Well, I did it. I traumatized myself, but I forced myself to watch a commerical for the E.T. movie. I think I'm still riding on the adrenaline high. Had the "flight or fight" response the entire 30 seconds as well as the shakes, but, dammit, I did it. I took one tiny step forward. Go me.

I saw my old plastic surgeon over break, the one who referred me to the guy who did the transplant. The transplant and everything looks good, but it will be another 5 and 1/2 months before I'm completely healed. And then we can talk about "revision" work. I don't want to talk about revision. The whole point of having the last four surgeries was so I could breathe again. Am I self-conscious about the way I look? Well, yes and no. I don't care about having the right clothes or the right hair style, but I do value the opinion of my friends. I've kept my hair long because Joe says he likes it this way. Truthfully, my hair is the one feature I'm vain about. It's the only part of me that no one's ever wanted to fix or change.

Actually, I've long said that the one thing that I would most like to fix about myself is my eyesight. I hate fumbling around with my contacts and glasses. It drives me nuts. I'd much rather be able to just roll out of bed, pop my aid in and be done. My hearing impairment seems to be what most of my friends have trouble with, but I like being able to wrap myself in a cloak of silence. If I want, I can, for the most part, tune out the world and be alone with my thoughts.

*sigh* I'm in a weird lonely-content mood. There's good music playing and I'm at ease inside my skin, but I wish he was sprawled on the bed behind me, sleeping or reading. Not necessarily doing anything, just here. 23 days of classes left. Time is moving so quickly now. I know I'm going to blink and it will be May. I'll have run out of time, run out of freedom. I'll be moving back to the house where I lived for sixteen years, and entering a world I don't know if I'm really ready for. It's ironic, really. When I started college, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Here I am, three years later, and I don't have a clue.

I've changed. I'm a better person now than I was, even if life sometimes makes me doubt that. I will be a worthwhile adult and I have a great deal of potential. Everything changed so quickly this year. I followed a way of life for nineteen years and then before I knew it, everything turned upside down. The bombing changed everything. Not just for me, but for everyone. Our generation got a very loud wake-up call. Our actions have consquences. Our choices affect others beside ourselves.

Sometimes I think he might have been right, when he said that I still had a lot of growing up to do. My parents and my life have both seen to it that I was rather sheltered and still am naive when it comes to certain things. I don't think of myself as immature, though. If anything, I've always thought I was too mature, in comparision to others my age. I think I know what it is. I have a very good grasp of the larger picture, of the long-term. To my friends, notably Kate, two months is a long time off in the future. Me, I know the days will pass quickly. I try to gather them together, to gather memories to last me after I'm gone, but they think I'm overreacting, that I'm being dramatic. To them, we have all the time in the world. Sometimes my friends seem so very young to me.

Yet sometimes I'll catch Joe staring off into space, his eyes seeing more shadows than he should. Kate will sigh, her shoulders slumping down as she shakes her head, wearied by the demands of life. Sara will let me complain about my demon of the moment and then she'll look at me, the expression on her face saying clearly that I'm blind and missing what's important. Even Debbie will go still sometimes, the laughter silent, as hidden thoughts scurry past the blue curtains of her eyes. I think of all they've been through and it makes me feel like I haven't even begun to live.

As for myself, I'll look out the window and meet the gaze of my reflection. My expression is serious, my eyes darkened by the circles underneath. The desk light catches the left side of my face, the scar a dark streak against the paleness of my skin and the city lights beyond. I stare at the reflection long enough and it almost becomes a separate person, a hovering ghost peering through the glass. I have always had, as Kate puts it, an "aura of wisdom," but Deb has said that this last year has aged me further. Looking back, I feel older. A lot of the questions I had about myself and my life have been answered, although new ones have risen to take their place.

It's stopped snowing. I've been writing in here for the last hour. Still need to take a shower and the yearbook copy needs to be straightened out. Responsibility and duty. No matter how old you get, they still follow you. #

      ( 6:17 PM ) K  

Well, it was sunny out this morning, but now it's a f-ing blizzard out. Can't even see anything. It's just a thick mist of white. *pouts* I wanted time with Joe today. I miss him.

Healthwise, I'm feeling much better, although I'm still rather fatigued. It's going to be a long night though. They moved up the yearbook meeting, so now I'm going to have to get all the yearbook copy done for tomorrow. Oh goody. Okay, no more for now. I'm too distracted and I'm going to see what my schedule is like for next week, assignmentwise. Then I have to make the ultimate decision about Easter. *sigh* Still missing Joe. phooey.
#

      ( 12:27 AM ) K  

Still incredibly ill. Makes three days in a row where I've done jackshit, but wallow in misery and pain. And sleep. There have been lots of sleep. I think a visit to the health center is in my future.

