so long as I don't dream. #

Did you ever get that feeling that an end is coming, but you're just powerless to stop it? There's nothing you can do, nothing you can say to prevent it. No matter what happens, that end will appear and everything will change. Again.

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I crashed for a little bit during the day, but I never dream while napping. It's been three days since anyone's touched me. I had dinner with Joe tonight. At McDonalds. For forty minutes. Forty minutes is never enough time. If it hadn't been for the fact that I'm upset, I don't think I would've gotten that much time out of him.He loves diving so much. It makes him unbelievably happy and if it wasn't for that, I think I'd almost resent it.

I need him right now. I don't want to be alone right now. However, I know if I talk to any of my girl friends right now, we're going to end up talking about them. I'm being unbelivebly selfish, but I just can't deal with anyone else's misery right now. In my perfect fantasy world, he wouldn't have diving tomorrow at 5:30am, he would've pulled into the circle, told me to get my stuff. I would have read while he finished up his work. Then we'd pop in a movie and watched that until we fell asleep. I have simple little daydreams. *sigh* Real life sucks on occasion. #

      ( 2:41 AM ) K  

Okay, the evidence is stacking up that I'm sick or run-down. I was walking on campus today, going splish-splish, and then the world went whoosh and I went whoa and then I stopped going splish-splish. After a second or two, the world stopped going whoosh and then I could go splish-splish without going whoa. But it was close. I did almost go boom.

My self-diagnosis is that I need sleep. I'm actually pulling another semi-all nighter because I wasn't tired when I should've gone to sleep and now it's too late, so if I go to sleep, I might not wake up in time for my cooking class. And tomorrow's the final. So I must not be late. Oo. I just had a thought. I can actually be up a tad bit later, because since it's the final, I don't have to be there until 10:20. But I wanted to go to the computer lab tomorrow before class. So we'll aim for 8am rising. I need to shower as well before class. Okay, i'm going to go lay down now. But I swear, this weekend I'm finishing up studying, my WRT essay and the website. And sleeping. Lots and lots of sleep. Because I have been dreaming too. Dreaming is not sleeping. I go seepy now, as Joe would say. #

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Wednesday, April 24, 2002
      ( 10:45 PM ) K  

I just lost my appetite. I apparently am not meant to be silly at all, because everytime I take a halting step into that territory, I get slammed back into my familar world. So fine. I give up. I'll stick with my biting sarcasm and flippant wit, and leave the playful teasing to other people. Excuse me, I'm going to go nuke some chicken wings, put on my pjs and after I eat my chicken, I'm pulling the covers up over my head. Because the world outside of my covers is mean. #

      ( 10:29 PM ) K  

I'm in a mood. A very particular, specific mood. One which I will have to satisfy by eating chicken wings. Or chocolate. Probably chocolate. A rich, creamy, chocolate candy bar. I think I might go for Three Musketeers. Maaaybe two. It goes down so smooth. All that chocolately filling. Yum. I think I'll go down and satisfy my craving now. Later all. #

      ( 6:22 PM ) K  

I'm going to Florida. I made up my mind while I was eating dinner and reading my book. I've read the book many times before so I was also thinking about life in general as I read. The truth of the matter is that even if there was something to keep me here, if I stayed, I'd simply be putting my own life on hold. I wouldn't settle permanantly in Syracuse and there are no jobs here I'd really want to pursue. That would help me with my career/occupation, I mean.

If I go, I'll be alone. Aside from my grandparents, I won't know anyone down there. But, oh, I'll have my own kitchen and I'll be able to cook. Be able to grow my plants in the little enclosed porch. I'll get my books back, be able to unpack them and read them! And, best of all, they won't be able to force me to get more work done. I'll be out of the state, out of their literal reach and they won't make me get it done with different doctors. I'll never have to have surgery done again, unless I want it!

It'll take some getting used to. I've never been completely on my own before. But, God, I think I want this. It was killing me inside that I had to go back, and I was so afraid that if I went back, I'd never leave. I like who I am now, although I think I've been acting slightly bitchy lately, and I didn't want to become what I was in high school. Part of that is still in me, though. Joe shook me awake this morning (I was on the floor) and I found myself waking with one hand up in the air and my legs starting to swing around. You never really forget the lessons of the past. I may never really get over what happened to me.

Okay, I'm fading fast here. Well, I know what I want to do, but I don't think that's possible right now. So I'm going to go crash on the bed until Enterprise and Wolf Lake are on. oy... #

      ( 12:58 PM ) K  

I hate Macs. It ate my last post. I'm at the Writing Center, an hour free due to a no-show. Which is fine with me, because I'm rather lethargic today. Would have much rather stayed in bed this morning. Hung out with Joe yesterday, broke the chain. More on that when I can stop yawning. I think I might have a bug. I'm not actually feeling too hot. Stomach's all achy and I keep sneezing even though I took my Allegra and am currently sitting indoors away from all windows, none of which are open.

You know you're an 80s child when the crossword puzzle clue is "CBer's need" and you automatically think of the Care Bears and go to write "caring" as the response. #

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Tuesday, April 23, 2002
      ( 12:22 PM ) K  

Tired, oh so tired. Getting a lot done, tying up a bunch of loose ends, but oh the need for sleep. I'm thinking I might bail on Grad class tonight. But what I'll do is I'll be all sneaky-like about it. I'll finish up those stories and drop by the teacher's office after Folklore. I'll give her the stories to hand back to the people and tell her I'm not feeling well. I look like shit so I'm sure she won't have trouble believing me.

Something's up with Joe too. His away message reads "ugggh." Whether that was because he has 3 classes in a row today, starting at 8:30 and then a bunch of RA stuff in the afternoon, or because something else is bothering him, I dunno. But I shall find out, never fear. Naturally, though, he will probably choose to stonewall me today, when I am just too tired to properly nag him. My own fault though, my own fault. Plus given the date, I'm sure I will not see him at all today. I never see him on this date. Four straight months and not once have we been together on this date. He doesn't even know what this date is. Ay me. This is not what I pictured falling in love would be like, but I still wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

I was going to talk about my lapsed Catholichood, but I find my attention wandering again. Enough with this break and time to continue on with the tying up loose ends stuff. The good news is that once I finish these last few things, all I have to do is my laundry. And then tomorrow is another day with more loose ends that will need to be tied up. *sigh* The circle just keeps turning...on and on and on... #

      ( 5:46 AM ) K  

I really only have myself to blame for this. If I only took care of these things before they became issues, then I wouldn't be driving myself to the brink of exhaustion to take care of it now. Joe actually put his foot down earlier. He and Kate went to the comic book store and then to Wegmans. I kinda wanted to go, but Joe made the mistake of asking what I was doing. And because I never ever lie to him unless it's absolutely necessary, I told him. So then he said I wasn't allowed to come. It always amuses me when he tries to dictate to me. But, really, he does it very infrequently. So most of the time I just let him get away with it and besides, in instances like this, he's usually right. Y'know, something just occured to me. If Sara tried to pull what Joe did, I'd be seriously pissed. Yet when he does it, I'm amused. Hmmm...must ponder the reasoning behind this.

