( 8:30 PM ) K
I answered the questions honestly as possibly, but I was hoping for the rebellish one. I got this. Bigger entry tomorrow.
Which Witch? Wiccan
(Wicca: A Neo-Pagan religion created in the 1950s. Focuses on balance, nature, and harming none.)
Your aim is to help and heal those around you, improving their lives as well as your own.
Carefully avoiding tampering with another's Free Will, and living by the Wiccan Rede of "Harm Ye None", you strive to keep your magick harmless yet effective.
Following either a Goddess or a God, or both, you acknowledge and honor the balance in all things, including the balance of positivity and negativity - two vital parts of a whole.
Which Witch Are You?
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( 12:15 PM ) K
I really don't have anything interesting to say. Working tonight. Must be all cheery-like since it will probably be the night we get shopped. And since the rain has stopped and the sun is out, we will be flooded with annoying little customers who waste my time with stupid questions.
Customer: "Do you have a restroom?"
Kay: "Sure, it's right over there, under the sign."
Customer: "Oh, can't I pay here?"
Kay: "No, the registers are behind you, over there, under the big sign."
Customer (at the register): "Can I get a large coffee?"
Kay (who doesn't want to be ringing): "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to go to the Cafe for that."
Customer (still at the register): "Where's the Cafe?"
Kay (still hates ringing): "Right over there, past the periodicals, where it says 'Expresso Bar.'"
These are all actual incidences. Well, the coffee thing only happened once, but I get the first two repeatedly. I really don't mind looking to see if we have a book in stock or directing customers to the appropriate sections, but if they ask me stupid questions, I reserve the right to make them feel stupid. Idiots.
One of the parental units picked up the accident report from the police station the other day. The cop on the scene wrote that Scott didn't contribute to the accident. Michael disregarded a "traffic control," meaning he ran a stop sign. It's pretty obvious that my brother had little to do with it, since the air bags didn't deploy and just the bumper was damaged. The upper left wheel on Michael's car popped off. He needed a tow truck to leave the scene. The accident report doesn't really matter much, because Michael admitted it was his fault and his father already said they'd pay for the repairs. Mom got the car damage estimated at two different places (our usual garage and theirs) and the lowest estimate was around $1600. Which is scary to me, because unless you're standing directly in front of the car, looking for the damage, you can't really see the dents. That much money for that little damage. Eek. Being a car owner is a heavy responsibility. Which reminds me. Must get gas before work. Ok, done now.
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( 2:33 PM ) K
The fortune from my fortune cookie: "Don't underestimate the significance of symbolic gestures." Hmmm... Must ponder this.
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( 12:58 PM ) K
I tend to act rather instinctual when under the control of some great emotion. Right after I called the dentist to find out I will indeed need drilling, I called my mommy. She'll be coming with me. So that was the protection part taken care of. Then I wanted comfort. I did a stupid thing and called Joe. Hung up when I got the answering machine. Just as well because I wasn't incredibly coherent. After that, I pretty much curled up into a chair and stared off into space for an unspecified period of time. All catatonic-like until I managed to calm down. I always get a bit embarassed every time I lose control like that. I feel like I'm supposed to be this strong, independent woman, but everytime something goes down, I go running to someone else to make me feel better. The only scant comfort I have is that Joe was not the first person I thought of. My subconscious seems to have finally realized that I can no longer look to him for protection or safety. So I went to my mother instead.
It took just about four months, but I finally found a Distraction. Not a Replacement, because it's me and I don't get asked out, plus I still don't think I want a relationship now. I think about kissing someone else and my mind goes all fuzzy. No, this guy is safe. Shows little sign of any interest in me, but there's definitely potential for friendship. There's a lot of common interests. He watches all the same tv shows I do, he's a gamer, and he's intriguing. Lots of layers and hidden things, but he gives off an open vibe. Ooo, plus I've discovered a new turn-on. He watches television with the closed-captions on! He told me that and I suddenly saw him in a whole new light. He likes closed-captions. *sigh* I'm strange. I don't give a fig about physical appearances. No. However, the guy's television watching habits are important. Strange, strange, straaange.
Well, I have to be at work at 4 and I still have to do stuff. I'm also all frustrated now after talking to Joe for the last half hour on IM and I'm seized with the urge to beat him with a Nerf bat. The kind with plastic at the core, so if wielded properly, it will do no serious damage, but can inflict some pain. Because Joe is being a PAIN IN MY REAR! I pity the Replacement.