I went to one of Kate's concerts, met up with Heather and Joe there. Things between me and Joe were slightly strained. He's under a lot of stress right now, and I've been in a illness daze, but I think it's safe to say our relationship is naturally drifting towards its end. Like I said before, I suspected something like this was going to happen. I suppose, since I'm graduating and everything, this was inevitable. Well, after all we've been through, this is a rather peaceful conclusion.

I've been thinking a lot about fear and strength. Invariably, whenever I meet a new friend and they find out how many surgeries I've had, the adjectives "strong" or "brave" are applied to me. I hate that. I don't think of myself as particularly strong or courageous. It takes no great strength to walk a path I've followed my entire life. True strength is being able to adapt and cope to change. Bravery is leaving behind the familiar and initiating change.

Why have I been philosophical of late? I remember telling Sara last year that although I was afraid of some things, there was nothing I couldn't do to save my life. However, this year has brought many of my old demons to light. One in particular. Every since I was little, the mere sight of E.T. has been enough to give me the shakes. This is the 20th anniversary of the release of E.T. and so Dreamworks is re-releasing the movie. Now there are trailers and as if that wasn't bad enough, the little pipsqueak is now in Reese Pieces commercials. I now find myself fumbling for the remote to change the channel on a weekly basis. Because I'm afraid.

I've a theory that it's not E.T. that frightens me as much as what it symbolizes. It's hunted and then taken to the hospital, where it's experimented on. And that, dear readers, is my biggest fear. Of being prey, of being treated as less than human. E.T. is the representation of that fear. Now I'm confronted by it on my television as it sells one of my favorite candy. How's that for irony?

So what place does fear have in my life? I don't want to have to change the channel all the time. I'm at a stage in my life where there are no plans, no guidelines, no rules. Everything in my future is totally unknown. Maybe now's the time to put down the remote and watch the commercial. Maybe it's time I earned the right to be called strong and brave... #

Monday, March 18, 2002
      ( 7:44 PM ) K  

Just got back from two and a half hours of hanging out with Joe. Much food for thought now. He initated the meeting. We had dinner in the dining hall. So, yay, effort was made, but, boo, no alone time was had. Quantity, but no quality. I'm reserving judgement. It's been just a few days since he's moved and we've both had a ton of things going on. I dunno. Sleepy now. Gonna go lay down.
#

      ( 3:28 PM ) K  

Well, the plan was wake up at 8 and be all efficient today. The reality is that I woke up at 7:47, went to the bathroom, came back and then sat on my bed until 8:30 trying to wake up. I then decided to lay down for half an hour reading, just so I could wake up some more. Next thing I know it's 1 in the afternoon. I didn't even get a chance to reach for my book, I just passed out the moment my head hit the pillow. I was actually asleep before midnight, so I got like 12 hours of sleep. And I'm still sleepy. Stupid cold.

*sigh* Made the mistake of taking my away message down and attempting to do the whole IM thing. Am now trying to have three conversations at the same time. Well, two and a half really, since Joe is not responding. It's been like twenty minutes since I wrote that last sentence. I really hate this IM thing sometimes. You sign on and then you have to talk to people. It's rather irritating.

I've come to the conclusion that all men should be required to run their girlfriend choices by their closest female friend before committing. The seed for this conclusion was planted by the whole Matt/Lydianne relationship, was nutured by watching John/Kathleen and John/Allison, and then bloomed as I heard the stories about Joe/all 20 ex-girlfriends. The nice guys always pick the worst girls. I defend my own relationship by saying that he didn't pick me, I picked him. I've long been an advocate of girls going out and making a move if they really like a guy, and I practice what I preach.

John just called me " very open-minded, VERY smart, never boring..." I take delight in the compliment, although I take a grain of salt with it. Sure, John and I've dated a couple of times, but we're mostly long distance friends. Our interactions are limited to IM conversations and one or two meals during break. He's never had to coexist in my space for long periods of time. It's easy for me to be witty and charming online. I am a wordsmith, after all.

Well, I think I'm entering the banality talk level and I could probably use more drugs. So off to the bathroom I go to pop my pills. Before I go, here's another quiz result:

Which of the Disney Princesses are you?