Grrrr....I hate it when this happens. I've finished what I need to, all I can do in my present frame of mind, but there's no way I can get some sleep now. It's 5:30 and my class is at 10 and I still have to shower. If I make the grave error of going to sleep now, I just know I will sleep through my alarm and miss the class which I really cannot do. Ooo, but y'know what else? I have no finals. I mean, I have two tests on the last day of classes and a practical for cooking, but that's it. Which is good. Because then I can pack, hang out with my friends and get this bloody, fuck-it-to-hell, Dickinson paper done. You wanna talk black marks and reasons to doubt my considerable intelligence, that damn paper is it.

Still mulling over the Florida option. Pretty sure I know what I'm going to do, but I'm being cautious because this makes me happy, so there has to be a hidden mine somewhere on the field. See, I've altered my thinking slightly over this last year. I now believe that it is possible to me to be happy, but there's always something to balance it out. I'm either happy or sad, and it all balances out in the end to content. So since I'm happy about the Florida moving, I'm waiting for the sad part to appear. I've a pretty good idea from where it'll be coming, which is probably why I'm avoiding engaging in any meaningful discussions about the future. Which probably plays a large part in why I let him put his foot down. *think think*

I've grown to hate Tuesdays. I'll have four classes tomorrow (only three of which I will attend). I did get twelve hours of sleep last night, might have been less except the damn telemarketers kept calling and waking me up, and I was also dreaming. There has actually been a noticeable dearth of corpses in my dreams these days, and reoccuring appearances of future-related themes. I usually wake up vaguely disquieted and with a desire to go back to sleep and see what happens next.

Okay, this is it for me. I'm having even more trouble typing now. I don't know if I'll be posting any more today, since I'm going probably be out of the room from 9:30 to 9:30. Oh joy. Kill me now. Please. #

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Monday, April 22, 2002
      ( 3:48 PM ) K  

Things to Do Before Tomorrow
1. Pay all bills and deal with all correspondence
2. WRT 431 WEBSITE
3. Laundry
4. Garbage
5. Wash brushes
6. Water plants
7. Put away paint stuff
8. Window suncatcher design
9. Email cooking instructor
10. Email link of website to class
11. Shower
12. Nails
13. Angel (tape)
14. Kimmel -- print out email, psych notes, psych questions #

      ( 3:12 PM ) K  

Been a bit since I last updated. Was busy and not sure what to say. Things have been happening. My current mood: a bit disgruntled, a little unhappy and overwhelmed. The reasons for this are as follows:

• A mere 20 days until graduation
  
• I've been craving food for the last two days
  
• My parents have now informed me that I can go to Florida for the year like I originally planned
  
• Everybody's been telling me I should go .Joe says he has no real opinion on the subject
  
• I was going to initiate a conversation with him on the subject of my being 6hrs away vs 20+, but there's really no point as I know what's he going to say and I don't actually want to hear the words again
  
• My gerbil actually died on Wednesday, but nobody had the time to call and tell me until Saturday
  
• My room's a mess
  
• I'm so lazy and if I just quit being lazy, all these little chores that I put off would be done and I wouldn't be dealing with a million of them at once
  
• Sara and I had a mini-fight because she made a comment I took offense to and reminded her of some of the stuff she said on 9-11, which she took offense to. But even though everything I said, she actually did say, I apologized first because her remark didn't deserve such a serious response. I overreacted because I hate it when she treats me like I'm this young kid who doesn't know what the "real world" is like
  
• I was thinking about May and the moving process and I just know it's going to be a pain in the ass

I stopped at ten as so not to blow your minds with my depressing vibes. Actually, I think I might be able to be productive today if everybody leaves me alone, but everytime I think people will leave me alone, somebody calls and wants to hang out. Kate already left a message on my machine and she just got back from Boston yesterday and I really should call her back. However, there is a huge pile of laundry on my bed that needs to be sorted and washed, and there are still more dirty clothes in the closet. I did have a ticket for Ben Stein tonight, but he came down with pneumonia, so it's been postponed to next Monday. Hopefully, by next Monday, I'll have the majority of this crap squared away.

The weather is dark and cold again. Looks like it might actually snow. I have mixed feelings. I would have preferred that the temperature drop to the 60-70s (and stay there), but with the sun out too. This is like a little bit of winter that got swept into the corner and is now creeping out again. Just two quick little notes. All of my knifes came and they're super neato. Especially that gun one that Joe found. Secondly, I managed to find an editing program that lets me cheat in my "Magic: The Gathering" computer game. So now I'm winning and I'm happy that I'm winning. I just wish everything else in my life wasn't a mess.... #

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Saturday, April 20, 2002
      ( 8:58 PM ) K  

Found my nail clippers. Yay. Finished painting all the stuff I started painting. Came out really good. Just got to seal it now and then wash all those brushes. I hate washing my brushes. But then I can finally clean upm y room. It's getting pretty damn embarassing, even for me. Plus something came in the mail today, which makes me yaying, and I think it will make Joe go "yay" too if he'd just call me back. But he's probably sleeping since he had diving today. Maybe out late with Erin. I actually don't think I want to really hang out, because I'm all paintsplattered, but I do want to see him. I was hoping he'd stop by when he dropped Erin off, but I guess that didn't happen. Oh whelp. Maybe tomorrow or Monday.

I bleed too much. I touch my face and my fingers come away bloody. It's getting ridiculous. I've noticed that the symptoms I had last year are reoccuring. Boo. Big boo. So far it's sporadic, but all I know is I ain't going back to that doctor, no way, no how. I already know what causes it. Stress. It's like my version of an ulcer.

While I'm sharing way too much information, let me just add the complaint that my butt hurts. I was painting for nearly five hours, sitting on my rear straight through. Didn't get up once. My neck is a little sore now too, from hunching over. *sigh* Joe would call me back, right? He doesn't call anyone else back, but he's usually pretty good at returning my calls. He's probably sleeping. *double sigh* I guess I'm just a little needy today. My last gerbil died. No more gerbils in the Smith household. And today is Scott's junior prom. I am so old. Old and useless. *siiiiiggggghhhh* #

      ( 12:12 AM ) K  

This has been such a gawdawful week. If I haven't been hearing that Joe would make a good couple with someone else, somebody's asking why I'm with him. I'm getting pretty damn frustrated with all the interference. Joe and I had such a wonderful time tonight. There were moments when I was sure I was dreaming. That kind of happiness is so rare in my life. Y'know, I don't know what's going to happen in the future, what's going to happen beyond May, but I'm not just going to let this end. If we're meant to end up with other people, well, if it happens, it happens. But for now, everybody stay the hell out of our relationship.

Joe found my missing block when he cleaned the car today. And I found my other slipper this morning. Now I just have to find my nail clippers and I'll be set. My plants are all frying in this heat. It's friggin' unbelievable. Give me 64 degree weather for the majority of the time. This 80+ crap is not needed. *sigh* Sorry. I'm just in a not so good mood. Joe and I are just so busy these days and we can only steal brief hours here and there. We're getting alone so much better, but now that we're getting along better, I want to spend more time with him. It's an eternal paradox.