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( 1:11 PM ) K
I wanted to write a decent entry, but I'm just too weary. Was up at 7:30am for my class and the dreams are back. I guess I had a nightmare of sorts last night. Another "the government is hunting me for capture" dream. It was very weird and very disturbing. I'd hoped the dreams were gone, but I believe they correspond to my stress levels. The more stress I'm under, the more I dream. Oh, well, isn't this ironic? The dentist people just left a message on the machine about my x-rays. Let's go see what they want...
Well, isn't this dandy? I apparently have a cavity. My mom is going to kill me. Well, probably not, but she's probably going to gloat a lot. Like this is what I get for not going to the dentist for three years. My appointment is a week from today and already I feel the panic welling up. Isn't there drilling involved with cavities? Shit, shit, shit. I found this site through google.com, howstuffworks.com, and it's a very informative site. I cannot, will not, I REFUSE, to be injected through my gums with anthesia of any kind. The last time I had Novacine injected in my gums was when they were removing the wires from my jaw. The shot hurt more than the actual yanking. And we're talking six inch wires being yanked out of my skull. Still hurt less than the shot. The Dr. did one shot for one of the four locations and then I wouldn't let him do it again. Oh God.
Okay, this was caught by an x-ray, the dental person didn't see it. Which probably means it hasn't eaten through my tooth then. Doesn't hurt or anything. Oh geez. I'm calling the dentist back. I wanna know what to expect. Oh, I'm getting the full workup. I'm crying now. Oh geez. I'm terrified. Oh God, Oh God. I don't know if I can do this. I have to do this, because the last thing I want is a root canal, but my God. I hate this. I hate this I hate this.
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( 12:43 PM ) K
Oh, one other thing I keep forgetting to mention. I've been keeping a list of all the books I read, excluding comic books. I thought y'all might be interested in the prelimenary results. From 8-20 to 9-20, I read 59 books, including one computer manual type thing and one really big graphic novel. During the month, I read "Purity of Death" twice and that was the only repeat. I was aiming for sixty, but I've been doing a lot of crafts lately and I get very tired at nights now. So, anyway, that's 1.96 books per day. If I continue to average 59 books per month, that means, by 8-20-03, I'll have read 708 books. If we continue to use the experimental numbers, it's possible to guess how many books I've read in my lifetime. I started reading when I was four and we'll say it's been sixteen years since then. So at 708 books per year, for 16 years, I've read somewhere around 11,328 books in my lifetime. Personally, I think that total's a little low because I had less free time than normal this past month. Also, I've been reading some hardcovers, as opposed to my usual fare, and the hardcovers generally take me longer to finish since they're not portable. Plus when you factor in my surgeries and that I have nothing to do for weeks, I can accumulate a lot of books there too. So the lifetime total is probably closer to at least 14,000. That's all I wanted to say.
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( 12:24 PM ) K
I wake up on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and all I want to do is drop this stupid "Merchandise Buying" class. But then I actually step onto campus and into the classroom and my brain gets all excited. "It's knowledge, KNOWLEDGE, woo hoo! We're learning something here, alright!" So goes the intellectual side of me. I have a new idea. I could apply to Hofstra for the winter semester and start working on my masters. I don't know exactly in what I'd be getting my MA in, but at least I'd be challenged in some way. And that would be good. I don't like long-term boredom.
Am sleepyish now since I had to get up early for class and I have a 4-12am shift tonight. So no long entry. Today's the Buffy premiere, and I'm pissed that I have to miss it, but there's a book signing tonight. The soundtrack for "Once More, With Feeling" (the musical Buffy ep) also comes out today. Joe already made me my own copy, but I think I must have the "official" version as well. Two new books will be coming home with me as well. Probably about 3/4 of the way done with Chapter 11 of "Aspect of the Wolf." I've picked Sophia's color and everything. I just have to write the non-sex sex scene. Done now.
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( 2:20 PM ) K
"Forever Young"
Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation
Hello old friend,
It's good to be with you,
Time is standing still,
Our love...
shines true and bright,
it always will.
My wishing star,
Has guided all you do.
My empty heart you fill,
We still feel...
forever young.
Looking back,
We're just the same,
As we were when we began,
This love will keep protecting us,
Reach for me and I'll take your hand.
When we're apart,
Just close your eyes,
And you'll see me waiting there.
You can always count on me,
I will always care.