I love being consistent. Makes me feel all stable-like.
#

---

Sunday, March 17, 2002
      ( 7:09 PM ) K  

I was going to write a decent entry, but now I'm all wiped. I got back to Haven around noon, and then Kate and I walked over to Brewster to meet him and Sara for dinner. Sara and Kate left straight from the dining hall and I went back up to his room to get my coat. Then I left. Got back here around 6. The walk was fairly easy going there, but difficult coming back. I don't know when I'll see him again. It'll be up to him to contact me. I learned my lesson with Matt.

I was boarding and bagging my new comics, but I ran out of scotch tape. Need to buy more of that tomorrow. I owe Deb a buck and Joe four dollars. I have to make an appointment at the Health Center to get more Allegra and all the yearbook copy needs to be done this week. Och. Went all lightheaded and there's a sharp pain in my throat everytime I swallow. Think I have a little fever too. Waaah. I want someone to take care of me. Someone to bring me soup and tuck me in and kiss me on the forehead. I think Mom used to do that kind of stuff when I was little. Why does that type of caring have to stop when we grow up?

I started this entry at 6:30 and look at the little I've accomplished. I keep fading in and out. Now I'm going to watch the latest live version of Snow White and curl up with a pillow and blanket. I'll write more later when I'm functional again. Long live the mutant butterflies. #

      ( 11:34 AM ) K  

Just a short post to reassure people I'm still alive. I'm writing this from Joe's new room on Brew 11. It took us 6 and 1/2 hours to move him yesterday. His back hurts. My neck and legs hurt. Mostly because he did the lifting and I did the pulling. Now I'm all sickly because I have no Allegra or cold medicine and I'm waiting for him to come back up 'cause he said he'd drive me back to Haven. Then he and Kate are gonna go to the mall. Later. #

---

Friday, March 15, 2002
      ( 3:10 PM ) K  

The Director of Human Resources at ORL in Syracuse offered Joe a RA position in Brewster for the last two months of the semester. He called me, asked me what I thought. I told him that he needed to make the decision based on what he thought was important and he shouldn't worry about losing us as friends. We'd be there for him no matter what. He asked me for my selfish, biased opinion. My selfish, biased opinion was that it would probably be better for us, as a couple, if he moved. I also told him that I didn't think he really wanted to do it and frankly, I thought it was going to be too big a hassle for him. He's had such a difficult year. I told him that he earned the right to take it easy for the remaining two months. But I still privately thought it would be better if he went.

And then I slept on it. I find that the morning after a problem or decision arises, I am usually able to get a clearer perspective on the situation. I'm now a little frightened that this is going to backfire on me. The main reason I think we need space is because neither one of us has to make any effort and the amount and quality of effort you put into a relationship is what defines it. What I'm afraid of, however, is that we won't be able to do it. I'm worried that I'm not going to hear from him all day and then I'll find out later that night that he ate lunch with Kate or Sara and didn't swing by my room to leave a note. I'm worried that this floor is going to be a total mess, which will stress him out and he's going to be unhappy. I'm worried that he's not going to see Kate at all, because if you want to see Kate, you have to come to her. She never really visited Meli when Meli lived in B/B. I'm worried that if we do start putting the effort in to be a couple, I'm really going to have to learn how to balance things between my friends and him. I'm also worried about even less alone time with him since time he can spend with Kate/Sara will now be at a premium. All of this with graduation less than two months away, after which I will rarely, if at all, see him. This all dawned on me as I woke up this morning.

By the time I woke up this morning, he'd already accepted the position. I haven't talked to him yet, although I left a message on his machine @ 10:30am. He left a message on my machine telling me his decision. Y'know, it will probably be okay. I want him in my life, even if we can't work out the snags in our relationship like I want. I've pretty much decided that, barring radical changes, our shelf life is pretty much over by graduation. I don't see us surviving longer than that, with the way things currently stand. We've had a little cease-fire going on over break, but technically, we're still broken up.

Well, there's nothing I can do now, but hope everything works out. He needed to do what was best for him, and I've a feeling that he did. Really, everything I've said aside, that's the important thing, him deciding what would be easiest for him. It's going to be an adjustment for all of us, but we'll cope okay. That's what makes us friends. We're all survivors.

As I write all this, it occurs to me that I'm getting exactly what I asked for. I wanted us to do all the beginning steps we missed. When I was saying goodbye to him last Saturday, we were outside on the front lawn and a loud screeching sound caught our attention. This car was going super fast on the Turnpike and the driver must have slammed on his breaks. The car made the loud screeching sound and proceeded to fishtail. Joe and I both thought the car was going to flip over. However, the driver got control and since it was late at night, there was really no traffic to contend with. The driver pulled the car back around and started heading in his original direction, but he was in the wrong lane for that direction. He went out of sight, still in the wrong lane, and since we were tentatively discussing our relationship at the time, I looked at Joe and asked, "Do you think that was an omen?"