Okay, got nothing more to say. #

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Wednesday, April 17, 2002
      ( 3:35 PM ) K  

My 3pm appt didn't show so I'm stalling before I go out into the furnace again. Gotta head over to CVS and pick up those pictures. Then I think I shall hide in my room, curtain closed, fan on, lights off and play some Magic until dinner. Then after dinner, I will put together my poster and do my paper. Then while watching Wolf Lake and whatever's interesting that's on at 8 since Enterprise is a repeat, I shall finish up my painting and perhaps seal the blocks. Yes, I did finish the blocks. There were 48 blocks. Four sides to each block that had to be colored in. That comes to 192 little crappy designs to color. Is it any wonder I kept putting off the damn things? Well, I brought them with me and colored in between sessions, much to the amusement of the older consultants, one of whom actually said to me, "Oh, you're coloring in your little blocks?" She meant in a curious way, but she came off so incredibly patronizing, I wanted to chuck the thing at her head. I didn't naturally because I'm such a peace-loving soul. *rolls eyes* Okay, it's 3:33 and I'm techinically off-duty and the sun's not going to go down, no matter how long I sit here typing inanties. I hope one of my new books arrive today. Preferably "gates of sleep." Hasta la visita. #

      ( 10:58 AM ) K  

I'd forgotten how much I like Magic. It's probably going to become my new obsession. Today was definitely a Savage Garden day, but Sara borrowed my headphones at like 11 last night and so I didn't get them back yet. Just wanted to pop in and update because I'm not going to have a chance until I get home. All of my hours are booked today. Six or seven different appointments. Eek. I'm going to be drained and cranky when I get home. Possibly invigorated. I dunno. I have to swing by the CVS on my way home, pick up the pictures I dropped off this morning, and buy some posterboard. I tried to drop them off yesterday after hanging out with Joe, but all the film has to be into CVS by 2pm for next day developing. Which completely bites.

Augh! I don't feel like helping people with their papers today. Still a little queasy from last night. I've come to a new decision though. I'm going to start making improvements in my life by setting goals for myself. I already have to-do lists, but I'm talking actual goals. For example, I'm still only eating one bagel a day, but for breakfast this morning, I had a donut and hash browns. Not very good either. So my new goal is to only eat one potato thingie a day. *sigh* Very sleepy. On Saturday, I'm unplugging my alarm clock and just sleeping.

I need a cold shower. It's boiling hot again and I'm all sweaty. Ick. Not feeling very witty right now. perhaps more tonight. #

      ( 1:50 AM ) K  

Well, I was all set to do a nice long entry, but now I'm too perturbed to do so. Within the space of a single hour, I talked to Debbie about the guy she likes but refuses to actually tell him that she likes him, had a slight panic moment over Joe, got into an argument with Kate, annnnd conversed with John about his long distance relationship. Right after all that, I found an email from my mother. One hour. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. I'm too overwhelmed now to talk about myself. I'm going to go play some Magic and then plug in my fan and try to sleep. Sleep does not come easily to the perturbed. #

      ( 12:45 AM ) K  

I am writing this entry for the sole purpose of making a public statement. This person is NOT Joe. This guy is a very nice architecture student over at Cornell who can actually spell. While there is actual, verifiable, proof that they are two different people, Joe says it's not him and I believe him on the basis of his word alone. So all those of you who still have doubts, keep them to yourselves and leave him alone. Thank you.
#

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Monday, April 15, 2002
      ( 6:47 PM ) K  

Just a note to say that I had to delete a post from 4-11-02. It was just some quiz responses. It was messing up my code and for some reason, I couldn't get in to edit it properly. So that's gone. No biggie for y'all, I'm sure. #

      ( 6:39 PM ) K  

Okay, now I'm feeling even more crappy than I was before. I mentioned the Meli/Joe incident to Kate to see what she knew. She learned about it from me writing in here. So I said, okay, that's fine. Don't really want to talk about it then. We ran into Danielle in the dining hall and she sat with us, so we didn't really talk. Kate brought it back up on the way to the elevators. I said it didn't really matter because they wouldn't be a good couple anyway and Kate looked at me, with that weird knowing look in her eyes, and said "I don't know about that." Then I brought up the four year age difference and Kate said that age didn't really matter. Well, it does when Joe occasionally has a problem with the fact that I'm almost two years younger. Meli's extremely mature for her age, but she's not even 18 yet. Now I'm all defensive and upset and I called him to try to reassure myself, but I woke him up accidentally and he was all grumpy and now I just want to cry. Now I am tearing up. This is just not bloody fair. I know exactly how he feels about her, he's told me several times and I know he cares about me, but I can't stop bringing the image up in my mind and wondering if he should be with someone else, especially in light what happened the other night. He's such a great, fantastic guy and I don't want to lose him, but I am going to lose him because I want forever and he doesn't. He'll find his forever with someone else and dammit, now I am crying. God, this is just not fair. All I wanted was to enjoy the time I had left with him. Less than thirty days until I leave and I just wanted to be reasonably content each day with the way things are going. Now I'm depressed because my head (he loves me, there's no one else he wants to be with) and my insecurities (he's ashamed of me, maybe he should be with someone else) are battling it out and in the midst of it all is still the rock hard fact that once he's back up here and I'm stuck at home, our relationship is likely going to be over. And I'm just realizing, as I write all this, that somewhere along the line, I started thinking of us in a forever way again. Excuse me while I go watch my castles crumble. #

      ( 5:47 PM ) K  

Well, I answered the phone and now I'm going down to dinner with Kate. At least this will give me the excuse to take the pictures for the yearbook. Okay, that's it. I'm going to start screening my calls. Now my mom's on the phone. Joe's on desk duty and can't do Angel tonight, but he says we're okay. Kate's already made some attempts at ferreting out the identity of the poster and she has a list of people who claim it's not them. I still have my suspicions and will continue to monitor things verrry closely. Must go to dinner now. Kate called. Apparently I'm late. #

      ( 5:32 PM ) K  

I have that twisting feeling in my stomach that generally means confrontation of some sort is coming. Some event is going to happen and I'm not going to like it. Not at all. My prophecy? Unpleasantness will ensue from the posts re Joe & I from last night. Meli's already posted that she's upset about something that she won't talk about and I'm afraid that I've inadvertantly pissed her off. Plus there's a new poster on livejournal and if the poster is who I think it is, the poster better pick a new gimmick because otherwise Nelys is going to get even more freaked out than she already if she reaches the conclusion I've reached. Nelys is going to be taken aback period if the poster is someone she knows. I do have my doubts whether or not I'm correct in my guess, but I definitely know who knows. I would like to remind the poster should the poster be reading this (and they likely are) that as far as Nelys is concerned, Nelys is Kate, so hitting on Nelys means you are also hitting on Kate. The "only fiction" defense will not work.

Ah, yes, unpleasantness is in the air. "And I can feel it/ Coming in the air tonight" Well, I'm hungry now. Quick things: chives and dahilas both have one little seedling poking through the soil. Two, there's a new "Angel" tonight. Oooo... I'm sure I will need to procrastinate later, so look for another entry. #

      ( 4:56 PM ) K  

Miscellaneous stuff first, before the entry. I took another quiz that Abby found, The Disney Princesses Personality Test. Once again, I'm consistent as the quiz said: You are most like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Gee. Third time I've taken a quiz like this, third time I've gotten Belle. I yam who I yam.

Just about ready to take the Michelle Branch cd out of the player. Next mood? Well, I'm starting to feel in a Barenaked Ladies mood. So the song of the week is....One Week.