My special friend,
Inside my heart you stay,
You'll be with me until,
The sun...
shines through the night,
It never will.
My little star,
You'll never fade away,
The hands of time still...
and we'll be,
Forever young.
Step up and take my hand,
One touch...
and we'll be friends,
Forever.
Hello old friend,
It's good to see you too,
Time is standing still,
For we'll be...
forever young.
Hello to you,
It's nice to see your smile,
Step up and take my hand,
One touch and we'll be friends...
forever.
"Growing Up"
Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation
We all have feelings
We like to give our love
And get love back
It's part of caring
You're learning caring
When people grow and share
And start to know there's more out there
Than just getting more and taking more
There's giving more
And you'll begin the best part of living
Growing up
Its something you can measure
Growing up
It happens every day
Being young is something you can treasure
But life is good when you're growing up
Waiting
I know you're waiting
You'd like your turn, to do,
just what you want
It's part of growing
You're always growing
One day you'll see and know
all the changes you must undergo
You'll be stronger then and taller then
And you'll begin the best part of living
Growing up
is something you can measure
Growing up,
it happens every day
Being young is something you can treasure
But life is good when you're growing up
Growing up
is something you can measure
Growing up,
it happens every day
Being young is something you can treasure
But life is good when you're growing up
Life is good when you're growing up
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( 2:07 PM ) K
I realized last night before bed that today would be the 23rd. Up until that point I was exhausted, but generally upbeat. I woke up this morning feeling a tad bit depressed. Factor in that I've still got this bug and that I forgot Sara's birthday on the 21st, and I am finding it hard to regain upbeatness. A year ago, Joe kissed me for the first time (my first ever) and the world as I knew it completely changed. What little familarity that was left after 9-11 was completely gone after that moment. *sigh* And now here I am, a year later, and that incredibly changed world has flipflopped, inverted, and otherwise contorted itself until it's no longer recognizable as the world I'm currently living in.
There are good things about this world. For one thing, if I want positive reinforcement, all I have to do is bring in chocolate lollipops to work. I'm almost certain to get the Merchandising Supervisor job if Mary ever leaves (which will be a bittersweet thing, because I adore working with Mary). I'm not really lonely because I get a lot of social interaction at work and all the people I don't like have left. One benefit of working in an environment with a high turnover. Plus Rick the manager is pissing off more people 'sides me. Which is very cool. I get along great with the few guys at work, and we just hired a new male cashier, who's a lot of fun. I closed with him the other night and we were chatting and he's an awesome guy. He's 22, blond/blue, and he's got a sense of humor, but he's not immature either. He doesn't drink, but he does smoke. Ain't nothing gonna happen here. Because 1) he doesn't see me that way 2) I'd prolly go out with him, but I don't want a relationship and 3) his name is Joey. Sometimes I can't decide if God is torturing me or if he's helping me by giving me all these different people to associate with the one name.
But I miss the old world. I miss having possibilities and potential. I miss having challenges for my mind even if they were the wrong sort of challenges that I hated. I miss having my friends close by and home-cooked meals, even if they were processed dining hall foods. I miss the freedom I had at school and I do miss Joe. It's not so bad anymore, but there will be these random moments when it'll hit me. I was cleaning kids one night and "American Pie" was playing on the overhead speakers, but I didn't hear those lyrics, I heard the Weird Al Yankovic ones. And I was smiling because I remembered all those times driving with Joe and listening to that cd. The way he'd roll his eyes whenever I made him play "The night Santa went crazy" twice in a row. But I wanted to cry too, because those times were gone. I miss having someone to love and to care for. I miss his smile. I miss laughing and I miss being happy.
So, yeah, this new world isn't too bad, but I wish things didn't always have to change so radically. I'm crying now, the silent tears that slip down your face, the kind that show you're sad but not devastated. And that's the best way I can think to describe how I feel. I'm sad, but not devastated. It's like I was grieving for everything and then the violence of grief faded to a soft, sorrowful mourning. And already the tears have stopped. Now I'll go about the business of life: throwing laundry in, renewing a prescription, washing dishes, going grocery shopping. Today, I'll pause to miss him and tomorrow, I'll continue moving on. Until the world changes again.
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( 1:24 PM ) K
Blogger ate my entry for yesterday when I tried to post it. Badd Blogger.