I am one of those people who firmly believe that there are signs, and I've been mulling this car thing over all week. Originally, I thought that this meant that Joe and I were headed for disaster and that our relationship was on the skids, if you will forgive the pun. Last night, I realized that the driver was lucky and avoided disaster. He got the car under control, and kept heading towards his destination. I interpreted that to mean we should continue on the way we've been going. Better the demons you know than the devils you don't. However, now, I note that the driver was headed in the same direction, but in a different lane. It was the wrong lane for that direction, true, but it was the right time of day that he managed to avoid any accidents. New place, right time. I dunno. He's right. I do think too much.

We'll talk. But, y'know, I feel good about all this again. I may be one of those people who deludes themselves and grasps at straws in order to maintain some semblance of psychological stability, but at least I'll be happy and stable. What more could a girl ask for? #

---

Tuesday, March 12, 2002
      ( 11:19 PM ) K  

Before I go, another cool quiz Meli found...

You are Alfred Lord Tennyson
You are very analytical and like to debate. You want truth and beauty. For you, it seems that every cloud has a silver lining. You believe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.




You are Maya Angelou
You have a strong sense of self and have faith in your abilities. You are an optimist and believe that things can get better if people work together. You also have faith in humanity.

Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention!


Aren't these neat? Bedtime now...
#

      ( 11:15 PM ) K  

This is not going to be a long entry as the plans were changed yet again and I'm going into the city bright and early with my dad at 6:30. AM. Then I'm meeting Joe at my dad's building and then we're gonna have breakfast before heading to CT. He's driving me back to the Island in the Camero, gonna crash here for the night (pray for him) and then bright and early Thursday morning, we take the car to be inspected. Friday is my dad's birthday, but I'm hanging out with Debs during the day. Didn't I have the wild and wacky notion that I'd have free time during break?

This was an absolutely wretched day with both of my parents getting on my case and my plastic surgeon telling me things I did not want to hear. I'm going to go slather lotion on my hands and then throw my bag together for tomorrow. Then I'm slipping into my jammies and trying to get a decent night's sleep for a change. Y'know, during the torture session with my mother, I realized that there hasn't been a single week since August where there hasn't been some event. It's been months since any of us in our little 'cuse circle have had any peace. No wonder we're starting to get snappish. #

---

Monday, March 11, 2002
      ( 4:49 PM ) K  

I've been napping today mostly. Playing telephone tag with Joe. New plans now. Still have to be approved by the 'rents, but they're more convenient all around. He'll bring the car here on Thursday to be inspected and spend the day with me. I will then spend Friday with him and we'll go up to CT so he can bring more stuff up. Saturday, we'll head back to 'cuse and the reprieve will be over. I've been thinking about things and I've decided that I can't really get a clear picture here. Things always go well here. I need to think things through when we get back to reality.

I think if I'm going to move back home, I want to redo my room. Paint it a different color and stuff. Get rid of my Barbie collection and use the wicker shelves as a bookcase. Move things around and make the room more adult looking. I was thinking of a rich midnight blue for the walls and of keeping the lilac trim. Get rid of the vanity and maybe get a better desk. Cable if possible, and then put my mini fridge in a corner somewhere. The problem is that my walls are slanted so I don't have a lot of upright wall space. All the clothes and shoes in my closet should probably go to make room for the stuff I've been wearing at school. Ack. It would be easier to move into a new place than to rearrange the old one.

It looks like I will definitely end up moving back home for at least a year. Florida is not going to be an option, as we are likely to sell the place. Plus since the transmission fell out of the Lumina, I don't get the other Saturn anymore and therefore, I don't have wheels. Scott's going to get his license in June, which means there'll be four licensed drivers and two cars. What might happen is that Daddy and I will ride to the train station together and Scott can drive Mom to work. I just took a page out of Joe's book and alphabetized my Buddy list.
I'm bored. And sleepy. Waaah.

When mom gets home, I'm going to steal the car for a run to the Library. Then tomorrow I'll go to the dr and the comic book store. And take a dry run over to the car dealership so I don't get us lost on Thursday. He's got an early appointment, 8am. I'll have to drive Dad to work that day. So I can have the car and so I'll be up. I don't know what we'll be doing all day (I may just tell him to bring homework), but I can tell you one thing. I'm going to be driving! :p
#

      ( 9:33 AM ) K  

I knew the date, but it didn't really register, y'know? My family was talking about the memorials and the documentary, but it wasn't until I saw the paper this morning that it all clicked. It's been six months since the bombing. Absolutely one of the worse days of my life and so much worse for others. The world changed forever that day and my life certainly will never be the same. I think it has probably hit us college students the most. Most of those lost were young and civilians, employed by important financial businesses. It could have just as easily been us, in a different place, a different time.