"One Week"

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it's so dangerous,
you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air
and said "You're crazy"
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault
not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry

Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides
and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame,
but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie

#

      ( 1:03 AM ) K  

Meli, in her journal, posted this: "But it may be that Joe and I will happen, sometime later when the time is right. It's not right for me, and I know it's not right for him. But we could be very happy someday in the future. Maybe."

My reaction to this surprised me a bit. Meli and Joe wouldn't work as a couple. That was an instinctual thought and I actually didn't feel threatened at all. I know Joe and I know Meli and I know their personalities wouldn't mesh right. At the very least, it's my belief that I know Joe the best out of our little group, and I just can't see him working with Meli. No, the entry bothered me because it was a very sudden, very unexpected, reminder that Joe and I likely don't have a future together.

I have plenty of castles in the air, regarding Joe and I, lots of little dreams that probably will never happen. Sometimes I feel like the only reason our relationship will come to an end is because I'm graduating. We have problems, yes, but we do work well together now, when the timing is all screwed up. What would it be like if we both wanted the same things? I guess I'm afraid that we- I - am going to let things end because I feel, oh, that's the "smart" thing to do. But what if it ends and down the road, I realize that this was it for me, the one man stayed in my heart? On the flip side, what if I'm staying in this relationship, making excuses, because I'm afraid of being alone? Maybe there is the right girl for him, someone pretty, skinny, and normal, walking around, waiting, and I'm being selfish by keeping him.

Grrrr...See, this is why the entry bothered me. It's almost one am, but now I'm going to be wrestling with existential thoughts about being in a relationship with a guy who hasn't said he loves me in weeks, but who can read my mind, who can order for me at McDonalds and makes such a big effort to share something he loves with me.

I'm going to end this now, because I really do need to get to bed and because I know it embarrasses Joe when I publically discuss our dance and/or state for the record that I love him. Sorry, Meli. You'll just have to wait your turn. :P
#

---

Sunday, April 14, 2002
      ( 11:40 PM ) K  

Things to Do
1. Laundry!
2. Nails
3. Wood crafts: Blocks, Block box, Sea box, Table
4. WRT 431 Website
5. Yearbook Film
6. Wash Dishes

#

      ( 11:25 PM ) K  

Y'know, I've definitely changed. I used to be focused totally on my friends and their problems. Kate's going through a hard time and last year, I'd be down there right now, talking to her about life. Now, however, I'm just chilling, trying to stay awake, and then heading to bed. I asked Joe recently if he thought I've changed at all since he's met me. He said no. But, y'know, I think I've been concentrating on my own life a lot more since he and I've started our dance. Hmm...must add that to the list of things to ponder. #

      ( 9:40 PM ) K  

Well, the fire trucks apparently got tired of visiting Greek Row. 2:30am last night, the fire alarm in Brewster went off. I was staying over at Joe's because I went with him to the lake today, since we had to be up at 5:30am. I missed every single fire alarm here in Haven; I go back to BB and whamm! *sigh* Not much sleep happened.

I had a really good day with him today. Something happened the other night that I'm still struggling to come to terms with, but today was excellent. I've never been to the lake before and it was gorgeous. We got there half an hour before everyone else and the morning fog was still on the water, and the surface was completely calm. You could see below the water a couple of feet from the shore. The sky remained mostly overcast, but the sun came out and warmed the air up. Gorgeous, gorgeous day.

It was lovely spending the time with Joe. Didn't talk to him much because he was working, but I enjoyed the opportunity to watch him in action. He was so confident and sure of himself, and didn't stop smiling. The dimple was in full view for most of the day. When he's happy, I get happy. I just wish that he hadn't needed to drop me off so early. Got a yearbook meeting at 11:30 and he has Spring Receptions starting at 9:30 tomorrow morning. Pathetic revelation fo the day: It's barely been a hour since he dropped me off and I already miss him.

I feel in the mood for a long entry. So let's see. My sunflowers are sprouting, the basil sprouted today and the majoram finally started growing too. Now I'm just waiting for the Chives and Dahlias to start growing. Tomatoes too, but I don't think they will. Hafta water the plants later. I have more of a green thumb than I thought. Such luck with plants I'm having this year.

Well, y'all have probably noticed that I've been rather depressed of late. The reason for that is because there's a big grouping of dates around this time of the month that don't hold the best of memories. The 11th marked seven months since 9-11. The 12th meant a month until graduation. The 13th was four months since my surgery. The 17th will be three months since his father. The 23rd is seven months since the first time he kissed me and four months since we went official. The 25th is going to be two months since we broke up. All of these big, memory-saturated, dates within two weeks of each other.

Got a lot on my mind these days. Much to ponder. Okay. I'm hungry now. Cold meatballs and chicken waiting. Hasta luego. #

---

Saturday, April 13, 2002
      ( 1:59 PM ) K  

Just updating before I get started on painting.Ooo. "Grease 2" is on. The movie itself kinda sucks, but I like the music. Michelle Pfieffer had a really lovely singing voice. And, mmm, boys in leathers on motorcycles. Teenaged wet dreams, right there.

Joe and I had our nightly call last night. No sooner did I hang up the phone did I pass out. Light still on, phone still on the bed, just no longer conscious. Slept until 3:30am. Woke up, put the phone back in the cradle, went to the bathroom. Came back, turned the light off and went back to sleep. Set the alarm for 10:30, ended up waking up again at 11:30.

Dreamed the whole night. I'd call them nightmares, except I think I've become desensitized to nighttime fear. It was a new dream, but with the same theme. Being chased, hunted, desperately fleeing to get away. 'Cept this time, if they caught me, it was gonna be rape, possibly my death. Usually I'm running because they want to experiment on me. Those dreams usually shake me up a bit. Guess that says something about me. I'm more afraid of being dissected than I am of being raped. My nails must've dug into my palm during the night. I've got a teeny tiny cut.

Gotta get started painting. I need a shower too. I'll do that as soon as I finish the base coats. Later.
#

---

Friday, April 12, 2002
      ( 10:33 PM ) K  

My headache's almost gone! Joe came by around 10ish and I got my hug. No sooner did he walk out the door did I find my remote. Now I just finished up an eagerly awaited chapter to a fanfic, as I eat some cold meatballs. I like cold meat. I'm fairly sure that makes me odd. Now it's time for milk and Milano cookies. I'll save the rest of the meatballs for tomorrow. Gosh, I miss having a kitchen. #

      ( 9:59 PM ) K  

I'm not doing too well. My vision's a wee bit blurry, I've got the sweats, and my head is pounding. I was hoping it was just PMS, but I think I'm sick. My throat's a little scratchy too. I dunno. There's rain coming this weekend. Maybe it's just the pressure front moving in that's messing with me. I don't know. Not thinking too clearly.

I hope Joe's having fun with Sara. The movie should have been over by now. I thought he'd come by to say hey if he came to Haven, but they must've done something else. Plus he has to be up at 5:30am tomorrow. Diving. Oh geez, it's so sad. I'd give something, I don't know what, for a hug right now. Just to lean on someone else. It's pathetic, totally pathetic.

Okay, I'm losing my ability to spell. I'm getting ready for bed and I'm going to curl up with a book. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. #

      ( 5:07 PM ) K  

Was walking home from the yearbook meeting. More fire trucks parked on Frat Row. That's like two in twenty-four hours. Maybe it's a SU conspiracy to get rid of the Greeks once and for all.