I'm reading this book on evolutionary psychology called, "The Moral Animal," and I got all inspired to write down more details of my theories. Yet instead of writing down details, I ended up re-reading my old entries. Most of them were pretty damn funny. I'd forgotten one or two incidences in my relationship with Joe that were just hysterical. It was interesting looking back on all of it, with a new perspective. One of the most fascinating things was that everytime I noted that Joe was acting strange, a few days later we'd have some serious conversation or he'd break-up with me. And everytime I came thisclose to breaking up with him (which was several times, mostly during winter semester), he'd do something to make me change my mind or something else would happen. It was a little odd because I felt like those words had been written by a different person then. Not just because I was finally approaching some level of happiness, but because I was also under so much stress, I was cracking around the edges.
I knew after my surgery that I had wanted to die and I knew that it was Joe that kept me going, but I didn't really remember how it'd actually been until now. There was one entry where I spent half of it rationalizing why it'd be okay if I did die. Like if I was gone, Joe and Kate could, uh, "console" each other. It sounds so melodramatic now, but I was nearly out of my mind. I was just under so much pressure from school, the surgery and dealing with Joe, I wanted it all over and done with. But as much stress that Joe's emotional vacillating placed on me, I still latched onto him as a source of stability. He gave me something entirely new to concentrate on and he also provided an outlet for the stress. I think the only time I relaxed during those months was when I was with him. My anxiety was so high, I kept having panic attack after panic attack. I hid most of them from my friends, especially Joe, but there were one or two that had the misfortune of happening in public.
The damn lab in the "Brotherhood of the Wolves" movie flung me back to my first panic attack in seventh grade and I was so terrified, I was dry-heaving in the parking lot. There really are no words to describe what it's like to have one part of your mind be consciously aware of your surroundings and then the rest of you locked in some nightmarish memory. It's like some kind of continous loop and unless something breaks it, you just keep reliving it over and over again. Still, I'm one of the lucky ones. The people with the really bad PTSD don't remain conscious of reality. They become totally locked in the past. That night, though, was the worst physical reactions I've ever had. When we got back to the dorm, I locked myself in a stall in the bathroom and just retched for half an hour. Sara found me and she was all set to go and drag Joe in. I made her promise not to tell him. I don't remember what happened after that, but I know that I ended up in his room, watching "Atlantis" and drinking hot chocolate. I felt warm and safe and I remember thinking at one point, "See, it's different now. I'm really here. This is what's really happening. It's all different now." Then ex-girlfriend-before-me Audra unexpectedly dropped by and wanted to see him and he wanted to see her, and I went back to my room, feeling very...I don't know. Some weird combination of lost, hurt, lonely, and scared. I ended up fixitating on the television for most of the night. I don't remember what else happened after I left his room, except I went back once to get my slippers and my mug. It was like I had a brief glimpse of what it was like to be safe, only to have it torn away. I don't know if Joe ever realized it, but that night had a big impact on the rest of the relationship. It was the worst panic attack of my life and, although I didn't come out and say it, I feel like he should have had some idea how scared I was. And he still asked if I minded if he hung out with Audra tonight. No telling her he was with me, no asking if I wanted to stay, just "Kristin, Audra's here, do you mind if we hang out for a couple of hours?" Well, gee, do you mind if I lose the little sanity I've held onto? It was probably right after this that I started actively pushing for public recognition of our relationship and for more couplish activities.
I feel obligated to point out that I hid my mental breakdown as much as possible from Joe. He'd told me about the hospital stays with Maria and Audra's big illness and I'd made a determination early on not to use him like they did, the catch-22 being that I really needed him. It's entirely possible that I concealed my growing insanity much better than I thought I did and Joe simply did not realize how serious the situation had gotten. Plus Audra had been spending the year in Washington D.C. and this was one of her rare appearances on campus (which was really the main reason I didn't protest). So this is my disclaimer in defense of Joe as to why he picked his visiting ex-girlfriend over anxiety-ridden me.
*sigh* Our relationship really was screwed up. If it wasn't his issues, it was mine. Geez. But still, it was one of the best times of my life and probably the happiest that I've ever been. Later all.
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( 12:03 PM ) K
What a godawfulish weekend. It was so busy at the store, there's a bug goin' around and so many people are leaving. And even though it was busy, we didn't make plan. aaaahhh. The only good thing about the turnover is that I'm going to be one of the few flexible availability people left. So, if I can manage to curb my natural tendencies around the new people, I should be all set. It's the curbing part I'm worried about. I'm so fucking bored at this job now. There's very little challenge and no intellectual stimulation. Is it any wonder that I'm teaching myself Italian? Sometimes I feel like I'm poised on the brink of something. I don't know what exactly, but something. Like something big. I dunno.