He lost someone in the bombings. And the city's going to be saturated in memorial stuff today. I don't think he remembered either, with everything that's been going on. I'm kinda hoping I find him standing on the doorstep this afternoon. Just so he's out of the city for the day. I dunno. It probably wouldn't help much. None of us can ever forget. None of us should ever forget.

No wheels today, so I'm housebound. It sucks. I want wheels. I want to go the Library and the comic book store. *pouts* Tomorrow I have my doctor's app't in the morning and then he's coming either Tuesday or Wednesday with the car. And I'm hanging out with Debbie either Wednesday or Friday. If he comes on Wednesday, then I think I'll suggest that we have a meal with Debs, and then maybe I'll catch a movie with her on Friday. And if he comes on Tuesday, he'll have to come with me when I go places. Because I'm driving. *evil giggle*

Tired. Sickish. I was going to write more, but I've lost my enthusaism. I want to finish up my Internet stuff before the Brat Boy gets home from school, because then he's going to want the computer and I'd rather not fight with him. But I also want a nap. Dilemmas, dilemmas... #

---

Sunday, March 10, 2002
      ( 9:08 PM ) K  

I'm tired, my nose is congested, my head hurts, my throat is sore, I'm cranky and my family & grandparents are driving me insane. Just another day on the Island. I'm sick and miserable. Tomorrow my grandparents go back to Florida and everybody else has work or school. Leaving me alone. Probably still sick, but not so miserable.

Paid Joe the money for gas. For this trip and Saturday's. Things are confusing again between us, but at least I'm retaining some common sense this time. It's hard, though. We never have problems here. It's only at Syracuse do we encounter difficulties. So even if things are good here, they won't necessarily be good there. I was thinking about all this today and it idly occured to me that we should do some couples counselling. Then there'd be someone to moderate any serious discussions we needed to have. I don't think he'd go for it though. So I won't suggest it.

The Kroog side of the family came over yesterday for dinner and for Scott's play. I noticed, while we were all talking, that my aunt at least does the same thing I do. She rarely refers to my uncle by name. It's usually "he did this" or "I told him that." I do that all the time with Joe. I think my mom and grandmother do the same thing, but I haven't really been paying attention to them. Too busy trying to tune them out. Mom thinks I should get some work done in the doctor's office to finish fixing my face. "Fine tuning." Anyways, for me, it's like I don't have to use his name. For me, if I refer to a "him," it's gonna be Joe. If it was John or Dan or somebody, I'd say their name. I think it's because, y'know, I think man, I think Joe. I dunno. I'm sick. "Fire bad, tree pretty."

My brother just asked for the computer and as he used one of the arguments I usually use, I feel compelled by honor to get off. Not much else to say now anyway. Mom made me some hot water and now I'll go put the cocoa in to make myself hot chocolate. I'll read my book at the kitchen table since the elder generations are in the basement watching the 9-11 documentary and if I watch that, I'll be bawling. He's supposed to be calling around 10-11, and after I talk to him, I'll take my cold medicine and hit the sack. Muchly sleepy. Later. #

---

Thursday, March 07, 2002
      ( 11:30 PM ) K  

So I'm back. But first, here's a quiz that Meli found that Kate said I should take...

Aw, cheer up little ducky. Why so glum?

Find your inner rubber ducky.

And another one Meli found that I took a while ago...

Amazing how apt they are, huh? So, yeah, it's been a couple days since I've updated. Haven't felt much like updating. Had a paper and a midterm on Tuesday and yesterday I started to get sick. Today I am sick and packing for Spring Break. My room's actually cleanish. If I have time to vacuum tomorrow, it might actually sparkle. I dusted! *gasp*

This weekend's going to be weird. This week's going to be weird. He and I are on speaking terms again, but things are still uncomfortable. Sara and Kate have been telling me to be selfish for a change and to stop worrying about him. That's not going to happen. The stop worrying part. I can't stop loving him overnight. I probably won't ever really stop loving him.

I have goals for the week ahead. I'm hoping Scott has school so I'll be left alone. I want to hit the library, get some Anne Rice books, and work on the webpage stuff. Plus I have to get the yearbook copy done. Hanging out with Deb too is in the cards. Maybe a movie or something if I can swing it. I'm going to have to owe Joe the gas money until next Saturday. Maybe. I might be able to swing the payment. I don't like owing him, especially now. I don't care what he says, he'll get his cable back eventually.