The yearbook staff are some of the nicest people. I burst into tears 45 minutes before I left for the meeting, for reasons I no longer want to think about. I was kinda dreading going because I've felt very much like I haven't been carrying my weight in the organization. I still have six major pieces of copy to finish. So I got there and I apologized and the Editor, Emily, is all like, "Don't worry about it." I was still rather apologetic and she finally got a little blunt, saying, "I'm really not trying to make you feel better, the copy really is holding the book together." I had to laugh at that. The first part, I mean. But she was saying like how I pushed to have the book sort of copy-oriented in the beginning of the fall semester and now it's linking all the sections together. Emily's worked on the book for three years now and she said she thinks this book is going to be really good. Which was fantastic to hear. Plus when I got back, I had two packages waiting for me. So yay.

I'm going to go lay down a bit now, because I'm just drained. The staff also commented on my horrible-lookingness, although they were a touch bit more tactful about it than Joe. I had such an intense emotional experience. I'm sure I'll talk more about it when it's not so fresh. Let me leave you with this thought, curtsey of Joe and his mom: 2/3 of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. #

      ( 12:58 PM ) K  

I am in a "get-out-of-my-way-or-I-shall-kick-you" mood. Not exactly a bad mood, but I'm definitely crankyish. Or, as Joe put it so succicently this morning: I look like hell warmed over. Thank you so much love.

My meatballs came out a little too spicy since I had to half the sauce receipe. I dunno. As far as I'm concerned, you can never have too much sauce. So the good news from yesterday: I got an A- minus on my folklore project, when I was expecting like a C. Plus my new project is going to be kickass. I just need to get someone to photograph me sanding down some of the stuff and then I can get started painting! Woohoo! Gotta do the WRT431 website this weekend too. It's a good thing everybody's going to be busy this weekend so I can concentrate. I'm just gonna lock the door and work. Hopefully, it'll remain this warm out, so I can have the window open wide. Plus I have one lonely little lavendar seedling that sprouted today! Yay! I do so love growing things.

Things to Do Today
1. Call Visitor's Center
2. Sanding photos
3. Board & Bag, catalog comics
4. Put away suncatcher stuff
5. Laptop misc
6. Throw in load of laundry
7. Yearbook copy, meeting
8. Throw out old flowers
9. Water plants
10. Website layout?

Okies, I'm heading off to get starting on my day. Wish me luck and if you have five minutes to spare, please come by to help me with the photos and to have a meatball. Hope y'all are in a better mood than me. #

---

Thursday, April 11, 2002
      ( 9:01 PM ) K  

How did I, an introverted serious person, get stuck with friends who make it a point to always be silly? For the matter, how do I find other serious people who don't continually call me dramatic and understand that whether you like it or not, sometimes you just have to be sympathetic to the way people are feeling and not be silly? I care about my friends a great deal and I thank God they have been in my life, but sometimes I don't think I'll miss the way they make me feel. Maybe it's my own fault. I dared to be happy and so now I'm reaping the karma. The same way I won't miss some aspects of my friends, I think they won't miss most of me. *sigh* I could never keep a friend longer than three years anyway... #

      ( 7:22 PM ) K  

I'm no longer giddly happy. I think it's impossible to be giddy when you're with another human being. At least for me. Now, I'm still in a good mood, but I'm also really tired. Being giddy is exhausting. Now I'm going out with the gang. The comic book store and then for ice cream. *sigh* I wonder if he would want to hang out tonight after we hang out with the others. Prolly not. Waaah. Don't wanna go!!!! #

      ( 5:41 PM ) K  

I am having an absolutely lovely, gorgeous superb day. The weather is fantastic and I'm in a rare happy mood. I'm off now to go grab dinner at McDonald's with Kate, even though it's taco night in the dining hall. I can never pass up McDonalds and I want to spend some quality time with Katrina. I'll tell y'all about my fantastical day later. #

      ( 12:46 AM ) K  

Been walking around in the drizzle a lot lately. Absolutely gorgeous weather we've been having here in 'Cuse. I say that sincerely. I've enjoyed walking every day this week. I recommend walking in the rain to everyone. Really helps you connect with the Earth. So anyways, the song of the week is Michelle Branch's "You Get Me." Why? Because the lyrics and the music are lovely and I said so. That's why. :p

"You Get Me"

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
In a crazy, mixed-up world
I don't care what they're sayin'
As long as I'm your girl

Hey, you are on my side
And they, they just roll their eyes

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me

So what if I see the sunshine
In the pouring rain
Some people think I'm crazy
But you say it's okay
You've seen my secret garden
Where all of my flowers grow
In my imagination
Anything goes

I, I am all you want
They, they just read me wrong

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and hold my hand, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
Still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
'Cause you get me

Hey, you are on my side
They, they just roll their eyes
Yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause you get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
When none of the pieces fit
You make sense of it
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still I want you all the time
Yeah, I do
'Cause you get me
Yeah, oh, yeah, oh


#

---

Wednesday, April 10, 2002
      ( 1:14 PM ) K  
Things to Do Today

1. Shower
2. Folklore Chapt.
3. Psych Notes
4. Website graphic design
5. Neat lioness icon
6. Finish book
7. Laptop misc.
8. Enterprise & Wolf Lake!!!
9. South Park
10. Michaels?
11. Take out recyclables.
12. Answer Mom's email
13. Email Barbara re Joe. #

      ( 1:11 PM ) K  

I'm in the Writing Center. No new appointment until 2:30. Just had a really fun session with an adult student, in a grad program, with three kids. lol. I was slightly intimidated at first, but she was great. I had a bagel from Blink's, but I'm still hungry. Boo.

I think if I can get him to do it, I'll ask Joe to take me to Michaels today. I really want to get started on that folklore project. I need to write a paper on it too, so I want to do the thing, take pictures as I do it, and then write the paper. I also need to get the WRT 431 website up by next Tuesday and the Yearbook copy done by Friday. So what am I updating in here for? Because I want to, that's why. And because I made myself some pretty new icons for my livejournal. Very creativish. There's this one that I took a high school graduation glamour shot and I played around with it until I turned myself all blue. I call it "Banshee." Go look. It's sooo pretttty.

I also made an icon for Joe and Meli, commerating their wedding. Why? Because I'm a nice person, dammit. And I had a really nifty idea. I like bringing nifty ideas into fruitation. Kate's getting frustrated with me, so I've got to bring my RP livejournal into being as well. Well, Joe has paintball and scuba this weekend, so theorotically, I should have free time. However, I have been neglecting Kate and Sara lately, to my chagrin. I knew this was going to happen. Joe and I have been getting along really well, but I feel like I'm shafting my friends. Which is a no-no, where I'm concerned. Debbie is easy to keep with in touch with, since we just call each other everytime something momentous or tragic happens. Kate and Sara, though, require my physical being. *sigh* Well, I do the best I can. I'll have to hang out with Kate today. I told her I would for the last two days, since this is my non-billion things to do day. I dunno. I've just been feeling rather contemplative lately. Seeing alone time and all that. I guess with graduation in 32 days, I'm feeling the need to be introspective and evaluate my life thus far.