I took another hour of sleep, so I'm cutting this entry short. I'd planned on detailing more of my Pack theory as well as my new "Lion" theory. Plus my little brother invited a friend over without letting me know, so now I'm sitting here in the den, in my jammies, with 2 teenagers in the basement. Gah. I miss Kate. Hell, I miss everybody. I almost called Joe last night, 'cause I had a family thing and while it wasn't the first family thing I did without him, it was the first one at my uncle's house. So I really, really wanted to call him. But I realized that what I really wanted to do was talk to him and I wasn't positive that SU didn't have classes today. And if they didn't, chances are he wasn't going to be home, he was going to be, uh, busy. So I decided that I really didn't want to talk to his answering machine and that meant I didn't really want to call in case he was home. I usually call around noon when I know he's not home. The irony of all this is that while I want to actually talk to Joe, I'm positively paranoid that the last thing he wants is to talk to me. Especially given who he woulda been busy with. Joe hasn't called me since June and in my book, that means he's imposed a conversation ban. Three months with no calls. At all. Hell, what would you think?
Anyways, Michael is having a huge sale, 50% off everything I need for Christmas stuff this year. So off I dash. My concluding remark: my readers are going to kill me if I don't finish the damn chapter and post it. AaAHHH. *sigh* I'm still trying to decide if I want Sophia to be a black or white wolf. So many decisions. Later all.
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( 2:00 PM ) K
I am supposed to be in work right now, but I had a rather bad night, physically speaking, and so working an 8-4pm shift just wasn't gonna happen.
I am in the midst of an ethical dilemma. First of all, while Joe is still reluctant to divulge the identity of the Replacement, he did finally answer my question of "do i know her?" with an "i'm not sure." So this eliminates all mutual friends and acquaintices, including the dreaded Candidate # 3. This also has the side benefit of ridding me from any curiosity as to who this girl is. I no longer want any details and am quite content to have the Replacement remain an amphorous concept, even if I'm still leaning towards it being the long-distance girl. I don't have to destroy anyone now, so I don't want to know. What I don't know can't hurt me, at least in this case. Anyway, during this same conversation, Joe and I were *gasp* bantering in a flirtateous manner. This is where the ethical dilemma comes in.
Everyone who knows me knows the one thing I will not budge on is my stance on adultry/cheating. I will not read about it, I will not watch television shows or movies. I do not support it in any shape or form. And I, personally, do not poach in any shape or form. Joe is "kinda seeing someone," which technically makes him off limits for any heated flirting. John and I don't flirt, not in the manner Joe and I were doing it. Now, I know if I had found out about him doing this with one of his exes, I would have flipped out. But it's Joe. Bantering with him was one of the perks. Plus it's relatively harmless, because if he and the Replacement do get really serious, I'd never cross that line. But it was weird 'cause the entire time I was debating the moral implications of it and then he made a comment, mentioning the Replacement, and I was just like, "Why did you have to say that? It's not like I forgot about her or something." All the fun went out of it. Since I then found out it was someone I don't know, the issue of loyalty arose. Even though I'd view Candidate # 3 dating Joe as a major betrayal on both their parts, I'd still owe her loyalty and wouldn't want to do anything to mess things up. But I don't know the Replacement and I don't owe her any loyalty. Still, I don't want to hurt a virtual stranger and like I said, if it'd been me, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the knowledge of his ex still flirting with him. Gah, to quote Kate. This is all very complicated.
I think the bottom line is this. Right now, we're six hours away. Nothing is going to happen. And even when he comes home, if he decides to grace me with his presence, still nothing would happen. Because if he is serious about the Replacement, he wouldn't cheat on her and I wouldn't disrespect her or my morals that way. So she's going to have to accept the fact we're friends (sorta) and trust him that nothing's gonna happen. In conclusion, I guess bantering is acceptable. Double gah. Someone should write a book about the protocol of dealing with exes. I wished Kristen still worked at Borders so I could ask her. *sigh* Too very complicated.