I need to start getting to bed now, but I just wanted to say thanks to Danielle, John and Kate. I know Kate is probably the only one who will read this, but y'all have been a great source of sanity over these last few days. Thank you.
#

---

Monday, March 04, 2002
      ( 7:55 PM ) K  

I have that achy feeling again. I hate the fact that he's hurting. I hate knowing that I've hurt him, even unintentionally. Mom called. Wants to know what's going on for Easter now. She says I can come home now. There was a discussion of me going home with him for the holiday, but after January, we just never really discussed it again. I don't know.

Danielle never showed up for our study session. She had other stuff to do. She might stop by around 10. I'm just really tired right now, but I still have to write that essay too. I can't stand this division that has sprung up between us. I'm sorry. I just can't focus on anything else right now. I still don't know what's going on for Angel tonight. God. Can't anything be simple anymore? #

      ( 4:08 PM ) K  

Joe's journal, for those of you interested, is here. Apparently he read mine today and had the same reaction that I had when I read his. This has been a difficult situation for all of us concerned, and things apparently are coming to a head. If you read his post, you'll see what I mean. I responded to his post, but he deleted it. I anticipated his action and saved it. So here. This is my response:

"I didn't say anything in the journal that I wouldn't have said to you. If you really read it, you'd have seen that I took my share of the responsibility for all this and I even said that I mostly agreed with your decision to end things. However, you've got to understand that this is a difficult situation for me. I love you and therefore, it hurts not being with you. The reason I gave you the address was because I felt you should hear about it from me, instead of from Sara or one of our other friends. I did the same thing with Kate. My intention in keeping my own journal was to tell my side of things. Everyone seemed so convinced that I was being a selfish, cold-hearted bitch and I just needed a forum where I could talk about what I was feeling, and like I said, I didn't want to tell the story fifteen million times.

"I really do have no regrets except for the one, and I think you know which one that is. Therefore, you should also know it's based on a decision I made and aside from the timing, has little to do with you. Finally, I just want to say that I never called you a SOB and not once in the whole thing did I refer to you as a lousy boyfriend. As for the lying part, I'll discuss that with you in person.

Look, all I want to say now is that there's no way either of us could have avoided being hurt. We wanted to be together, but it wasn't working out. You said the words first, but I did agree that it was probably for the best. The only thing that hurts now is the loss of the closeness we shared and neither of us can change that."

Kind of an abrupt ending, I know, but I had a feeling that no matter what I said, he wasn't really going to listen to me. I tried going by his room, but he wasn't answering the door. He's clearly in no mood to talk, and I totally understand. I remember how devastated I was after reading his journal, although he knew about mine and there were no great emotional revelations in here. All I can do now is wait for him to talk to me. And I have a feeling that's going to be quite a wait...


#

      ( 12:26 PM ) K  

I dreamed again. A natural disaster this time, a flood. The water poured down the streets, killing all those who stood in the open. Lots and lots of dead bodies. Families separated, homes and businesses destroyed. Just another night for me. More pain and destruction, what else is new?

I've been thinking about it, and I realized that I've been having a lot of mood swings lately. I mean, I'm not unjustified in having some emotional disturbance, but I'm swinging between the extremes here. I think I've figured out why. I've been taking this new medication lately, and it heightens my normal hormonal responses. Given the fact that I've been PMSing over this last week, this probably explains how I end up hysterical crying and depressed one hour, and then switch to rage or laughter in the next. I'm always moody at this time of the month and the drugs are just making me even less stable. Fun. It's probably a good thing I'm only going to see these people for another two months. They'd probably tar and feather me if they were exposed to me for any longer.

Well, I'm starving and I just got an email from my peer tutoring professor that we have a paper due tomorrow. Just a little one. Like two pages. Won't take me long to knock off. It's started snowing again, so I think I'll probably just hunker down here today and do work. I find that by doing it, I don't fail. Which is good. #

      ( 1:54 AM ) K  

Okay, so after a lot of growling, avoiding people, brooding and six loads of laundry, I feel almost sane again. I've totally lost one of my support pillars and my world is all askew. For someone who claims he'll always be there for me, he's doing a great job of shutting me out. I had the gall to ask him today if he missed me and he got exasperated and walked away. Again not answering my question. Why is it so hard for him to talk to me? What's so difficult about saying yes or no? I wasn't asking for some great emotional admittance. I just wanted some sign that I'm not being totally pathetic and suffering alone here. Some indication that he cares about me. Nothing's really changed at all. All I know is that the shit is probably going to hit the fan on Friday when we drive to the city. Just the two of us in the car for five hours is not a good thing. He's going to be all like "You can talk to me, you know" and I'm going to be like, "Well, what the hell do you want me to say?"