I miss Joe. Going to do stuff now. Later all. #

---

Tuesday, April 09, 2002
      ( 10:05 PM ) K  

Was going to post a nice long entry, but I'm in that lethargic, content mood. I've been feeling good all day, mostly because I had a really fantastic night. Really, really wonderful. *sigh* Life has its lovely moments. Perhaps I'll feel like posting some later. #

---

Monday, April 08, 2002
      ( 6:32 PM ) K  

Joe was lovely enough to take me to Home Depot last night to spend my gift certificate So now I'm typing here, with terra cotta pots & seeds packets in my lap, one pot soaking in warm water to my right and an open bag of potsoil to my left. Plus the bottle of African Violet food popped open and leaked on my sheets through the bag. Grrr...

Yesterday was good. Things have been really wonderful these last few weeks with Joe. I really don't know how to react to it. On one hand, it's terrific. On the other hand, sixteen days of classes left. Excuse me while I panic. All the problems we had before are still here. I still want things he's not ready for and I'm sure there's something about me he hasn't quite reconciled himself to. So what's going to happen? Frankly, I don't know and I have a feeling that if I think about it, I'll drive myself nutso.

As usual, when I stress, I buy things. Joe already knows because I had to use his computer and I started cursing when somebody sniped me. Anyways, as most of you know I already own one dagger. Techinically it's called an athame, but that's for pagan religions. I respect the religions, but I like collecting the sharp pointy objects. So I have one now, and I am getting at least three more, possibly six in toto. That means I'll have seven. Which is neat. One's more of a sword, 21 inches with the sheath. Joe and I actually found it last night together when we were poking around Ebay. He was looking at the crossbows. He- Joe found this really cute one that's designed to look like a gun, but it's actually a knife. It's sort of a play on the fact that I don't like guns- too impersonal. I like to see what I'm killing.

Joe and I make a great couple. He likes shooting things and I like stabbing 'em. And both of us know hand-to-hand, although I can never take him. He fights dirty and tickles. Anyways, other good news. My folklore professor said I could do an unfinished wood piece for my creation project! Yay! I'm gonna ask Joe to take me to Michaels later this week if he can and I'm going to pick up a baby oriented piece. After I get graded on it, I'm just going to give it to her. She's due in May. I'll paint it a light green and do white stencils on it. Stars prolly. Maybe get something new that's gender-neutral. And the best part is I can write this off as an educational expense. I want to get a little rocking chair or maybe a chest.

Gotta go. Food to be eaten and a short story to write. Guess I'm looking at possibly an all-nighter. I have to go to the Health Center tomorrow at 4 to get my prescription for Allegra. *sigh* It's silly, 'cause I'm enjoying the alone-time, but I miss him. Silly, silly Kristin. #

---

Sunday, April 07, 2002
      ( 9:41 PM ) K  

I'm at Joe's and decided to do a quick update while he's in the bathroom. I know he's going to get all terroriterial and make me get off as soon as he gets out. I didn't fall asleep last night until around 7am, so I woke up late. On the happy side, I did get my folklore done. However, I have yet to start my story or do my psych reading. I am however almost finished with "Three Fates." He's out now and reading over my shoulder and I am sure the glaring will start momentarily. Yes. See, he just told me to get off so he can do homework that he won't do. So off I go. I'll update when I get in tomorrow. Still have to tell y'all what I bought. He- Joe can't know though. Shhhh.... #

      ( 4:58 AM ) K  

Well, so much for being productive. It's 4:43am on a Sunday morning and I didn't accomplish anything more on my To-Do list. Mostly been helping people out on Livejournal.com in the support area. Most of the questions I answered was coding stuff. *sigh* I can't sleep. My mind is all buzzing and now I'm miffed at Joe. Joe, for the love of patootie, I promised I wouldn't mess with your "marriage" to Meli. I didn't even chuck the ice cubes in the hottub like I wanted. So quit with the paranoid "unease" nonsense. I've changed my mind yet again with regards to my RP character and now I just think I want to be Kate's interior decorator. By the time I finally figure out what I want to be, I'll probably be graduating. So go buy your skinny wife dresses while I sit here and marvel at my own insecurities. And now I'm going to finally shut this damn computer off and try to find my center so I can sleep. :P to the world. #

      ( 1:33 AM ) K  


Everybody else was taking it so I decided I'd take it too. I did consider my answers carefully...

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen


:.blink blink.: Okaaaaay. Time for beddie-bye. Exciting news tomorrow. Well, exciting news to me, mostly boring to everybody else and prolly a little exasperating for Joe. Actually, Joe can't know the news because he's a RA and he would (supposedly) have a moral obligation to rat me out. So, Joe, when I post the news tomorrow, don't read it, ok? Night all. #

      ( 12:46 AM ) K  

Well, I'm cruising along my list here. I did not actually watch the new buffy dvds yet, but I did do my herb search. Learned some interesting facts. I tried to fix it later, but blogger's being a bit tempermental lately. I updated my Fiction Journal with the ideas that have been floating around and now once I finish this entry, I'll move on to the reading portion of the night. Be in bed by two, get up around 10. Have to go to the Health Center and I wanna swing by the Yearbook office too. Must call the Editor too. Missed the meeting on Friday and apparently there was a to-do with the Advisor.

So anyway, I had a really great time with Joe. He was really sweet and wonderful and yeah, there were a few incidents where neither of us were feeling happiness with each other, but for the most part, it was a nice change of pace for us just to be together. Of course, there is the fact that Joe's engaged/married to someone else...

That's the fictional relationship I was talking about. His RP character, Darkshade, is/was engaged to Meli's character, Jade, and now they've gone off and eloped. Grrr... Look at this excerpt from his journal: "Baby ... Baby where are you? *Sees jade asleep on couch, she looks cold...Goes into bedroom and gets king sized comforter that he was saving for when they cuddled up in bed together on cold nights, Wraps her up in it*" And then later in the same entry he writes, "Honestly I dont see how the most beautiful woman in the land would want to even talk to me let alone marry me." Grrrrrrrrr.... *little green flames burst into being around K's head* I admitted it flat out last night and I'll admit again now: I HATE THIS!

Save the shrink speak. I'm well-aware that this is a fictional relationship, and the fact that Meli's in Maine right now aside, he still wouldn't be interested in her. Romantically I mean. For the last six months, almost seven now, it's mostly only been me for him. And him for me. Sorry, I'm doing it again. And only Joe for me. But he's such a private person, he (dammit!)- Joe has trouble telling me what he feels. One of the things I've had to learn is how to read between the lines and how to correctly interpret his actions. I think I fail more times than I get it right, but I've been trying. It just bugs me that he can say the words to someone else but not me. Luckily for my sanity, I've come to a realization over the last few weeks that the very fact that he- Joe can say the words to her is significant. He- Joe - can say them to her because it's not real. The words are just that, words. I'd have more to worry about if he- Joe got tongue-tied around her. So I can handle all of this abstractly. It's just that reading entries like the one I quoted make me all queasy. Grrrrr... I just checked his journal now. They're in the hottub. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

This just caps off the weekend. I had a wonderful time being with him, but everything else sorta sucked. My family was friggin' impossible, which caused me to make a nice little scene in front of his- Joe's mother on Thursday night. I have money now, which is good. But I'm still moving back home, which just casts a nice little depressing cloud over the next 35 days. Y'know, this having a future thing is just too complicated for me. I'd like to die now please.
#

---

Saturday, April 06, 2002
      ( 9:54 PM ) K  

Well, my headache's gone and while I'm rather sleepy, I'm feeling much more relaxed. I did 2, 3, 8 and 9, and I'm off to go take care of 10. I still don't know what's happening after "Lord of the Rings" since Sara never stopped by and Joe wasn't picking up the phone. Just in case, I don't want to be all grubby if we do go out. Debbie hasn't called yet and I'm all worried. Debbbb, where are you? Also, I just came up with the bestest idea for my new RP character. My big concern was finding an entree in, since Joe put the kibosh on my last idea. If we don't go out tonight, maybe I'll work on that instead...
#

      ( 6:48 PM ) K  

Abby, my cousin, posted a link in her buddy profile to this quiz: Animal Quiz. I, of course, being all weak and interested in self-exploration took it. My results:

You are a Swan!