In semi-related news, youth group (YG) Joe has a girlfriend. John told me last night. I love being friends with John. He always has my best interests at heart. But even if YG Joe was single, it would still be kinda weird. I have this thing about names. It's impossible for me to view anyone named Scott in a romantic light, and oh yes, I did try. But it's my brother's name and it's just too freakin' weird. I think the name Joe is going to be added to the "Originals Only" list. On a sidebar, I've been pondering my place in Asztalos family legend. I've come to the conclusion that I shall henceforth be known as the "girl who read in the dark." I can hear his mom now. "Oh yes, Kristin was a lovely girl, but a little strange. I'd wake up and find her sitting in the living room. Reading. In the dark. She was always reading something. I'd turn on the light and she'd complain." She'd laugh here and then continue, "She was really there for Jozsef that year, but she definitely had some strange habits." lol. I think it's funny. It's better than Maria's label of the "psychotic hypochondraic." *sigh* I can't spell anymore. I do miss his family though. His extended family was a bit nutty, but then Joe once referred to my family gatherings as exercises in "throwing each other to the wolves." Sad but true.
Well, I'm tired of writing now and I think this entry pretty much covers the Joes part. Still left to go is the Pack theory and my ephinanies. Later.
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( 4:46 PM ) K
This entry has been edited to protect the not-so-innocent. For the first time, I will submit to the request of the paranoid and edit out details of an entry. Let it be marked as the sacrifice it is. ~K, 9-13-02
This is why Debbie is my best friend. Went to the dentist today, came out mildly freaked out. Called Deb, we met for lunch at 1:30ish and stayed two hours until the waitress not-so-subtly asked us to leave. I'm quite chipper and motivated. Why? Because lunch led to the resurrection of my "Men are pack animals" theory.
This theory was born in high school when I noticed none of my male classmates ever went anywhere alone. They travelled in groups of two or more. In high school, there was this group I referred to as the Trio. The members all had a serious thing for a henceforth anoymous female. They were also very good friends. Now, there was one "Alpha" male, so he was the only one who really pursued her. He asked her out for coffee, gave her back massages, and generally made a pest of himself. The other two also made their interest clear, but they always backed down to the Alpha male. There were also one or two other boys who had an interest in this female, also friends with the Trio, but they weren't part of the Inner Circle and they weren't allowed to get close to her. Now the female didn't like any of them, but her strongest attraction was to the Alpha male, whether she wants to admit or not.
Currently, this brings us to a couple years to the future and the female's work situation. The inner circle again consists of three males, with one male being the Alpha male. The Alpha Male is the one the female has a serious thing for. There is also the Beta male, the Alpha Male's second-in-command. There are also four or five other guys she works with, but these males fall into the outer circle and they know if they try something with the female, their asses are in trouble. One of the puppies has said as much to her. The Alpha Male wouldn't like it, he said. Now, currently, the pack dynamic is in trouble since the Alpha Male has moved to another state and one male is no longer working there. So all of the puppies in the outer circle are swarming around the female, wagging their tails and yipping. The poor beta wolf is left to defend the female's honor, snarling "No respect, no respect." The Beta Wolf is defending the Alpha Wolf's terrority.
I wrote this basic premise here because Deb wants to tell Dawn about it and I knew if I didn't get it down in my own words, she'd tell it wrong. I was planning on going into more detail, but I just received a nasty little shock. I was checking everyone's else journals and one of Kate's friends left her phone # which had a 315 area code. Wondering if it was someone from school, I clicked on the journal. Oooo boy. This girl was dating a guy named Joe, who was friends with a guy referred to as "D" who now has a girlfriend named Sarah. Her interests include paintball and scuba diving. The most current entry was yesterday. While little inconstencies were popping up, I didn't know conclusively that this wasn't him until the August 28th entry, six or seven entries later. Because Joe wouldn't feel the need to conceal the fact he's got a car and a cell phone. Other stuff maybe, but not that. And later on, she mentions this guy's exes, whom she's met. In addition to the fact she said he's 24, it's clear her Joe is not my Joe. Still, some of the personality parallels are freaky. Between her and I, and the two guys. Check out yesterday's entry, and you'll see what I mean, Autumn's Journal. Ye Gods. When you add the fact that one of my old friends from youth group, also named Joe, has been dropping by the store lately, it makes for some strange circumstances. Oy.
My mind is all twisty now. I'm going to write some emails and then I'm going upstairs to snack and watch a movie. More tomorrow (if I can--it's Monday for me) on the Joes, the Pack theory, and my ephinanies regarding the present & the future. Later all from a still chipper but now vaguely bemused K.