I have a suspicion the topic of our in-holding-pattern relationship is going to come up. We're going back to his apartment where we've always clicked smoothly and his family still thinks we're together. If he doesn't tell them before the end of Spring Break, I'm never going to get the chance to say goodbye. Somebody's going to bring it up and depending on how food science goes that morning, I'm thinking it's likely going to be him. I don't even know if I'm going to want to talk about this, because frankly, I'm rather pissed how things played out. He lied to me, and after I found out he lied to me, then he broke up with me. And due to his fucked up sense of timing, I'm left with one regret about all of this, which totally breaks my promise to him about having no regrets. I don't like breaking my promises.

I did my laundry. Took six machines to get it all done. In my defense, the machines here at school are rather tiny. The piles of laundry on the floor have been replaced by piles of coats as my jeans have commandeered the hooks. I don't put my jeans in the dryer because it's hard enough finding jeans that fit me as it is. I'm actually a wee bit sleepy now. I think I'm going to slip into my nightie, fold my dryer stuff and see what happens. I need to take a shower before I exit the building tomorrow as well. And I need to go to the post office and the NHM 115 computer lab. Danielle and I are studying for our midterm tomorrow (today) at four. *sigh* Six days left until spring break and things end up changing again.

Sara was making fun of me one time during this last week, saying how overdramatic I get. She said in this deep, serious voice, "And you were all like, 'things are going to change.'" I said that last semester, regarding this one. So when she said all this, I'm like, "well, was I wrong?" She blinked at me and said something like, "Well, no, but you were so dramatic about it." That's the problem with being a prophet. Nobody ever listens until it's too late. #

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Sunday, March 03, 2002
      ( 10:30 PM ) K  

My skin is crawling. I'm almost shaking and my hormones are out of control. I feel like I'm splintering apart inside and the only thing keeping me together is my skin. I'm restless, so full of nervous energy. I'm not going to sleep tonight. I can't. The dreams will just come again and I'll just wake up again at 6am, like I've been doing for the last four days. I can't stand this, I just can't stand it. #

      ( 6:00 PM ) K  

Went over to his room to borrow his rainbow brite tape. I didn't really feel like watching "Pretty Woman." Figured I'd revisit the '80s and see if that would cheer me up. There was a girl in his room, one of his tutorees, I think. I'm reminded once again that he's already looking for my replacement. Not this one, but there'll be someone. He's too great of a guy to remain single for long. I just really hope I'm not around to see it. I hate being stuck in limbo like this. I want to move on. Why can't I do it? #

      ( 5:45 PM ) K  

Still in a depressed mood. Have done nothing all day but sit around on my ass and watch television. I need some sort of distraction, but Kate's not returning my calls again and Sara's out with her parents. 69 days until graduation. Scary. #

      ( 3:34 PM ) K  

The night sucked after I posted. Ended up crying myself to sleep. He's taking all of this so much better than me. I know it's petty and spiteful, but I wouldn't mind if he demonstrated a little angst about the situation. The problem now is that the principle of opposites is kicking into gear. The principle of opposites is based on the idea that you feel one way about something or someone, an event occurs and then you start to feel the opposite towards them. That's why it really is virtually impossible to stay friends with someone after you break up. Psychologically speaking, you start not wanting to be around them, since you spent time with them before you broke up. Even though I know rationally that no one person is to blame for this situation, I'm starting to attribute a lot of the flaws of our relationship to him. Like if he would have just compromised on some things, everything would have gone a lot smoother. We're starting to snipe at each other in public, too. It's been a week since we were really together as a couple, and I'm starting to go through withdrawal, as pathetic as that sounds. It doesn't help that he's still treating me like shit and that I have to see him every single day. Truth, I really don't understand why any of this is happening. Things seemed like they were getting better one night and then the next morning, everything was over. I think I'm going to brush my teeth and then crawl back into bed. I don't feel like facing the world today. But, before I do, quizzes!

What is your meaning of life?

you have an ominosity quotient of six. you are really ominous. find out your ominosity quotient.

Blame Meli for these. I read her livejournal, I see those quizzes and I just can't help myself. I am a weak, weak person.... #

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Saturday, March 02, 2002
      ( 11:21 PM ) K  

We went out with Sara's parents and Sara. It was me, Joe, Georgette, Kate and Kate's friend, Heather. It was really nice of them to invite us all out. I even, ready for this, wore a skirt. Yes, you read that correctly. I did not wear pants. I wore a skirt. And I didn't look half bad either. Joe and Sara both had stunned reactions, but Kate and Heather said I looked pretty.