Very committed, you know how to treat your partner well. You look after their best interests and have complete respect for them. Easy going, you like to be sociable but enjoy your partner's company. You're at your happiest when tucked up in bed with your loved one. You prefer sensual, sexy love making rather than a quick romp, that's the only way to find true pleasure and reach sexual nirvana!

errr... :.blushes.: I will never be able to watch "The Swan Princess" in the same way again...


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      ( 6:37 PM ) K  

Well, I have to think fast. Kate, Sara, and prolly Joe are going to go see "Lord of the Rings" on campus tonight @ 7pm. I was planning on going to the First Year Players production of "Kiss of a Spiderwoman" tonight, since I go every year and I've never seen this play. But my head is hurting a bit and I don't feel like going alone. I don't particularly want to see this movie either. I'm not too fond of it and I think Joe & I need a little breathing space after spending the last two nights, two days together. I really enjoyed spending the time with him, even though some other stuff sucked, but more on that later. Anyway, what I'd prefer to do is hang out with them after the movie if that's possible. The movie will be over @ 10ish and tomorrow's Sunday, so we could hang out after the movie. Maybe get some ice cream or something. I'm waiting for Sara to get back from doing her laundry so I could talk about it with her. If she's not back in ten minutes, I'll call him instead. Excuse me, I'll call Joe instead. Must remember to quit thinking of him as the only male in my world.

Debbie will be calling later too...Yeah, I don't think I'll be making it to the movie. I need some recuperation time and I want to finish this book that I've been reading for the last couple of days. My list of things to do for tonight:

1. Finish "The Three Fates"
2. File nails
3. Unpack
4. Folklore reading
5. Psychology reading
6. Scribble down story ideas that have been floating around in my head
7. Do a search on drying herbs
8. Watch my new buffy dvds?
9. Read new comics
10. Shower

Before I toddle off, congratulations must go out to Sara, even though she will likely never read this. She managed not to kill my catnip. She didn't water it either, but it's still alive and green! Woohoo. More on the weekend and my irrational jealousy over a fictional relationship later. #

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Thursday, April 04, 2002
      ( 1:56 AM ) K  

Y'know, if I wasn't planning on getting up tomorrow around 7, I would actually be doing fairly good right now. Got just about everything on my list done. Still have to copy over some more psych notes that I forgot about. So tomorrow, wake up at 7, eat breakfast at 7:30. At Schine @ 8. Do yearbook stuff. Leave Schine & head over to Slocum @ 9, 9:15. Take my cooking lab computer exams. Leave Slocum at 11:15, head to the Hall of Languages for my test. Be done with test by 12:30. Back to Slocum. Cooking lab. Finish lab as quickly as possible. Head back to Haven, finish up whatever light packing I have to do. Call him and then take a quick trip to el bano before he gets here. Be on the road by 5pm. Oh joy, oh joy. What a day ahead of me.

I'm not planning on doing much this weekend. Not bringing any books (gasp!) aside from schoolwork. My next short story is due on Tuesday so I've got some notebooks along. I'll do some plot outlining. Oh, my rose is wilting. Anyways, no updates for a couple a' days. A short entry here because I need some advil and I need to get started on the notes. Won't take me long and then it's off to dreamland for me. Although I didn't actually dream last night. And I figured out how I can share a bed with him and not suffer from heatstroke. More on that, I'm sure when I get back. Live long and prosper. #

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Wednesday, April 03, 2002
      ( 10:25 PM ) K  

To Do Before We Leave
1. Garbage
2. Fold Dryer stuff
3. Renew library books
4. Transfer Yearbook copy
5. Assignments for next week
6. Pack
7. CLEAN BRUSHES & MUG!
8. Straighten up room
9. Update Blog #

      ( 7:44 PM ) K  

Something tells me that I'm looking at an all-nighter. It's 5 now and I'm starting the copy now. I just realized that some of it is still on my main harddrive, which means I'll have to come back tomorrow to upload it and burn it all on a cd tonight. Then laundry, copying over my psych notes and then the Dickinson paper. And I still don't know what's going on for this weekend. Grrr...

I changed the link for the Fiction Journal, as it's now called in the sidebar. So now it goes to my live journal, and I'm still tinkering around with that. Kate's going to want me to get my RPG journal up ASAP. That's definitely low priority right now. Actually, as far as the work sitch goes, I've actually got a fairly good handle on things. Ooo, ooo, before I forget, guess who's speaking at Commencement this year? Rudy Guilani! I totally spelled that wrong, but you get who I mean. He was a cheating bastard who tried to take unfair political advantage of the chaos 9-11brought, but he did handle the terrorist attacks pretty well. Not bad for a Republican.

What the hell can I say about Haven? I need a hundred more words. Blaah. I wanna be home by 8. There's a new Enterprise on. Wolf Lake is back on again after it, but I think the new episode is next week. Yup, just checked the listings. I've seen that eppy. Gee, can you tell how hard I'm working? Okay, I've made up my mind. I'm only working here for another hour and a half. I'll finish up the rest at home, since I've got to come back here tomorrow anyway.

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      ( 2:27 PM ) K  

This is a neat quote from my psychology textbook, "The Personality Puzzle," by David Funder. On page 344, he writes:

"What should you do about Angst and all these other unpleasant-sounding experiences? According to existentialists such as Sartre, you must face them directly. It is a moral imperative, they believe, to face the facts of your own mortality and the apparent meaninglessness of life, and to seek meaning for your existence nonetheless. This is your existential responsibility, which requires existential courage, or what Sartre called 'optimistic toughness.'"