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( 2:30 PM ) K
I still don't have the words to describe how I feel today or how I felt a year ago. I watched the some of the names being read this morning and just now, I watched the beginning of the Port Authority mass. That's all. I do grieve, but what is my grief compared to those who actually lost? Who were there and watched destruction take place? I worried, I feared, I comforted, but so did the rest of the nation. I honor those lost today by living, by taking pleasure in the beauty of the fall day and trusting, really trusting, that there is a reason I am still alive. September 11, 2001 will join March 13, 1997 as the days my world was irrevocably changed, not just through actions of others, but by my own choices. On March 13, when my surgeons plunged me into hell, I made the decision to live. On September 11, there was the largest spilling of American blood on American soil since the Civil War, and I let someone else's pain and anguish matter more than my own fears. Although it sounds strange to me, to hear myself say this, for me September 11th will always be a day of remembrance, not just because of the lives lost, the acts of bravery, and the terror inflicted. I will remember September 11th as the day I let go of fear to help someone else, the day I reached out instead of trying to protect myself, and the day I started to love again. There are days when things happen, where all we can do is try to stay afloat. And then there are days when God, Fate, whatever, gives us the chance to make our own choices, to determine our own destiny. A year ago, I made the right choices. To those who are grieving, my prayers and heart goes out to you.
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( 6:11 PM ) K
Don't have time to write, everybody's home. Quick synopsis: Work is not going well, I feel like crap, and I haven't had a decent conversation with anybody in ages. Now for the results of the quiz that both Sara and Heather took:
Find Your Warped Personality
this quiz was made by mysti
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( 8:58 PM ) K
This explains sooo much...
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( 8:47 PM ) K
Mom is cranky. Kay is tired. kay worked ten hours today. bleah. would write more but see first statement.
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( 8:14 PM ) K
One of the main reasons Joe and I bombed is because he never understood that you can't lie to me. Ok, well, maybe the stranger off the street can lie to me, but if I call you a friend, you simply cannot lie to me. Not anymore. I've become very good at wielding my empathic abilities and while most of the time I simply trust my friends, when I am suspicious, I am very, very, very rarely wrong. Joe could never understand this. He was frequently transparent as glass to me.
What sparked this little rant? The bastard came home this weekend and really thought I wouldn't know he was an hour away. Did he make any effort to see me? No. Did he call? No. I'm pissed now. Which is good. Being pissed is better than being depressed. So very pissed. And hurt. He came home and pretended I didn't exist. Bastard. At least now I know who the new girl is. And it is a long-distance thing. If he could do this to me, he obviously isn't someone worth grieving over. I'm better off without the asshole. The rage feels good. I feel alive again.
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( 6:36 PM ) K
I always intend to write an indepth, interesting entry, but by the time I get my body in the computer chair, my mind is halfway asleep. So once again, I'll be sweet, short and to the point. Today was a good day. Insanely busy, but good for me personally. Fred, the general manager, gave me a compliment at the morning shift meeting in front of the entire morning crew. I blushed, I swear. Then later, Mary, the merchandising supervisor, told me that I looked pretty today (more on my appearance later). After that, Mary also told me that Fred thinks I have a "flair for merchandising." My displays are visually attractive. Then my parents came into the store which was very weird, because it was like I had a split personality with both Kay and Kristin in appearance. Very cognitive dissonancey. Then, just as I was leaving for my lunch hour, Mary told Fred about how this lady came up to main info with a shopping bag of books and I carefully went through them and told her we'd only take four back out of all the books. And then I went on my break and got new comics at the Waldenbooks. And when I got back, I told Mary that I bought comic books and she said that sometime in the next month, we're going to start carrying comic books. Yay! My self esteem is doing quite nicely today.
Re my appearance, I had my hair cut on Thursday. They cut about three inches off and now it curls nicely around my chin. For whatever reason, my hair looks a bit lighter now and I would describe it as the color of honey. I am continuing to lose weight as I have dropped two sizes in jeans and I think I will lose another size in another two weeks or so. The weight's coming off from my tummy, my hips and, well, the place where all women lose fat from first. I dropped a size there as well. Plus I think my behind's slimming down as well. Started wearing make-up again as the weather cools, so I feel quite confident in saying I look cute.
In conclusion, my Retail Buying class starts tomorrow, Rick the manager can be such an asshole, and I went to Michaels today. Bought lots of neato stuff. The end.
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I speak.
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