Didn't do much of anything today. Laundry still piling up. I'm such a procrastinator. Stuff I wanted to talk about, but I don't have the energy. Tired, tired soul. Gotta study tomorrow. Sara's parents invited us for brunch at 10 tomorrow morning. Dunno if I'll make it. *sigh* I need a vacation... #

      ( 2:05 PM ) K  

A good walk in my book is when I can see my destination before I start walking. Y'know what I realized this morning? I don't have to wear socks anymore. Well, I have to wear them outside, but I don't have to wear them indoors. I have ballet dancer feet, so I'm really self-conscious about them. I never took my socks off around him. But now I can walk around in bare feet again. Although, in my room, that's rather hazardous... #

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Friday, March 01, 2002
      ( 8:54 PM ) K  

I've come to the conclusion that there is no bad mood that Friday Night Stand-Up on Comedy Central cannot cure. I've also decided that if it wasn't for the space constraints, I'd really like to see if I could wear all the clothes in my closet before I was forced to do laundry. Prolly not. I think I'm down to three pairs of socks. #

      ( 8:02 PM ) K  

I changed my mind. I am anticipating Spring Break now. Just because that means I'll finally get a break from him. This is just too hard, seeing him all the time. We watched most of "Crimson Tide" together. Not talking much, just watching. It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. Lots of suspense, minimum death. Then the movie was over and I said it was good because there was no gratitious death. He took that as a sign to start in on my preference for romance novels. We started to get into a discussion about the difference between romance novels and porn. Out of nowhere, he then says I can leave his room. I'm "dismissed." I did leave because he has a friend coming over and I got a feeling that he wanted some alone time. I wish he had just said it flat out, though. This "dismissed" crap makes me feel disposable.

Then he IMed me online and started in on me again. During our conversation, he implied that he had cheated on me. I knew he was ragging on me, but it was still a painful reminder he can be with anyone he wants now. And right now, he doesn't want to be with me. This doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. It's like he knows something I don't know. I'm doing my best to get over him, which is really, really difficult, but it's like he's just accepted how this situation has played out. It doesn't matter whether we're together or not. Just so long as we're friends, he's fine.

It's just not that simple for me. God, I really hate this. I don't have the energy or the strength to deal with all of this anymore. All I ever wanted was to belong to someone. For someone to love me for who I am. For someone to want to be with me despite what I am. It's just too much to ask, isn't it? I'm just so tired. #

      ( 3:25 PM ) K  

I had an ephinany today. I came home from "Food Science," lilac cupcakes in tow and I went over to give Joe one. I need tissues, soda and water, so I was gonna ask him if he was doing a Wegmans run this weekend. But he volunteered the information that he and Kate were going to Price Chopper and then Kate was going to come with him as he ran some errands. He used to ask me to come with him to run errands. Pain.

So I was mentally whining about it to myself when the small, remaining rational part of my mind said, "well, maybe he wants some alone time with Kate." And that's when it hit me. The major problem I had with our relationship. I had to compete with my friends to spend time with him. Danielle was right. You just can't date a guy who's friends with your friends. There's no place I can go to get away from him, no person I can spend time with who doesn't also spend time with him. If he spends time with Kate, that means either I have to hang out with both of them, or wait until they're done if I want some alone time with either of them. And me being the anti-social butterfly I am, I prefer alone time. With all of us living in one concentrated area, it's damn near impossible to get any alone time with my friends these days. Naturally, I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend than with my friends. But it wasn't happening. Before, I had the right to complain. Now, I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

He was depressed last night and he said that I wasn't the "right person" to talk to. I feel like he's in this cage of darkness. Sometimes the cage contracts so the bars are tight against each other, and no light can penatrate the darkness. Other times, the cage expands and it's almost like he's free, but the darkness's still there. When the cage is expanded, sometimes Kate or Sara can slip through the bars to reach him, but I'm stuck on the outside because I'm too big. Instead, I'm left alone fumbling at the keyhole, searching for the key that would open the door to the cage.

His family still thinks we're together. I'm really not looking forward to Spring Break. It's going to be hard, staying with them and knowing that we're not...never mind. Being home on the Island was going to be bad enough when I had a trip with him to look forward to. I really, really wish he hadn't met my family. He pushed me into it, "What, are you ashamed of me?" and now I'm going to hear about this for years. About him for years. Much, much pain.

I'm hungry. No meat today, though. Lent. Need a shower too. And laundry. Really must do laundry. #

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