I found this last night when I was studying at Joe's and I stumbled across it again when I was studying just now. I thought it was something worth mulling over. #

      ( 1:13 PM ) K  

Blogger is being all screwy. So much for updating while being trapped in the Writing Center. I was scheduled for two appointments period today and one of the students preferred to work with someone else. Whatever. Usually I'd just take off early, but I need to have an observation done by my professor so now I've got to sit here and wait for a walk-in. *sigh* Well, I did bring work to do. Got a Psych test tomorrow and I have to study some more. After this, I'm going back to the dorm, dropping all my stuff off and grabbing my yearbook stuff, heading out to Schine, eating some sphagetti and then working in the office until I get all the copy done. There's a meeting tomorrow at 2, but I don't think I'll be going since I wanna go home with Joe. However, that is shaky right now, since he's thinking of coming back on Friday now, which means a lot of inconvenience for me for very little time. So if it's just an overnight thing, I'll probably stay here. Gotta do my laundry too, since I'm almost out of socks again. Garbage's got to be taken out and I want to plant those seeds like I've been meaning to. Also, I've got to take those Dickinson notes and return those books to the library. Ack! Busy, busy, busy! I'll probably make another list once I get my hand on non-evil-mac computers. Also, ignore the Fiction workshop link on the side there, and go here instead. I caved and bought myself a livejournal. Adios, more later. I hope, anyway... #

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Tuesday, April 02, 2002
      ( 5:35 PM ) K  

Gotta type fast. Grad class approaching. Ooo, sky cleared. Rosy tinge as the sun sets. I'm feeling better. Largely because I went to CVS after folklore and then bought myself some flowers. I was just going to get a bunch of daisies, but I got swayed by the purplely colors. I bought a pink sweetheart rose, an iris and a purple-type flower that the salesgirl didn't know. I also bought a little African Violet plant. I'm all happy. Colorful growing things gracing my windowsill. My pansies aren't blooming yet. I'm going to plant some more herbs. The catnip is riotously overcoming the pot. Now I have to figure out how to dry them and the thyme.

Got really cool nail polish too. It changes color in the light. Okay, going to get some food now. It's Taco Night. Don't worry though. I already have some ideas for a large entry tonight. Later then. #

      ( 2:04 PM ) K  

Go here -Fiction Workshop- for my grab-bag o' fiction. The intent behind this blog is to publish unfinished pieces of my work online. I'm also thinking of just plunking down the five bucks to get a two-months paid livejournal.com account since all my friends gave their free codes to everyone else besides me. Which is very ironic since I was supposed to be the first person to get one of the generated codes. So goes my life. #

      ( 1:49 PM ) K  

I feel very lost and small today. The world is such a large place and I'm one tiny speck in the very big picture. I've been dreaming again: more bodies, more pain. It's so very rare that I have a dream that leaves me sighing in contentment. Which is probably why I can remember them all. I feel very much like letting someone else take care of me today. I don't know if I can describe this feeling accurately. I'm just lonely, I suppose. Rootless. Adrift. My room's a mess and I'm very unmotivated. *sigh* And apparently I'm also feeling very sorry for myself. My face is all tight. *pouts* Stupid scar. I'm going to quit writing now. I'm sure I'll have more self-pitying things to say after Grad class tonight. Bon voyage. #

      ( 12:43 AM ) K  

Kate and I've been talking about one topic in particular of late. Celebrity lists. Y'know, the freebie list where if you get the chance to sleep with any of the celebrities on the list, your significant other doesn't protest. So Kate has Jay Gordon on her list. He's a singer for Orgy or something. One of those bands. He used to be a Calvin Klein model. I dunno. He didn't seem all that cute to me. For me, it'd be a more fantasy list. Like if I could pick a guy in any stage of his life and sleep with him at that moment. Which makes me a perv in some cases. For example, Devon Sawa in his "Little Giants"/"Casper" years. He was prolly like sixteen, which makes him jailbait if I slept with him now, but oh my goodness. Let's see, who else...Josh Hartnett. Colin Hanks. Y'know, I can't think of anyone else.

I was complaining to Sara once (I do that a lot) about how it irked me that Joe never got jealous. She replied by saying something along the lines of how I have a strong sense of fidelity and everyone knows I'd never cheat. At the Campus Caberet this year, there were these gorgeous, absolutely stunning, guys in the show. I was pissed off at him at the time, but even though these other guys got my hormones hopping, it was Joe I wanted to jump. What can I say? I'm a one-man woman. *sigh*

Back to work I go. Long day ahead. Tired I am. Ack. My scars have been bugging me lately. Too tight and too dry. Itchy. Grrr.... #

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Monday, April 01, 2002
      ( 6:26 PM ) K  

The List of Things to Do

1. Laundry
2. Finish S. project
3. Pick up trash
4. Nailpolish
5. Folklore Creation Plans
6. Get revised syllabus from D
7. Wash brushes & mug
8. Put books away
9. Laptop misc
10. Yearbook Copy
11. Psych Notes
12. Email cooking instructor

Well, that should be enough for today. Good news though. My parents didn't send me chocolate, but they did send me gift certificates. So I'll shortly be receiving the entire first season of Buffy on DVD. YAY! Plus books. Two books and the Michelle Branch cd. Woohoo! Blogger's acting all icky, so the entries are being posted sporadically. Boo... #

      ( 4:56 PM ) K  

Just a quick update since I'm starving. It has been brought to my attention (thank you Joe) that I was not exactly clear when I spoke of my lowered (which runs through the family) core temperature. So, in clarification: I don't like being hot. I much prefer being cold. Being exposed to heat, especially a dry heat, makes my skin itchy. When I'm itchy, I can't sleep. The heat that gets pumped through the dorm buildings is usually a dry heat. Ergo, sleeping in a room with the heat on, the windows closed and a bedmate who radiates natural body heat means I am usually very uncomfortable and have great difficulty sleeping, which is only worsened by experiencing nightmares and cramps. However, I continue to place myself in such situations since it means I get to spend time with aforementioned bedmate, largely due to the fact that I love him, even though he's extremely cranky and a bit self-absorbed when he first wakes up. This has been another clarification, brought to you by Kristin. I'm now hungry and going to get something to eat. #

      ( 11:26 AM ) K  

This is going to be a short entry as I have a crapload of things to take care of that naturally could not be done over the weekend. I hope everybody had a nice Easter. I've been feeling pretty fatigued lately, mostly because another dream cycle is started and PMS is giving way to M. So I'm tired, but can't sleep and my muscles ache. Expect crankiness on the horizon. Also, everybody knows that my core temperature is unusually low for a human. Somewhere around 96.9-97.5 degrees normally. Even though it is getting humid and slightly warmer outside, the dorm buildings are still being pumped with heat. I didn't stop sweating this morning from the time I woke up until the time I stepped outside, sans jacket, where it was a lovely 34 degrees out. Now I'm sitting next to the window, with it open just enough to let a good current of air flow through. Now I'm nice and cool and therefore I'm also getting sleepy again. My skin is just too sensitive to the heat and unless I'm practically nude, I can never get comfortable enough when I'm hot. I'm too restless.

Which leads me to something else that's been on my mind. Y'know, I am aware that I am the "lazy" one out of my group of friends. I still occasionally hear some nocturnal cracks and comments about my sleeping habits. Ever since the last surgery, I've only been sleeping up to 8 hours, maybe 10 if I've been particularly stressed or depressed. I do not just lounge around in bed all day because I hate being idle. Once I've had my dose of sleep for the day, I need to do something. Yeah, I've been known to emerge from my room around 4pm, still wearing my jammies, but that's either because I've been reading or watching television for a while and didn't feel like changing or because I got involved in something and didn't get to bed until six in the morning. I know I've touched on this before. This is why I always have some sort of reading material handy. Constant intellectual stimulation. I used to sleep a lot before the surgery because it took a great deal of energy just to breathe. I needed a lot of sleep to replenish my batteries.

Okay, now that I'm full of self-righteous defensiveness, I'm going to go do something. Hopefully work. More later. #

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